If I knew then…

If I knew then what I know now I would have done things a lot differently. I would have let my mom coo over my belly upon arrival for my graduation last August, I would have let more people touch my growing belly (maybe), I would have taken more pride in my baby bump pictures I sent to my parents. I wouldn’t have worried about gaining extra weight! I would have let people help me more when I was in India and I would have taken more pictures as if Kiwi were there experiencing things with me… Because she was! 

Yesterday was hard, and I know a month from now is gonna be even harder. 

11 months have gone by and my arms are as empty as the day I left the hospital. It still hurts to see people that are pregnant or have little babies that are the age she was suppose to be if she would have made it to her due date or either the age she would have been if she survived… 

All these dates and babies and pregnancies and pictures and baby showers makes me feel like I’m going crazy for remembering and not wanting to be apart of other people’s joy! I’m sorry but on very rare occasions have I gone to a baby shower since I lost my Kiwi Hannah. 


Maybe I’m a little salty that I never got one even though I have a basement closet full of baby furniture half-heartedly tucked away only to be seen EVERY DAY when I go down to practice my piano… Regardless of the reason let this be notice to everyone reading, if I don’t express my want to go I WILL NOT be going to your baby shower nor do I want an invite!! Yes I know your child is a blessing and I’m happy for you but your joy causes me too much pain and I don’t have to put myself in that position and I won’t! My heart and mental state are fragile at best and I need to keep what little pieces of my heart and what little peace I have in tact.


This grieving process of mine has given me new eyes to see the important things and people in my life and let go of unnecessary baggage and people. I was never one for games but now I have no tolerance for any such foolishness at all!

Growth is still happening, pruning is taking place, love is expanding, and healing is coming; slowly but surely! My God, my family, and my friends have been and continue to be such great supporters of me and my process and for that I say Thank You!

30 before 30 revisited

So it’s crazy how life happens. Here it is dang near two months after my 30th birthday and I am just now getting a change to update you guys on how I did! There were a ton of things I wasn’t able to do but there were things that I did go on to accomplish.

Here is the remainder of my list from my original post along with the things I did accomplish since then.

I want to partake in a fancy dinner✔️ (we did kind of go to a fancy dinner on vacation but we didn’t have to dress up for it)

  Yeah that’s steak and lobster on my plate but if we would have dressed up we would have been overdressed. 

I want to dress up in fancy clothes for said dinner

I want to have a Girls Night Out where we’re all dressed up (didn’t happen because I had homework)

I want to rock a Body Con dress at some point ( I did buy a few dresses just haven’t worn them)

I want to dye my hair at some point (I did end up dying my hair just not before the deadline)

I want to complete a Pinterest Project that’s not food (I still only did food)

I want to actually print pictures✔️ we printed pictures for our friends anniversary gift (a technicality I know)

I want to play a whole song with melody on the piano✔️ ( I don’t have the whole melody but I do have a song I can play and I even made my own)

I want to hold a conversation in Spanish✔️ I actually prayed in Spanish one night before dinner and held a small conversation with my friend.

I want to pay off debt✔️ my husband and I have been able to pay off a good amount of debt and it’s been great! We are definitely working that Dave Ramsey plan!

I want to recreate an outfit with only thrifted clothes (this just didn’t happen)

I want to finish William’s Blanket (who was I kidding)

I want to paint more and actually learn techniques (I did start to do Zentangle Art)

I want to finish the Dance Ministry SOP I’m working on ( it’s finished but at last unused)

I want to get a job that I like✔️ technically I don’t start until Monday and it’s a Graduate Assitant position so it’s not full time and I don’t know if I’ll even like it but I’m sure I will. 

I want to start a group for women (this is not the season for the group I have in mind)

Book a speaking engagement✔️ I actually have done three since I set this goal!! 

  Here, I taught social media best practices to a group of about 30 people and it was great!
Go to a beach✔️ 

 It’s my new favorite place!

Go to a new city✔️

 I actually went to a few new ones but Quebec was my favorite city by far although I did enjoy Toronto too!! 
Become a thrifter

Go to networking events✔️  

 William and I attended a Networking event in Nashville 

Rent a house or cabin with friends✔️ 

 we were able to rent this place with our friends and we loved it!

Step into what God has for me✔️ there really is no picture that is sufficient for this.

Become a mentor✔️ this was only seasonal but I learned a lot about myself and the women I had the chance to encourage every week.

Go to North Carolina✔️ 

 William took me to the mountains of NC to celebrate my Val’s birthday!

Go to Ohio✔️ 

   this is just a few things we did in Ohio!!
Go to Texas (we went to Canada instead)

*My just because is to apply for a job out of country*
So there you have it. My not so completed 30 before 30 list! I hope you all have had a great past 6 months!! Blessings to you always!