It’s been two months already!! My dear precious daughter went to be with Jesus two months ago and it’s so hard to believe. It’s hard not to think about how she would have been 6 months in my belly if she were still here but she has the best life with Jesus! I miss her dearly and wish she was still here but that’s just not the case.
I am just happy that today wasn’t full of tears. I did spend time talking to Jesus and crying but my whole day wasn’t consumed by it (even though I know it would have been okay if it was). I actually got up and made plans, saw people, cleaned the house, cooked dinner, and spent some wonderful quality time with my husband.
Two months is both a long time and not that long but as each day goes by I am healing and the pain is not so bad. Of course I still have my sad days but I just find a picture of her and stare at it for a while and I begin to feel better. It’s hard. The hardest thing I’ve been through but I am truly finding out that His grace is sufficient!
Thanks for reading and praying
Just the other day I realized those words perfectly describe who I am! I am a mother who hasn’t had the opportunity to parent my child. It hit me one day while I was driving; Kiwi Hannah made me a mother but her siblings will make me a parent.
Right now I am reading Priscilla Shirer’s Book One In A Million and on page 34 it talks about the manna that the Lord had given the Israelites upon their exit from Egypt into the wilderness, she goes on to say this: “The manna He’s asked you to chew on right now may be tough to swallow, but it’s the process through which your taste buds will be renovated and refined. I know it’s different. It’s suppose to be.”
Reading those words hit me like a ton of bricks because even though this pain is so unbearable at times I know that the Lord will not only see me through it but He will allow something beyond my wildest dreams to come from it as a part of my testimony. In the mean time I have to continue to eat the “manna” of pain and heartache that comes with the death of my first child, while waiting for the healing and victory to take their place. I’ve stood back for too long and it’s about time I stood up and walked out into what He has called me to do, and if that means I have to eat manna for a while or be different then so be it.
A few pages later in the book (page 36) Shirer has this to say: “God has made provision for you to experience abundant life without having to blow your diet on things that can only succeed in making you less happy with the person you’re turning out to be. Trust His provision to be complete, perfectly suited, right on time, and always sufficient.”
And that is exactly what I plan to do… TRUST GOD IN HIS TIMING, HIS PROVISION, HIS SUFFICIENCY!
I have been doing yoga for about two weeks now and have noticed that with every class I go to not only do I get stronger and more confident in the poses and such but healing occurs. For at least an hour I don’t think about anything but the moment I’m in. I get to release all the pain of not having my Kiwi Hannah here with me and I get to be strong; focusing on my core and my breathing instead of the pain and the emptiness.
I took advantage of a sale the local studio was having and haven’t regretted it one minute! I’ve had the chance to reconnect with old friends make a new one but most of all heal my heart to the point where I can tell people my story without bursting into tears or feeling depressed for the rest of the day!
My good days are becoming more frequent and I am beginning to see God’s love for me even in the midst of my greatest sorrow. The fog is beginning to lift and I am able to see God’s good intentions for my life and the fact that He wasn’t the one that caused this pain, but it was the enemy that has caused this pain to try to destroy me but I AM STRONG. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I HAVE NO LIMITATIONS.
I am planning and praying and listening to what God has for me to do because it will get done, and I can go on knowing full well that the Lord will restore EVERYTHING the enemy has stolen from me and when He does it will be glorious!
Today while at a dear friends house I realized a couple of the shattered dreams that I won’t have because my Kiwi Hannah is gone… and it made me cry, right there in the middle of her kitchen. She didn’t care that I was crying, she did a great job of letting me get it out and even talk about it.
But the pain of not being able to do school projects with her or even worry about what kind of cartoons she’s watching really sucks! Yes I know that I will eventually get the chance to do those things with future children but Kiwi will always be my first child and I didn’t get to do anything with her; NOT ONE THING!
I’ll never have the chance to get her ready for a father-daughter date, or get to see what sports she would have been interested in, or even play in her hair… None of the things I wanted to do with her will ever get done and that hurt is deep.