BREAKTHROUGH!!!!

Let me start this off by saying that what I am getting ready to write is in NO way to build myself up but to give ALL the glory to GOD and that this is one of the longer blog that I’ve written; with that said here I go…

Okay so as you all know I have been told to be still and wait on the Lord (if you don’t know you can go here to read about it) and that’s what I have been doing, by way of fasting. I decided that while I was waiting to hear from the Lord I would make sure that I was at peak position (ie totally dependent on Him) in order to hear Him clearly! So I decided to go back to my first real encounter with God during fasting. It was actually the first time I had ever fasted and I decided that I would fast three days by drinking only water… and man did I experience God in a powerful way…

I felt like in order to press through to my breakthrough that’s just around the corner I wanted to do something I haven’t done in a long time but that was so effective for me. And that is just what I did, for three days I only consumed water and spent some extra time in my purple book and Bible as well as speaking to Him. I still did every day life, I worked, babysat, and even exercised all while fasting of course not boasting about it and still remaining presentable so no one would suspect anything.

And today this very morning I heard him speaking to me… He answered questions I had been longing to know the answer to for years. And He told me which way I needed to walk into Miami… He gave me peace about taking the proper steps to secure a position at Wal-Mart. He even gave me insight on what He’d done for me in the past that has effected my now…

It all started with a trigger. You know where you’re doing something and all of a sudden it takes you back to a place you thought you had forgotten… yeah one of those triggers not like a gun trigger…anyway so while I was getting ready to brush my teeth this morning and struggling with the last little bit of toothpaste (we have to go shopping) it took me back to a time when I was younger and we (me and my brothers and sister) had to brush our teeth with salt and then eat a peppermint candy before we went to school because we didn’t have any more tooth paste and wouldn’t be able to get anymore for couple of weeks.

Back then that was just something that happened it became a way of life. But it scared me to think that we (me and my husband) could possibly be at that point. I found myself praying, ” Okay Lord you know it’s getting to that point and you know that I don’t want to go back there so please make a way.” Well that took me back to the moment in my life that I realized that we were poor. It wasn’t like I didn’t already know we were poor I mean everyone around us were… but this time I realized that not everyone was poor.

It was towards the beginning of the school year I was probably in the fifth grade and we had to turn in all of our paperwork for our free lunch… well the night before my mom filled out the paperwork with all the numbers they ask you about on those sheets as I turned it in to my teacher she asked me if I was sure those numbers were correct.

She asked me how many people were in my family. I told her yes they were correct my mom filled it out and that there were five of us… And she just shook her head and said how can you all leave on this…I told her I dunno we just did and went to go sit down… later that night I asked my mom how much we made and she told me not to worry about it… but later I found another sheet and look at all the calculations that were on it and realized that my mom and us four kids were living on less than $10,000 a year… we weren’t just poor we were below poverty level…

But we never went hungry! We had breakfast thanks to programs like WIC and we had lunch because we went to school and sometimes we’d have breakfast for dinner which we though was really awesome. And sometimes I remember my mom going to our family and friends that lived near by and asking for a care package. She was never too proud to ask for help… I guess you can’t be when you have kids to worry about huh. So our aunts or uncles or friends would give us food out of their fridges or take us shopping for a few necessities that would get us through the month, and we always returned the favor. Again that was just apart of life when we didn’t have we received and when we had we gave…

That took me back to always having to move every three or four years… I went back to the different schools I had been to and I tried to figure out what my teacher’s names were, and when I had met certain friends. And then I cried because it was a wonder that I had friends at all… or that I have friends now. And I simply said I do not want that for my children. I want them to have a stable home… and then a question that I have asked for years now was answered…

I always wondered why I never got to go anywhere else besides Fort Campbell, KY when I was in the Army… I mean after all I joined the military in part to travel…yet was never stationed anywhere but here… and then it hit me… because God wanted me to see that being in one place for an extended period of time was attainable. He knew that I needed stability. He knew that I needed to grow roots, and friends, and family. He knew that I needed to know how it felt to be still. He moved all my friends away over the years but not me… because I needed to be right here…this whole time.

I now realize that this very thing is the reason why I don’t want to leave. This whole time we’ve been talking about moving to Miami, in the back of my head I have still been screaming, “BUT I DON’T WANNA GO” and wondering why is this so hard, growing up I moved every three or four years, so why is it so hard now?

But now I know… It’s so hard now because I’ve finally had the opportunity to grow into a place, to feel it out, to see it change and grow and develop. This has truly, truly been my home and just like it was heart-wrenching to get on my first plane ride and leave my family when I joined the military because I was leaving everything I knew behind, this will be equally as hard. BUT that’s okay because I am still doing what the Lord wants me to do and just like He has taking care of me thus far He will continue take care of and comfort me through it all.

With that new-found clarity and peace and started my devotional and it was on Psalm 97:7 which says: All worshipers of images are put to shame, who make their boast in worthless idols; worship him all you gods! It went on to talk about how people get so caught up in worshiping everything else but Him yet they get put to shame maybe not right away but eventually because what they worshiped cannot save them. One of the examples they used was a prestigious title at a corporation… and that is exactly what I had been doing and the reason why I didn’t get that job… I had been chasing a title, one that I thought I needed in order to go to Miami not realizing that although I was praying to Him for it my heart had become divided.

