I woke up today and kept wishing my baby a Happy 1st Birthday because all I could think about was how wonderful it must have been to not only wake up in heaven but to celebrate with Jesus!
It’s been exactly one year since my Kiwi Hannah was born and passed away to be with Jesus and I have no idea where the time has gone! It really did seem to fly by even through all my grief and pain.
Thank you so very much to every person who has prayed me and my husband through this year! I definitely know that our healing has been in part because of the prayers you’ve prayed. Thank you for letting me vent, and cry, and share the journey to healing with you all. It’s not always been pretty but it’s been as real as I could be at the moment. So thanks for listening/reading and sharing your encouraging words.
I had been thinking about what we could do to celebrate Kiwi’s birthday and I came up with the idea to cook something new together. I wanted to do something that was low key, fun and could be continued once the other kids arrive. We decided to cook an Indian dish that Kiwi and I got to experience during our time on the mission field there. We made butter chicken (thanks for the recipe Heather) with rice and we had naan. And for dessert we made a pumpkin cheesecake! We had a few friends over to celebrate with and there were a few gifts (mostly flowers) and the celebration was just perfect.
I did spend the day with Jesus listening to worship music and praying and I went and got my nails done in the colors that Kiwi’s nursery was going to be in (purple and orange). But overall I really did try and make it a day of celebration because everyone only ever gets one first birthday!
Approximately ten days from now my baby Kiwi Hannah will be one year old/ one year with the Lord. All I can think about even with all the homework I have to do is that I am suppose to be planning a first birthday party! But really, how do you plan a party for someone who’s already at the best party ever!?! I want to celebrate Kiwi and acknowledge her in some way that can be a growing tradition even after the other kids get here… We were thinking a get away but I don’t know if I can handle another get away while in school seeing as how I’m already behind from my week long non-negotiable wedding vacation in Cali last week!
I was thinking of purchasing a keepsake but then I don’t really know what I would get nor do I want to be collecting things. I don’t want to create a shrine of keepsakes because the last thing I want is for Kiwi Hannah to become some false idol during my remaining years of this new normal (not saying that if you’ve collected things you’re idolatrous). I was thinking of taking cupcakes to work and having a small celebration dinner later that night…
But I am also thinking about taking off of work and making it a personal day with Jesus with an acknowledgment dinner later that night… So many decisions to make in such a short time. I’m already weepy and don’t want to go to work only to have to leave early because I can’t control my tears… But I know life must go on… I also know that I am allowed to be sad and I’m allowed to take breaks when necessary so I’m only somewhat conflicted on what I want to do.
Thanks for listening I had to get that off my chest! Blessings to you all!