Music helps when things get hard. This morning while driving to work I found myself taking intentional breaths because I felt all the feelings starting to bubble up while listening to Cory Asbury.
Later this afternoon I felt the dull ache that let me know I needed to do something so I ended up listening to a few random songs that came to mind (A Letter to Myself, Here & Now and Endless Love) and made a point to go to the gym.
At that moment, those songs reminded me of better days, of being a little girl at home with my mom, before all the things that being a grown up made this life even harder.
Music is the one thing that completely changes my mood. It’s always been that way, and I am grateful for its healing qualities today.
This is what kept me going today. Actually it’s kept me going for five years now. When everything happened with Kiwi, people sent me messages and scriptures and this was the one scripture that broke through the grief long enough to stick and it slowly called me out of darkness and into His marvelous light, letting me know that I could trust Him to hold me together in my utter despair.
So this morning when I came across it I decided this would be my manna for today, and you know what? It was just enough to get me through today, to be able to find the good parts of the day, to notice the blue sky and the sun shining and to have a laugh with a friend. To see the blessings around me. I have no idea what tomorrow will be like, and I’m okay with that.
Like running for the first time in months! It wasn’t pretty, but I did it. I only ran for 8 minutes before I stopped to walk but I gotta start somewhere, right? I had grandiose plans to run 5Ks this year and I only ran one but the year is not over yet and I can still begin to train for them now. I can start right now where I’m at.
Like speaking up and letting my opinion be known, regarding my feelings, even if I have nothing else to offer because it’s not logical.
Like doing almost an hour of yoga because my body was telling me that I needed it.
Like not jumping through hoops that will stress me out to make things happen for others when I’ve been informed at the last minute.
Like standing firm with my daughter, when the consequence directly interrupts what I want to do.
Like trust my body that it is doing exactly what it is suppose to be doing.
Like claiming my healing even when I don’t see it just yet.
Like have a talk with my boss when I feel like I’ve failed him. Even if it was through tears, I did it and will do it again when ever necessary.
Like finding the balance between being a mom who works outside of the home and being fully present with my family and still finding moments for myself.
Like readjust my goals, to make them more attainable and realistic for where I’m at.
I can do hard things because I am strong. I am capable. I am enough. I am worthy.
Y’all. I’m home alone right now and after the week that I’ve had I’m so grateful for the silence. I’m overly emotional because next week is Kiwi’s Birthday. We’re trying to get out of debt, I am trying to publish my book, I still have to work, there’s still therapy that needs to get done. I want to buy all the makeup and new clothes cause I’m feeling my self, but did I mention we’re trying to get out of debt?! Lol.
I could be cleaning, or watching one of the countless shows or videos that I’ve saved but all I really want to do is sit in this silence with this small tinge of pain in my heart and think about what my life will be like a few years from now.
I have to think about the future so I won’t get sucked into the past, heartbreaking, earth-shattering grief I was in knowing full well that I’m allowed to feel all the feels regardless of when they come but I have to maintain some sort of balance. I’m gonna try some stuff I learned from therapy to soothe my ache and I’m gonna let myself cry but most of all I’m gonna enjoy the silence.
I know that consistency pays off in every aspect of my life. Right now though, it’s hard to find the motivation to get things done consistently. I don’t want to do anything that really needs to get done. I don’t know if it’s just me trying to find the time to decompress after this treacherous week of getting Kobi healthy again or if it’s just the way I start to shy away from the unknown.
Honestly, it may be a little bit of both and I’m trying really hard to fight through the muck and stay consistent in the areas where it matters the most. I’m also trying to remember a little each day will pay off in the long run.
How do you stay consistent when you get off track?