Needless to say I repented, and thanked Him for moments earlier giving me peace about where He wanted me to be and most of all for being gentle with me even when I’ve sinned against Him. I’m sure it hurt Him for my heart to have been divided and as a consequence to my choice I’m sure it hurt Him in the most fatherly way (this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you) to not give me that job and to see my despair afterwards.

However I needed to be corrected and humbled quickly before I became destructive and forgetful. And so I rejoice in His discipline. Even though the position at Wal-Mart isn’t what I wanted He knows where I need to be and letting Him lead is alright with me, so I am going to apply for that job and wait knowing that He’s in control and is painting a great BIG picture with me in it…

 

 

The End

Today was my last day day at Hope Pregnancy Center as their purity education director. It was a job that I never saw coming yet loved EVERY minute of it. I got to go in to middle schools and high schools and talk to both boys and girls about abstinence, purity, and healthy life choices!

Even though I knew this day was coming it was hard to leave that place. It wasn’t like leaving the Army I was Sooo ready to do that! Nor was it like when I left the finance office. I knew that I could see those girls any time I wanted.

But this time I knew I could never come back… There will only be letters and email updates with the occasional phone call. It won’t be the same. It is the end of this chapter of my life. I must be moving forward one faith step at a time until I reach my new destination. And that is why I cried and cried and cried some more. Things are really changing. I cannot deny it any longer, or push it out of my mind because it’s now staring me right in the face.

I know that it will be worth it and I know that with every end that happens there’s usually a beautiful beginning waiting to be discovered. This is going to be one grand adventure. I hope I can keep up…

Goodbyes are never fun…

 

Today was the last staff meeting that I will attend as a staff member of Hope Pregnancy Center, here in Clarksville. Tomorrow will be my last official day at work. I have my last presentation tomorrow morning and I am so sad that I am leaving all of it behind. Although I am moving forward to do what God has asked me to do goodbye’s are never fun. And even though I’ve only worked at hope for a little more than a year these lovely ladies are great friends and they will be missed!

a group of Jesus Loving women
all different ladies brought together by the love of Jesus!!

From the first day that I started I was greeted with open arms. Everyone was so excited that I had joined the team. And I was blessed to be there. I definitely learned a lot about myself during this last year. But more importantly I was able to work in an environment where we were all lovers of Jesus and after being in the military environment most of my adult life it was definitely time for a change. Each lady comes from different denominations and we simply worked together to serve the community and to give glory to God.

It has been a true blessing to work with each of them and I am really going to miss going in every Tuesday and Thursday and hearing the sounds of a busy office with the slight hint of some instrumental Christian music along with the occasional laughter from the volunteers in the break room. Working upstairs with the rest of the upstairs crew… hearing the parenting classes go on and taking notes from cool tidbits I picked up… Oh the joy that place brought to my life. I never once felt a burden to have to go to work and I know that if I find that again it will be a long time coming… my time there was more than blessed and if you ever want to check them out please click here and let them know… I am sure that you will be just as blessed as I was. Blessings.

 

Is it worth it

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I have all this paperwork to fill out for a possible job in Miami and I don’t know if it’s worth it or not.

To me they want too much information and it’s not even the schools address which to me is a big hassle… No they want stuff like notarized copies of everything! And letters of recommendations from three different people who aren’t related to you, past co workers or supervisors…

Not to mention they want a list of 7 people with names, addresses, and phone numbers who meet the same above mentioned criteria! Are you kidding me?

Part of me feels like this is not worth it and another part of me is thinking well if you don’t do the work you’ll never know… But man if I do ALL this work and still don’t get the job I’m gonna be furious!!! Oh the dilemma…

Reflections

Yesterday when I was at church I had the opportunity to speak with a friend and she not really knowing how much hurt I was feeling started talking about how Joseph had to go through a lot of craziness in order to become the king of the nation years later, and then she brought up Job and how even though he had been through so much pain and suffering he still praised the Lord. And it simply allowed me to put my situation into perspective. I was able to take a step back and see the big picture and realize that what I am going through really isn’t that bad.

Later on that day I realized that maybe I didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe I did exactly what I was supposed to do and reacted the way that I was supposed to react… and even though I didn’t necessarily get what I went for I still was in His will.  I told my husband why I think it hurt so much, so I’ll tell you too… I figured out that I didn’t want to leave Miami and to me that job opportunity would have allowed me to go back sooner rather than later… not to mention that I believed with all that I had for that job.

And then today during my morning devotional it hit me… for a brief moment I thought that this church planting thing would be easy because I hadn’t been hit yet… and although I knew we would be hit I figured we’d get hit when we got to Miami because we hadn’t been hit yet… and I had been bracing myself to weather the storm in Miami… and then all of a sudden I got hit, and it was so unexpected I didn’t know how to handle it…

I have walked around with my head hung low long enough… it’s only been a few days but really that’s a few days too many… I realize that even though I just got hit and I’m a bit short of breath my breakthrough is just around the corner and if I can keep moving forward I will make it around that corner to gather what is on the other side. I once heard someone say that so many people give up just short of their breakthrough because it gets too hard… well I don’t want that to be me.

So with the help of my Jesus I have cut off all the doubt and fear and I am moving ahead towards the bigger picture, the one that only He can see fully. I know that He is in control of everything and that He knew what was going to happen before I did. Therefore He already has a solution. I also know that He knows exactly where we are in our situation and He will remain faithful! His love is real and He will never leave us nor forsake us… and if that’s the only truth I can remember that’s enough for me.