Jumbled Thoughts

It’s already December! Eight days in to be exact and my thoughts are jumbled. I wanted the next blog that you all read to be something a little lighter than they have been, I wanted to talk about things that are making me happy, some things that my husband and I are doing. I wanted to talk about my 30 before 30 list mainly because I have already begun checking things off of that list and I haven’t really even made it known yet…but alas those posts will have to wait until another day because today is an emotional day for me.

Yes, it’s part Kiwi related but it’s also life related, family related, and prayer and ministry related as well! Of course I miss my baby. Especially when those women who were pregnant with me are getting closer to their due dates or have since surpassed where I was in the pregnancy. It almost always stifles my breath with an utter disappointment for everything that was lost.

My dear friend Vanessa made this beautiful piece of art for me out of clay and she was telling me how at the time she didn’t know why she did it the way she did but to know that it represented the silver lining… This was some time before I went to India and she was saying that if I didn’t go to India there was a reason and that there would be a silver lining in it… But as I try to think about what exactly she said way back then I am beginning to think that what she was saying had everything to do with this present moment. This heartache and pain that I feel from the lost that I’ve experienced. Yet, I’m still trying to figure out what the silver lining of all of this will be.

I’m emotional because at 29 I thought my life would be different. I thought I would be closer to my family. I thought our kids would be able to play together and grow up together (with tons of cousins) like I did. I never thought I’d be so far away from my brothers and sister and cousins. I never thought that when grandparents started to pass away I’d be so far or be unable to go back to them for one last hug. I thought I’d have a career I loved or at least enjoyed by now instead of still looking for that perfect fit.

There are things that the Lord has called me to do. These things are hard, they take me out of my comfort zone and leave me exhausted but I know that I have to do them. I know there is growth to be had and change to come. But in the mean time trying to find the balance between everything is hard work. I have all these questions to ask Him, many of which I’ve already asked Him and yet there are still no answers being provided. What am I to do while waiting for answers? Think I guess… and so you have my jumbled thoughts.

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