Thank you all for stopping by to show me some love!! I am honored that people in a total of 99 countries have read my blog!! It makes me a bit speechless to think about it! But Thanks again, and I’ll try and post a bit more regularly in the 2015!! Happy New Year to you all!
Here’s an excerpt:
A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 5,900 times in 2014. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 5 trips to carry that many people.
I feel like every time I want to post something upbeat and somewhat simplistic my mood dictates otherwise. How hard is it to blog about my 30 before 30 list? Apparently really hard… but hopefully I’ll make it and just schedule it to go out at the beginning of the year… I also want to do a resolution post for 2015 before the end of the year… but we’ll see… Right now my heart is heavy and I just want it to stop.
It’s not even just about my Kiwi Hannah either… It’s about Ty Sweeney and his family… (They are apart of our church family) He went into cardiac arrest on Christmas Eve and hasn’t made any signs of recovery, I’ve been praying ever since I found out. It’s about Rejoice Sanki and the other 219 other Nigerian school girls who are still not at home with their families. It’s about all the injustice and unrest between the black community and the police, It’s about friends feeling alone and like they don’t belong. It’s about praying for those who have lost loved ones this past year who may not be having the happiest of holidays, It’s everything and it’s so overwhelming! I feel like I’ve been praying for these issues non stop, several times a day and we’re all still believing for miracles concerning each one… It’s exhausting.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m going a bit crazy. I know that I haven’t taken on any false burdens (I know how that feels) this feels different, it’s deeper, and higher at the same time, and full of the Holy Spirit’s presence. I guess I’ve never had a burden to pray for this long before… and that’s why it’s so exhausting and overwhelming and making me feel a bit crazy… Writing it down has made it a bit lighter… I guess with clarity comes the alleviation of pressure and the continued responsibility to pray.
Today officially makes three months that my Kiwi Hannah went to be with Jesus. Today has been both good and bad. I learned a lot about God’s sovereignty when it came to the birth of Jesus. Our neighbors accepted our invite and came to church with us and they enjoyed it. I got to watch a friend do what she loves on stage.
But while listening to a song today at church that I wished Kiwi was here to listen to I couldn’t help but break down and cry!! It was giving praise to Jesus and all I could think about was how Kiwi didn’t need to be in my belly to hear this awesome song because she was present with Jesus praising Him in person and that in a few short days she’d get to wish Jesus a happy birthday in person too!! I mean how cool is that!
I miss her so much but when I think of things like that it almost seems selfish of me to want her back!! It doesn’t stop the pain, but it does make it somewhat bearable although I’ve been sulky and weepy since I got home from church today… I just want things to be different, less hard, more joyous, and less heartache; but it looks like I’ll be going in to next year with a broken heart and expectations for God to fix it and make it new.
I wanted to take this time to acknowledge the blessings that are plentiful in my life right now at this very moment. There’s not a long list but they have equally made me glad and brought me joy in this season of my life…
I GOT A JOB!!
This is truly an answered prayer!! I have been searching for somewhere to work since the passing of Kiwi. I figured since I wasn’t going to be able to parent my child, I could at least help on our goals of getting out of debt. So to bring in anything extra is a great blessing for our family. I prayed and asked God to allow me to be working by January and here it is I’m working a few weeks before. God is so good.
It’s the YouTube channel that my husband and I have started in order to grow and learn about each other. It’s so much fun and really has blessed us! Not to mention it is quality time well spent because we both like doing them together which is rare for us. Feel free to check our series #WhatsForDinner out here.
I almost didn’t put this in here… because it’s a twitter led YouTube series hosted by Gary Vaynerchuk… but then I realized that it has played such a pivotal role in my life and household that it is indeed a blessing! This is what inspired the previously mentioned YouTube channel William and I started! We watch these episodes and nerd out on them together!! This has allowed us to find common ground and to dream together. Not to mention I have been featured on the show twice in my short time of following it (Episodes 50 and 57) and it COMPLETELY BLESSED MY SOCKS OFF! To have the chance to engage with someone who is doing what they love through what I love (social media) is something special and it’s sparked something in me to go after what I want!
As to be expected after everything happened with Kiwi going to be with Jesus. Christmas didn’t really seem all that important. I struggled to get into the “Christmas Spirit” but somewhere along the way, (I think it had a lot to do with the “Road to Christmas” Bible Study I’m doing with a group of friends) I found it but I realized that I never lost it… I just wanted to focus on the true meaning of Christmas and not the overly commercialized parts! I want to acknowledge Jesus’ Birthday, God’s sacrifice and the Holy Spirits presence, I want to spend time with family and friends, I want to share an intimate moment with my husband holding him close and snuggling a bit longer. I want to dream again but not my dreams; the God dreams I momentarily let go of in my pain and sadness.
William and I both in this season have found a group of real friends and wouldn’t you know it– I don’t have any pictures because I’m too busy enjoying the time together to “capture the moment” even for social media!! But let me tell you this group has brought us laughter, fun, food, and most of all memories!! I’m actually crying a little bit thinking about how much they mean to us! Even though they were all there before we lost our precious Kiwi Hannah their consistency has healed us faster than we ever thought possible!
These are my blessings and I’m counting them over and over again because they bring me absolute joy! Thanks for walking this journey out with me. I love you all!
It’s already December! Eight days in to be exact and my thoughts are jumbled. I wanted the next blog that you all read to be something a little lighter than they have been, I wanted to talk about things that are making me happy, some things that my husband and I are doing. I wanted to talk about my 30 before 30 list mainly because I have already begun checking things off of that list and I haven’t really even made it known yet…but alas those posts will have to wait until another day because today is an emotional day for me.
Yes, it’s part Kiwi related but it’s also life related, family related, and prayer and ministry related as well! Of course I miss my baby. Especially when those women who were pregnant with me are getting closer to their due dates or have since surpassed where I was in the pregnancy. It almost always stifles my breath with an utter disappointment for everything that was lost.
My dear friend Vanessa made this beautiful piece of art for me out of clay and she was telling me how at the time she didn’t know why she did it the way she did but to know that it represented the silver lining… This was some time before I went to India and she was saying that if I didn’t go to India there was a reason and that there would be a silver lining in it… But as I try to think about what exactly she said way back then I am beginning to think that what she was saying had everything to do with this present moment. This heartache and pain that I feel from the lost that I’ve experienced. Yet, I’m still trying to figure out what the silver lining of all of this will be.
I’m emotional because at 29 I thought my life would be different. I thought I would be closer to my family. I thought our kids would be able to play together and grow up together (with tons of cousins) like I did. I never thought I’d be so far away from my brothers and sister and cousins. I never thought that when grandparents started to pass away I’d be so far or be unable to go back to them for one last hug. I thought I’d have a career I loved or at least enjoyed by now instead of still looking for that perfect fit.
There are things that the Lord has called me to do. These things are hard, they take me out of my comfort zone and leave me exhausted but I know that I have to do them. I know there is growth to be had and change to come. But in the mean time trying to find the balance between everything is hard work. I have all these questions to ask Him, many of which I’ve already asked Him and yet there are still no answers being provided. What am I to do while waiting for answers? Think I guess… and so you have my jumbled thoughts.