A loss unlike any other

Blue and Pink Bracelet
My bracelet that lets me embrace Kiwi just a little

Today I dug out my bracelet, I just had to wear it today. At first I didn’t know why, at the time it played right into my outfit: a black dress a pink cami underneath and my blue glasses. I was wearing the colors for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month so of course my bracelet with the same colors and Kiwi’s name just had to be worn today! At some point I realized that today was the day of remembrance for those that have loss children, and I felt like it was subconsciously Kiwi’s way of saying remember me! 

I’ve lost friends and grandparents before, but losing my child was so different, so unexpected, the pain was so deep I thought I would drown. Everything I ever imagined for my daughter was gone in an instant. There would be no long life lived… and instead I would feel like I’ve lived long enough, just so that I could meet her! Of course I held her, but it wasn’t long enough. I saw her breathing, but that wasn’t long enough. 

My baby Kiwi is gone, and it sucks! 

I’m happy for this day and this month because it forces me to grieve instead of setting my feelings aside and being strong for the other areas of my life. It gives me an excuse to cry without explanation, and to really feel the tug on my heart, it also allows me to see Kiwi in different moments, be it a solitary bird flying over head, or a rainbow, those moments are sweet and I know they are her way of saying hello until we meet face to face and can embrace. 

Today, the rest of this month and every other day please remember those that have experienced a loss unlike any other! You won’t always see their pain but know that it’s there and they need prayer and support and acknowledgement. 

I’m so hungry

This week has been really hard, and I’ve been hungry more times than I’d like. Not to mention this week has been pretty emotional and I couldn’t eat what I would normally drown my sorrows in. I just can’t wait to eat a great big piece of chocolate cake! I’m not even kidding! Right now all I think about is trying not to over do anything when I can eat the good stuff again. Like I know you’re suppose to ease back into things slowly but that might not happen! 

I will say that I can totally see a difference in the way that my clothes fit, and my back doesn’t hurt nearly as bad which has been fantastic! So there are benefits to continuing on, plus I’m very goal oriented so once I say I’m doing something, that’s pretty much it for me. Also, William has noted that I haven’t complained at all during the last 14 days, so I’m sure that’s a plus!

Fajita mix with Kale and Zoodle Spaghetti
Fajita mix w/kale and butternut squash/beet noodle spaghetti

I did make spaghetti earlier this week and ended up eating it for the rest of the week because William wasn’t a huge fan of it. But it definitely hit the spot. I also made a chicken fajita mix with kale and it was super yummy, William liked it. I think that’s something that I could keep in the rotation. I’m just glad to be done with this week because that means there’s only two more to go! 

The journey continues next week…

Whole 30, thus far…

It’s been seven days since I started the Whole 30, and it’s hard, and has sucked more days than not, but I have already seen and felt changes. I have found that I have way more energy during the day, that I am sleeping better, and that I am not so bloated, which make my clothes look better! Therefore, I’m just trying to remember my “why” and keep chugging away day by day. 

This week was hard because there was a lot of celebration going on at work, which equaled cupcakes galore also giving Kobi her snacks proved to be difficult, but I made it through by eating lots of fruit while others were eating their sweets and remembering to drink water.

Whole 30 food
Some of my food choices this week.

So what’s my “why” anyway? My overall health! I’m wanting to do my part in getting in shape and healing my body so that when my next pregnancy gets here, I would have done my part to be as healthy as possible and maybe not be on bedrest this go around. I know that I can only be healed by Jesus but I also know that the food I put in my body can also play a part in my healing so I should do my best to honor the process. 

Going forward the next couple of weeks should be interesting. I know that I will have to make some adjustments but it will all be worth it in the end. So here’s to 3 more weeks of this Whole 30 journey! 

Changing What’s On My Plate

Tomorrow and for the next 30 days I will be intentionally changing what’s on my plate. I will be starting the journey into healthy living by first committing to an elimination diet of sorts, aka the Whole 30. Not only have I always struggled with food, I have also struggled with back pain for many years, and although it has gotten a lot better in recent years because of physical therapy, yoga, and forgiveness; it still isn’t 100%. Therefore, I decided that doing the Whole 30 to figure out what may be enabling my pain was worth a shot.

Bible Verse Philippians 2:13
I know that I am walking in obedience to the Lord concerning this lifestyle change.

Although, I had a pumpkin donut and some vitamin water for dinner, the next 30 days will be strictly meat, veggies, eggs, fruit, and water. It’s going to be hard, but I know that this is something that the Lord is calling me to, so that I can be a better version of me and I also know that He will help me through every craving, every withdrawal symptom, and keep me diligent, peaceful and kind through it all. I’m intrigued to find out what I will learn about myself during this time, and I am expecting to have many things revealed that will further my knowledge and help heal me in more ways than one.

Have you ever done the Whole 30? What were some of your experiences?

I’m Broken…

I’m broken. I’ve always known this, but I just realized how broken I am, and it’s really, really broken. I think it is very interesting that as I have committed to fixing one part of my life, other areas are coming to the top asking to be skimmed off, to be looked upon and reflected on… and it hurts. 

As much as it hurts, I will do the work necessary for healing to take place and I will keep moving forward and living my life to the full! I’m just broken; not destroyed, not unrecognizable. I am still able to function and see the goodness in this life! I’m ready to do the work, to discover all that this life has to offer on the other side of the pain I’ve carried for so long. I’m ready to experience a new kind of freedom, one where I know exactly who I am, and what I’ve been called to do!