If I knew then…

If I knew then what I know now I would have done things a lot differently. I would have let my mom coo over my belly upon arrival for my graduation last August, I would have let more people touch my growing belly (maybe), I would have taken more pride in my baby bump pictures I sent to my parents. I wouldn’t have worried about gaining extra weight! I would have let people help me more when I was in India and I would have taken more pictures as if Kiwi were there experiencing things with me… Because she was! 

Yesterday was hard, and I know a month from now is gonna be even harder. 

11 months have gone by and my arms are as empty as the day I left the hospital. It still hurts to see people that are pregnant or have little babies that are the age she was suppose to be if she would have made it to her due date or either the age she would have been if she survived… 

All these dates and babies and pregnancies and pictures and baby showers makes me feel like I’m going crazy for remembering and not wanting to be apart of other people’s joy! I’m sorry but on very rare occasions have I gone to a baby shower since I lost my Kiwi Hannah. 

WARNING MINI RANT AHEAD…

Maybe I’m a little salty that I never got one even though I have a basement closet full of baby furniture half-heartedly tucked away only to be seen EVERY DAY when I go down to practice my piano… Regardless of the reason let this be notice to everyone reading, if I don’t express my want to go I WILL NOT be going to your baby shower nor do I want an invite!! Yes I know your child is a blessing and I’m happy for you but your joy causes me too much pain and I don’t have to put myself in that position and I won’t! My heart and mental state are fragile at best and I need to keep what little pieces of my heart and what little peace I have in tact.

NOW RETURNING TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED POST…

This grieving process of mine has given me new eyes to see the important things and people in my life and let go of unnecessary baggage and people. I was never one for games but now I have no tolerance for any such foolishness at all!

Growth is still happening, pruning is taking place, love is expanding, and healing is coming; slowly but surely! My God, my family, and my friends have been and continue to be such great supporters of me and my process and for that I say Thank You!

30 before 30 revisited

So it’s crazy how life happens. Here it is dang near two months after my 30th birthday and I am just now getting a change to update you guys on how I did! There were a ton of things I wasn’t able to do but there were things that I did go on to accomplish.

Here is the remainder of my list from my original post along with the things I did accomplish since then.

I want to partake in a fancy dinner✔️ (we did kind of go to a fancy dinner on vacation but we didn’t have to dress up for it)

  Yeah that’s steak and lobster on my plate but if we would have dressed up we would have been overdressed. 

I want to dress up in fancy clothes for said dinner

I want to have a Girls Night Out where we’re all dressed up (didn’t happen because I had homework)

I want to rock a Body Con dress at some point ( I did buy a few dresses just haven’t worn them)

I want to dye my hair at some point (I did end up dying my hair just not before the deadline)

I want to complete a Pinterest Project that’s not food (I still only did food)

I want to actually print pictures✔️ we printed pictures for our friends anniversary gift (a technicality I know)

I want to play a whole song with melody on the piano✔️ ( I don’t have the whole melody but I do have a song I can play and I even made my own)

I want to hold a conversation in Spanish✔️ I actually prayed in Spanish one night before dinner and held a small conversation with my friend.

I want to pay off debt✔️ my husband and I have been able to pay off a good amount of debt and it’s been great! We are definitely working that Dave Ramsey plan!

I want to recreate an outfit with only thrifted clothes (this just didn’t happen)

I want to finish William’s Blanket (who was I kidding)

I want to paint more and actually learn techniques (I did start to do Zentangle Art)

I want to finish the Dance Ministry SOP I’m working on ( it’s finished but at last unused)

I want to get a job that I like✔️ technically I don’t start until Monday and it’s a Graduate Assitant position so it’s not full time and I don’t know if I’ll even like it but I’m sure I will. 

I want to start a group for women (this is not the season for the group I have in mind)

Book a speaking engagement✔️ I actually have done three since I set this goal!! 

  Here, I taught social media best practices to a group of about 30 people and it was great!
Go to a beach✔️ 

 It’s my new favorite place!

Go to a new city✔️

 I actually went to a few new ones but Quebec was my favorite city by far although I did enjoy Toronto too!! 
Become a thrifter

Go to networking events✔️  

 William and I attended a Networking event in Nashville 

Rent a house or cabin with friends✔️ 

 we were able to rent this place with our friends and we loved it!

Step into what God has for me✔️ there really is no picture that is sufficient for this.

Become a mentor✔️ this was only seasonal but I learned a lot about myself and the women I had the chance to encourage every week.

Go to North Carolina✔️ 

 William took me to the mountains of NC to celebrate my Val’s birthday!

Go to Ohio✔️ 

    
   this is just a few things we did in Ohio!!
Go to Texas (we went to Canada instead)

*My just because is to apply for a job out of country*
So there you have it. My not so completed 30 before 30 list! I hope you all have had a great past 6 months!! Blessings to you always! 

