It’s been one week since I gave birth to my baby girl! This has been the longest week of my life! Every day I wake up wanting her here and every night I go to sleep looking for her… I know she’s with Jesus but that doesn’t make my pain any easier. I know my God is sovereign but I don’t know what His plan is just yet for my pain and despair! I know He will turn this around for good… maybe not my good but for the good of those around me or those that I come in contact with…
As much as I hate to admit it I am now a member of a secret society/club that not many talk about… you know the group of parents that have lost a child and not just any child but a stillborn child. I know loss is loss but it seems like even this loss is a little different from those who had time with their child and were able to see their child grow and change… I am in no way saying that my loss is greater than any one else’s loss I am just pointing out the fact that it’s just different!
All my life I’ve been different… so why should my current situation be anything other than just that! I’m angry but even in my anger I still love God and have known from the beginning of this tragedy that He was in control and no matter what happened He would still be in control! There is nothing that I can change or could have changed!
So now after a week full of emptiness I am continually turning to Him in my despair, sorrow, anger, and love! I know that I don’t have much love left to give Him but what I have is His and has always been His since I said yes to following Him no matter the cost!! I guess it’s time to show Him that I meant what I said 7 years ago… because this is by far the hardest thing I have EVER had to deal with.
Thanks for listening/reading and your continued prayers,
Last night was a win for me… I didn’t cry myself to sleep! I don’t know what tonight will bring but I do know that I will be enjoying a piece of cheesecake (thanks Rachel)! I had a mini breakthrough and it brought about some peace. It gave me the strength I needed to make it another day.
I feel like I’m in this deep fog and when I break out of it my baby will be growing safely in my belly until my due date. But instead I know this isn’t a dream, it’s my life, my new reality and new normal… and my baby is dancing and worshiping Jesus in heaven. It doesn’t get any better than that I know but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be selfish and have her here with us.
It will get better eventually, and I know that when I get to heaven she’ll be waiting for me but for now it still hurts and my heart is overloaded with grief my mind is both fast and slow dead and alive… all these feelings and thoughts are running me ragged and all I really want to do is run away and start a new life with my husband on some small island or in an even smaller town.
I know that is not realistic at all and only something people do in movies or maybe if they have a lot of money which we don’t have… so for now especially in the days ahead I am learning to take things moment by moment because nothing will ever be the same again…
I’m back! I know it’s been quite sometime…. the last time I wrote you all I was trying to find something extra cool to do in Jersey on my way to and from India. Well needless to say I had a great time in India, and ended up seeing the sights in Manhattan instead of Jersey. I also graduated from Austin Peay State University with a Bachelors of Science in Communications with a concentration in Public Relations. But that’s not what has brought me back…
During the summer June 10th to be exact I found out I was pregnant to my delight. If anyone has followed me for any time you know the struggle it has been for me and my husband to conceive and how painful mother’s day has been for me. So to say that I was beyond ecstatic is quite the understatement. I went to India in July fully pregnant with confidence that the Lord would protect both me and my baby and He did! I graduated in August with my baby present under my robe! And in September I finally felt the little flutters of movement I had been waiting for! But even that is not what I’m back to talk about…
See, just a few short days ago Sunday September 21st at 5:34 am I gave birth to my daughter at only 18 weeks old. She was 8 oz and 8.5 inches long. We decided to name her Kiwi Hannah Harding because we called her Kiwi every night as we prayed for our baby, at the time we didn’t know what we were having and we still didn’t know until we had her that morning. She came too early because I have found out that I have what is known as an incompetent cervix (I dilated without any symptoms or pain). Therefore, no cervix=nothing to keep baby in… thereby producing a much too early delivery.
And that is why I’m back! Even in my heartache, brokenness, and grief I know that God is good and His love IS real! It doesn’t mean that I’m not mad or that I don’t have tons of questions that still may never get answered but I had to come back in my time of grief to give God the honor and glory He still deserves even in my darkest hour!
So prepare yourselves, I’ll be blogging more often about my long journey to surviving this devastation… Thank you for continuing to read this blog even in my absence and thank you for your continued prayers for me and my family during this horrific time in our lives. I’ll try to also blog about the good times as well…