10 months and still living!

It’s been 10 months since my baby Kiwi Hannah went to be with Jesus and although I’m sad I made it a point to post some good stuff today because I have had tons of good days. It’s almost as if the good days are so plentiful that when I do have a bad day it’s a really bad day full of crying low energy and no motivation to do anything. I don’t know how I feel about them but that’s just where I am right now…

So anyway my dear William and I have been traveling a whole bunch and I decided I would share some pictures of our travels since it hasn’t all been bad! I hope you all enjoy and thank you for the continued prayer and support! 


2 For 1: Father’s Day & 9 Months Later

Technically this is William’s second Father’s Day as we just found out we were expecting right before Father’s Day last year however this year is so bitter… I want to say that it’s sweet and we had a great day which we did, but from the very moment I woke up this morning my heart was heavy and it’s still so heavy even now…

Even though today makes 9 months that our Kiwi Hannah has been with Jesus I still want to acknowledge my love because today is his day and he did such a great job honoring me on Mother’s Day…  William was and is a fantastic Father! He made sure he was there at every appointment and made sure I had everything I wanted and needed. He is caring and kind and loves children both ours and others and will play with them until they are all pooped out (him included). 

Thank you William for being such a righteous man who loves God above everything else! I love you and appreciate you and know that the memories we made with Kiwi will last a lifetime until we meet her again! Thank you for walking this life out with me. I love you and treasure you and can’t wait to make new memories with our future children. Happy Father’s Day my love I hope you found a piece of Joy in all of this bitterness!

My loves: William & Kiwi Hannah!

What a difference a year makes

so I was casually scrolling through Facebook when I see a friends post from like 3 years ago she was just reflecting on how much her life had changed since then… I clicked on her post to finish reading it and instead clicked on my posts for this day in past years… And I found this:

Apparently, just one short year ago today we announced we were pregnant!! I definitely wasn’t ready or expecting to see this… To be honest I had no idea when we made the announcement and hadn’t thought about it much.

My heart is heavy with the knowlege of how much my life has truly changed in just one year! I’ll definitely have a good cry or several tonight (after I work on homework) but I will also spend some extra time with Jesus thanking Him for continuing to be by my side even when I’m mad at Him. The Lord has truly done a work on my heart and has allotted me a grace I never knew was possible. 

I loss my baby girl Kiwi Hannah back in September of last year… Since then I chose to get healthy, celebrated six years of marriage, found a job, did a 30 before 30 list, quit a job and start Grad School… 

I’m grieving but I am also living and hopefully I’ll make time to share with you guys (especially my blog friends) what that looks like. There are far more moments of joy that I need to share with you all. Until then please know that it gets better. 

God Bless You for your continued support.

8 Months and A Red Nose

I was so busy today I didn’t really have time to miss Kiwi in abundance like I’ve done in the past. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing or if that’s just the normal process of grief and life… but it was kind of weird to have to make myself remember that today was the anniversary of her birth… not that I had forgotten; trust me with every new month that starts I tend to zero in on the 21st and know what day of the week it’s gonna fall on and what I’ll have going on around that day… but grad school has changed that a bit for me… it’s a nice distraction from the pain.

go to www.rednoseday.org to donate. #Rednose25

go to http://www.rednoseday.org to donate. #Rednose25

Not only did I workout and attend a couple of graduations today I also participated in Red Nose Day to help end poverty! I heard about it a couple of weeks ago and purchased a red nose from Walgreens and posted my selfies today to raise awareness and money… so that was a great way to do something other than mourn the loss of my baby girl!! The healing that I feel is real… and it’s nice. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. It’s only been 8 months but I’m starting to feel a little bit more like my old self if that makes any sense.

Just before we left the car

My First Mother’s Day

I decided that I was going to celebrate Mother’s Day at the last-minute because I needed to acknowledge for myself that I too could celebrate this day… I took a suggestion from one of my Facebook friends and went to a park, spent the day there, did a balloon release, flew a kite, and we ended up going to Sonic where I opened my gifts. We decided that every year we are going to go to Sonic and open my gifts there lol… we don’t ever do anything regular so why should be start now!! I did get some workout gear and a pedicure too!!

Did I mention we did this all on Saturday because today was a work day at church for us? And it was all for the better because today absolutely sucked!! I cried more than I wanted to. My eyes are sore and feel bruised and I am exhausted. The day is done and I survived… with many tears and lots of prayers my first Mother’s Day is now behind me.

Thank you to everyone who wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and to those who prayed me through this day I pray that God blesses you in a new way for the love you showed me. Thank you all for your support and love.

Jesus, William, and Kiwi, thank you for making me a mom!!

This isn’t a dream…

…it’s my life! Oh how I wish this was a horrible dream. My life is improving in other areas so quickly but in the baby arena it is standing still… Wandering what happened and if any of the last year was real!! 

Next month will make a year since we found out we were even pregnant… A whole year since our journey into parenthood began… And yet here we are with Mother’s Day right around the corner and nothing physical to show for it… No baby to spend the day with… No little feet butterflies for me! 

I want my baby and instead all I’m left with is a picture and a heart shaped box that sits on my mantle. Why can’t this just be a dream? Please let this be a dream!!! 

I was doing okay but then something was said and it triggered the pain but atleast I can look at a pregnant woman or an infant and not feel the physical pain anymore… I go to sleep hoping the day I had without Kiwi Hannah will change when I wake up and everyday it is the same… She’s worshipping with Jesus and I’m here seeking His presence.

I Won Today!!

The pain is deep but NOT debilitating anymore. I wasn’t sad just more reflective today. I still have good days and bad days. Sad moments and happy moments. Last week was absolutely horrible; as if everything had just happened for the first time… but here we are 7 months after my baby Kiwi Hannah went to be with Jesus and there has been no tears or sadness.

I actually woke up in a great mood, read my Bible, went to work and had a great day, went to the park for lunch to walk around (it was an absolute gorgeous day today), came home spent sometime with a wonderful friend, worked out, made dinner and did laundry! Today was wonderful!

I think about my baby every day. But at the same time I am moving forward, making plans, listening to God, having fun, dreaming, and waiting for the day I will see her again face to face and be able to hold her!

As always, thanks for reading and for your encouraging words, prayers and support. Next month may be a totally different story but this month; THIS DAY I won!!