10 months and still living!

It’s been 10 months since my baby Kiwi Hannah went to be with Jesus and although I’m sad I made it a point to post some good stuff today because I have had tons of good days. It’s almost as if the good days are so plentiful that when I do have a bad day it’s a really bad day full of crying low energy and no motivation to do anything. I don’t know how I feel about them but that’s just where I am right now…

So anyway my dear William and I have been traveling a whole bunch and I decided I would share some pictures of our travels since it hasn’t all been bad! I hope you all enjoy and thank you for the continued prayer and support! 

   
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
   

2 For 1: Father’s Day & 9 Months Later

Technically this is William’s second Father’s Day as we just found out we were expecting right before Father’s Day last year however this year is so bitter… I want to say that it’s sweet and we had a great day which we did, but from the very moment I woke up this morning my heart was heavy and it’s still so heavy even now…

Even though today makes 9 months that our Kiwi Hannah has been with Jesus I still want to acknowledge my love because today is his day and he did such a great job honoring me on Mother’s Day…  William was and is a fantastic Father! He made sure he was there at every appointment and made sure I had everything I wanted and needed. He is caring and kind and loves children both ours and others and will play with them until they are all pooped out (him included). 

Thank you William for being such a righteous man who loves God above everything else! I love you and appreciate you and know that the memories we made with Kiwi will last a lifetime until we meet her again! Thank you for walking this life out with me. I love you and treasure you and can’t wait to make new memories with our future children. Happy Father’s Day my love I hope you found a piece of Joy in all of this bitterness!

My loves: William & Kiwi Hannah!

What a difference a year makes

so I was casually scrolling through Facebook when I see a friends post from like 3 years ago she was just reflecting on how much her life had changed since then… I clicked on her post to finish reading it and instead clicked on my posts for this day in past years… And I found this:

  
Apparently, just one short year ago today we announced we were pregnant!! I definitely wasn’t ready or expecting to see this… To be honest I had no idea when we made the announcement and hadn’t thought about it much.

My heart is heavy with the knowlege of how much my life has truly changed in just one year! I’ll definitely have a good cry or several tonight (after I work on homework) but I will also spend some extra time with Jesus thanking Him for continuing to be by my side even when I’m mad at Him. The Lord has truly done a work on my heart and has allotted me a grace I never knew was possible. 

I loss my baby girl Kiwi Hannah back in September of last year… Since then I chose to get healthy, celebrated six years of marriage, found a job, did a 30 before 30 list, quit a job and start Grad School… 

I’m grieving but I am also living and hopefully I’ll make time to share with you guys (especially my blog friends) what that looks like. There are far more moments of joy that I need to share with you all. Until then please know that it gets better. 

God Bless You for your continued support.

8 Months and A Red Nose

I was so busy today I didn’t really have time to miss Kiwi in abundance like I’ve done in the past. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing or if that’s just the normal process of grief and life… but it was kind of weird to have to make myself remember that today was the anniversary of her birth… not that I had forgotten; trust me with every new month that starts I tend to zero in on the 21st and know what day of the week it’s gonna fall on and what I’ll have going on around that day… but grad school has changed that a bit for me… it’s a nice distraction from the pain.

go to www.rednoseday.org to donate. #Rednose25

go to http://www.rednoseday.org to donate. #Rednose25

Not only did I workout and attend a couple of graduations today I also participated in Red Nose Day to help end poverty! I heard about it a couple of weeks ago and purchased a red nose from Walgreens and posted my selfies today to raise awareness and money… so that was a great way to do something other than mourn the loss of my baby girl!! The healing that I feel is real… and it’s nice. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. It’s only been 8 months but I’m starting to feel a little bit more like my old self if that makes any sense.

Just before we left the car

My First Mother’s Day

I decided that I was going to celebrate Mother’s Day at the last-minute because I needed to acknowledge for myself that I too could celebrate this day… I took a suggestion from one of my Facebook friends and went to a park, spent the day there, did a balloon release, flew a kite, and we ended up going to Sonic where I opened my gifts. We decided that every year we are going to go to Sonic and open my gifts there lol… we don’t ever do anything regular so why should be start now!! I did get some workout gear and a pedicure too!!

Did I mention we did this all on Saturday because today was a work day at church for us? And it was all for the better because today absolutely sucked!! I cried more than I wanted to. My eyes are sore and feel bruised and I am exhausted. The day is done and I survived… with many tears and lots of prayers my first Mother’s Day is now behind me.

Thank you to everyone who wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and to those who prayed me through this day I pray that God blesses you in a new way for the love you showed me. Thank you all for your support and love.

Jesus, William, and Kiwi, thank you for making me a mom!!