Today is my birthday. It’s not a super special one, I’m just 31 but considering the state of the nation I am extremely happy and grateful to see this day!! I finally got my hair cut. Something I’ve wanted to do for a couple of years now and I had some friends over for a game night!! It really was a great day!! I had pizza and Patti Labelle’s pie for my cake along with a sour cream cake just in case we needed more. We chatted all night and it was so much fun!! I spent some good time with Jesus and my baby Kobi and had some good conversations with William. It was a great day!!
My heart is heavy. It’s been that way off and on for a while. Somedays I can’t even do anything but exist and pray for the strength to get through the day. I’m not talking about Kiwi Hannah although I miss her. I’m talking about the killing of unarmed black people going on all across the country! I haven’t seen a video since Tamir Rice because if I continued to watch every murder it just wouldn’t be good for my sanity.
After Sandra Bland was killed for a turn signal I was scared to drive, like I didn’t want to be in a car by myself. I made sure I followed all traffic laws I wouldn’t even go 5 over the speed limit for fear of being pulled over even though those around me were going at least 10 over the speed limit, but I knew that if they got pulled over it would just be a ticket and if I got pulled over it could be way more than that. The police department where I live has done a great job and has never given me a reason to doubt them but these days all it takes is one bad officer to end my life and change the life of my family forever.
I’m pretty sure that somewhere in the last few years I have begun to use my white husband’s privilege as a safety net unbeknownst to him. He doesn’t say anything special or demand certain treatment but alas his mere existence buys me another day of life! Now I know that he is not the giver of life and really Jesus is the one that has my days numbered but I have come to feel like when I’m with my husband I get a pass to live one more day!
That makes me sad because I know that my brothers, my sister, my cousin, my best friends and even my mom aren’t safe! They don’t have any white’s privilege readily available. And the fact that my husband’s skin color protects me makes me sick! He is supposed to be my protector yes, but he shouldn’t have to protect me from my skin color!
My daughter looks racially ambiguous now, but what will she look like when she’s older? I would hope it wouldn’t matter but somehow I know it still will matter when she’s older. How do I begin to form the words to explain to her why she will need to be a little more careful than her other friends when going out etc… I know I have some years to find the words but I’d much rather spend that time making memories with her instead of trying to explain the world we live in to her. I don’t want her to live in fear but she will be made aware of why things are the way they are.
It’s hard to continue to believe in our justice system when justice is the last thing to be served/given in past situations like Eric Garner and Freddie Gray amongst others. It’s hard to be a Christian who follows Jesus and balance all the feelings that flood my mind when another unarmed black person has died by the hands of a police officer. It’s so complicated. Because I always think that could have been me or someone I love! I am praying that in the Alton Sterling and now the Philando Castile cases justice will be served. I’m also praying for their families.
I am an educated black Christian woman and I am here to say that #blacklivesmatter! My life and the life of my family is not worth less than anyone else’s and it’s time people understood that! And of course all lives matter because the vast majority are still alive to keep telling us that so please spare me the comparisons.
I didn’t write this to start a fight or argue and I may or may not acknowledge comments. I wrote this to vent, to relieve the burden that is at times crushing, I did this to say that I am black and my life matters!
Thanks for reading and please continue to pray for the families of those who have been killed by the hands of police officers.
Kobi is five months today and it just so happened to be over the weekend when we travel to our friends home in Ohio for vacation. Kobi did excellent on the road and we only stopped 3 times. We’ve been to the zoo, saw fireworks and of course church! Kobi absolutely loved the fireworks and actually cried when they slowed down. She slept through most of the zoo, but we enjoyed it!
Kobi is teething, she weighs just over 12 pounds and is 22 inches long. She loves any type of music she loves to sleep and is sleeping through the night. She picks out her outfits by smiling for the one she wants to wear!! She still loves prayer before bed and she still does not like to be hungry but is becoming more patient when things take a little longer than usual. She is learning to roll over, she has found her fists and she loves to talk!