8 Months and A Red Nose

I was so busy today I didn’t really have time to miss Kiwi in abundance like I’ve done in the past. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing or if that’s just the normal process of grief and life… but it was kind of weird to have to make myself remember that today was the anniversary of her birth… not that I had forgotten; trust me with every new month that starts I tend to zero in on the 21st and know what day of the week it’s gonna fall on and what I’ll have going on around that day… but grad school has changed that a bit for me… it’s a nice distraction from the pain.

go to http://www.rednoseday.org to donate. #Rednose25

Not only did I workout and attend a couple of graduations today I also participated in Red Nose Day to help end poverty! I heard about it a couple of weeks ago and purchased a red nose from Walgreens and posted my selfies today to raise awareness and money… so that was a great way to do something other than mourn the loss of my baby girl!! The healing that I feel is real… and it’s nice. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. It’s only been 8 months but I’m starting to feel a little bit more like my old self if that makes any sense.

My First Mother’s Day

I decided that I was going to celebrate Mother’s Day at the last-minute because I needed to acknowledge for myself that I too could celebrate this day… I took a suggestion from one of my Facebook friends and went to a park, spent the day there, did a balloon release, flew a kite, and we ended up going to Sonic where I opened my gifts. We decided that every year we are going to go to Sonic and open my gifts there lol… we don’t ever do anything regular so why should be start now!! I did get some workout gear and a pedicure too!!

A close up of my message to my daughter Kiwi

Just before we left the car

Me posing on our way to finding the right spot

The lighting was good so we stopped for a picture

On our way to finding the right spot to give Kiwi her balloon

I didn’t want to let the balloon go…

I watched the balloon until it disappeared

I had so much fun flying this kite after I gave Kiwi her balloon.

The gifts Kiwi and William gave me

These are the gifts Kiwi and my husband picked out for me!

Did I mention we did this all on Saturday because today was a work day at church for us? And it was all for the better because today absolutely sucked!! I cried more than I wanted to. My eyes are sore and feel bruised and I am exhausted. The day is done and I survived… with many tears and lots of prayers my first Mother’s Day is now behind me.

Thank you to everyone who wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and to those who prayed me through this day I pray that God blesses you in a new way for the love you showed me. Thank you all for your support and love.

Jesus, William, and Kiwi, thank you for making me a mom!!

This isn’t a dream…

…it’s my life! Oh how I wish this was a horrible dream. My life is improving in other areas so quickly but in the baby arena it is standing still… Wandering what happened and if any of the last year was real!! 

Next month will make a year since we found out we were even pregnant… A whole year since our journey into parenthood began… And yet here we are with Mother’s Day right around the corner and nothing physical to show for it… No baby to spend the day with… No little feet butterflies for me! 

I want my baby and instead all I’m left with is a picture and a heart shaped box that sits on my mantle. Why can’t this just be a dream? Please let this be a dream!!! 

I was doing okay but then something was said and it triggered the pain but atleast I can look at a pregnant woman or an infant and not feel the physical pain anymore… I go to sleep hoping the day I had without Kiwi Hannah will change when I wake up and everyday it is the same… She’s worshipping with Jesus and I’m here seeking His presence.