Happy 4th Birthday Kiwi!

Today Kiwi would have been 4 years old. I only cried once around the time she was born, 5:34 in the morning. I also sang happy birthday to her then as well.

We slept in a little, got up and got Kobi registered for a pre school type program 2 days a week, then Big Sister Day commenced. We played in our play room, ate pizza for lunch, went bowling for the first time as a family (it was a huge success) came home took naps got up went out for ice cream and had more pizza for dinner.

It was both low key and celebratory at the same time. I miss Kiwi so much, but I am so thankful for all the good things that I was able to recognize throughout the week. Like the girls volleyball team that I coach winning their game, finding out that several people share the same birthday as Kiwi, getting offered a job position that I really wanted, receiving praise reports of answered prayers, and being able to spend time with my family.

I am also so grateful for people checking up on me, and praying me through this week! Y’all definitely lifted the burden.

Kiwi Hannah, mommy, daddy and sissy love you so much and hope you had an extra special really awesome day with Jesus, Cylis, Tegan, Kyle, and all the others. I look forward to seeing you in my dreams and of course when we get to heaven!

My heart hurts

My heart hurts. I’m sad. I wish Kiwi was here on this earth right now anticipating her birthday on Friday. She would be turning 4! I miss all of the opportunities and the memories we didn’t have and I cling to the ones we were able to create.

I cried today. I mean really cried. I had to let the pain out because I felt like I would suffocate otherwise. It’s not fair! Why did my baby have to be born so early? I know part of the reason was so that Kobi could live, but it doesn’t take away the pain I have deep in my heart.

I wish that life could have been breathed into Kiwi’s body like Elisha did when he raised the Shunammite’s son (see 2 Kings 4:32-37). I wish Kiwi was here so we could take her to preschool this year. I wish I could see her, and hold her. I wish she was here to help Kobi potty train and to play dress up with her. I really wish I took more pictures and shared more of her with everyone. We waited so long for her I just wanted to enjoy her and really soak the whole experience in. I wish for a lot of things concerning Kiwi but none of them will come true until I get to heaven…

My heart hurts. Nights are the worst because it becomes harder to shut out the despair when everything is still. So if I seem a bit scattered this week and even next week, please forgive me. I’m trying to live and walk through life while grieving my first born. I so appreciate your prayers.

My Dearest Kobi

It’s been a long time since I wrote you. In fact there’s a journal that has been neglected so long that all of your major milestones since we moved to Oregon are captured in my mind and via phone. Check your Facebook for all of the pictures when those words run out you’ll be certain to find them there.

You’re growing up so fast. I want time to stand still so I can treasure each and every moment with you. I know it can’t and won’t and I’m actually really excited to watch you learn. I mean just the other day you came in the kitchen with your shoes on the correct feet with straps through the loops and Velcro in place. The week before that you wrote the most perfect letter H all by yourself (check Facebook for that highlight your daddy made it his profile picture). The week prior to that you peed in the potty for the first time! And yesterday when we went to the store, you pointed out the peppers in the produce isle and began reciting, ” if Peter Piper picked a peck of peppers…”

You are incredibly brilliant! You love to read and be read to, and you love to dance and sing. So much so that you’ve begun making up your own songs! You love people so well and really do walk around to the beat of your own drum. You aren’t afraid to ask for prayer or pray for those around you. You are compassionate and strong. You love to write and color with pens. You really do know what you want. You’re interested in Engineering and you love planes so much that you have to stop and look for them the moment you hear them flying over head!

Oh and did I mention that you are only two and half years old right now? I’m sure you can do the math from when this was written in your head because you are your father’s child after all, but I decided to just throw that out there.

My Dearest Kobi,

You. Are. Brilliant! Don’t ever forget that. Don’t let anyone EVER tell you otherwise. You were meant for greatness. The favor of the Lord is with you wherever you go, and although we may not be with you, know that our love for you is deep and unconditional. Oh and please hear me when I say, doing it differently is what we do best!! Trust God because He’s never failed us! You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me!

Love you FOREVER,

MomMother and daughter in dresses

Daddy picked your dress and you picked mine for church one day. Photo taken 7/18 in Eugene, OR.
Mother and daughter spinning
You asked to spin in our princess dresses so we did. Photo taken 7/18 in Eugene, OR

Where Was God Today Day 31

Today, Jesus was in my memories, reminding me of His goodness and faithfulness in our lives! Today we celebrated it being 2 years since we were able to bring Kobi home from the NICU. We called it Kobi’s coming home day and had donuts for breakfast, and then went and let her pick out some things at Toys R Us with some gift cards she had. We wore matching shirts and just spent time together.

What better way to end my blog challenge than by being reminded of one of the greatest miracles God has given me thus far! Kobi was and is an answer to many prayers and she never ceases to amaze me or anyone she is around for that matter. God speaks through her and works through her to soften hard hearts and bless and brighten the day of those she meets.

I started this challenge in a funk, and I’m ending on a high note, encouraged and very aware of God’s faithfulness in my life and in the lives of those around me. He is moving and working on our behalf even while we sleep, and regardless of what we don’t see He is good and worthy to be praised!

Where Was God Today Day 30

God showed up several times today. First He came in the thoughtfulness of an Easter basket… Those eggs we dyed yesterday, were put into baskets for all of us, not just Kobi and it made me cry to be given such a sweet and thoughtful gift. Each of our baskets had the eggs with our names on them, and then some of our favorite things (jelly beans, cashews, toys).

Then God showed up to fight for me. During a misunderstanding, where I could have really argued my point in a not so nice way, I decided to keep my mouth shut and fingers from typing and just thought about how I could approach the situation and the Lord allowed for the other person to see their mistake and make things right.

Lastly, God showed up in the conversations that William and I were able to have. We didn’t agree about everything and I didn’t shut down, but instead pushed through until we finished and had resolutions in place. All of which is progress for me!