Happy 4th Birthday Kiwi!

Today Kiwi would have been 4 years old. I only cried once around the time she was born, 5:34 in the morning. I also sang happy birthday to her then as well.

We slept in a little, got up and got Kobi registered for a pre school type program 2 days a week, then Big Sister Day commenced. We played in our play room, ate pizza for lunch, went bowling for the first time as a family (it was a huge success) came home took naps got up went out for ice cream and had more pizza for dinner.

It was both low key and celebratory at the same time. I miss Kiwi so much, but I am so thankful for all the good things that I was able to recognize throughout the week. Like the girls volleyball team that I coach winning their game, finding out that several people share the same birthday as Kiwi, getting offered a job position that I really wanted, receiving praise reports of answered prayers, and being able to spend time with my family.

I am also so grateful for people checking up on me, and praying me through this week! Y’all definitely lifted the burden.

Kiwi Hannah, mommy, daddy and sissy love you so much and hope you had an extra special really awesome day with Jesus, Cylis, Tegan, Kyle, and all the others. I look forward to seeing you in my dreams and of course when we get to heaven!

My heart hurts

My heart hurts. I’m sad. I wish Kiwi was here on this earth right now anticipating her birthday on Friday. She would be turning 4! I miss all of the opportunities and the memories we didn’t have and I cling to the ones we were able to create.

I cried today. I mean really cried. I had to let the pain out because I felt like I would suffocate otherwise. It’s not fair! Why did my baby have to be born so early? I know part of the reason was so that Kobi could live, but it doesn’t take away the pain I have deep in my heart.

I wish that life could have been breathed into Kiwi’s body like Elisha did when he raised the Shunammite’s son (see 2 Kings 4:32-37). I wish Kiwi was here so we could take her to preschool this year. I wish I could see her, and hold her. I wish she was here to help Kobi potty train and to play dress up with her. I really wish I took more pictures and shared more of her with everyone. We waited so long for her I just wanted to enjoy her and really soak the whole experience in. I wish for a lot of things concerning Kiwi but none of them will come true until I get to heaven…

My heart hurts. Nights are the worst because it becomes harder to shut out the despair when everything is still. So if I seem a bit scattered this week and even next week, please forgive me. I’m trying to live and walk through life while grieving my first born. I so appreciate your prayers.