The Past Five Months

The past five months have been utterly incomprehensible! I’ve never known a pain so deep, so raw, one that bleeds at the sight of a newborn baby, pregnant lady, or baby clothes (did I mention I am constantly surrounded by all three).

And yet, here I am; ALIVE and in my right mind when I thought I’d be dead or locked away in an institution for the mentally insane!

I am surrounded by good, meaty, life-long friends that give more than they take; and that’s refreshing! I have been working which has kept my mind busy and brought some much-needed money into the house. I’ve even lost most of the baby weight, and I celebrated my sixth wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband!!

Life is ever so slowly moving forward, my relationship with Jesus has returned to what it once was…Heck, it may even be better than before because now I have captured a part of His grace I never knew existed!

I still miss my baby girl, Kiwi Hannah Harding every day!! Some days are more than others and some days the pain isn’t as bad but every day (come to find out) she is thought about and missed and loved by more than just me!! She was an answered prayer, a promise fulfilled, a long-awaited gift, and although I only had her for a little while, she was everything I had asked for!

So today on this fifth month of her being with Jesus, although my heart aches I’m deciding to trust in Jesus, look towards the future, and begin to live a little bit more of the life God has for me because Kiwi is more than okay she is with the only man who could love her more than her father and me: Jesus, and at the end of the day that’s all a mother could ask for and ever want!!

It’s finally here!

The day I have been waiting for since last May has finally arrived! After September, I thought it would take forever to get here. January came and the countdown began…My anniversary came and my husband and I had a great time. For a brief two-day moment we enjoyed ourselves as if for the last four months our lives haven’t been under major construction after crumbling right before our eyes so unexpectedly. Thank you to everyone who made a happy anniversary possible, I asked for prayers and they were answered.

Alas, it’s been a few days since my anniversary and now the day I was hoping would be a joyous occasion is just another day. However, it is now filled with a deep heartache and longing for what should have been my due date!

During this countdown my heart although healing, has very much been tortured:

  • To see the women who were pregnant a few weeks before me have their babies was a slap in the face.
  • Those who were pregnant a few weeks after me, well to see them surpass me and making final preparations before their baby comes is hurtful.
  • To see or hear about couples who haven’t been married as long as my husband and me find out their pregnant still has a gut wrenching punch.
  • But the real killer of my heart is seeing a newborn baby. It doesn’t matter whose baby it is or where we are; with every new-born baby I see I feel a physical ache in my heart and the breath is knocked out of me. I have to fight to stay standing.

Please don’t hear what I am not saying/writing… I am happy for those women. I have to remind myself all the time because what I’m looking at is their blessing and their story and it’s not mine to steal or be envious of. But it doesn’t mean I don’t hurt thinking about my baby Kiwi Hannah and the story that has been left unwritten concerning her life.

I am grateful to have made it this far. I am glad this day has finally come so that I can let go of another milestone I had been holding on too, and can continue to heal. This was the day I just wanted to get through and now it’s here and will be over soon… I know this pain will continue for quite some time but I also know that it will eventually begin to fade in the background and every emotion that I feel in between those two moments. God’s grace is sufficient enough to be able to handle them.

Thank you for your continued prayers they are very much appreciated.

10 Years Later

Today is my baby Cylis’ 10th Birthday!! Every year I reminisce on all the things that I never got to do with Cylis because he went to heaven too soon… but this year for the first time I’m happy that he’s there because that means that my baby Kiwi Hannah was greeted by him in heaven when she first got there and I’m sure they continue to hang out now!

I’m so incredibly sad. Words truly aren’t good enough to express the sorrow that I’m feeling today but knowing that my two babies are together in heaven puts a smile on my face through the tears and makes me a bit jealous that they get all the fun with Jesus and all I get is His still small voice.

Happy Birthday Cy!!! I loved you from the moment I knew you existed. Thank you for showing my baby Kiwi around heaven… I look forward to celebrating in heaven with you one day.

Four for Four

Today wasn’t so bad. I thought it would be horrendous. Today marks four months that my precious Kiwi Hannah has been gone. She lived four months and she’s been in heaven four months! Just the other day my husband mentioned that he was sad because I would be 8 months pregnant if Kiwi were still here… and all I could do was say yeah, I know huh…

I think the day passed quicker than normal because I have a job and spent most of my day listening to NPR and entering data into a spreadsheet. I then came home changed and then went to a friend’s house and worked out! It was definitely something I needed to do and I felt good getting into the game and working out even if my arms feel like they are going to fall off…

Me doing some weight training at my friends house (Thanks Tricia)

Me doing some weight training at my friend’s house (Thanks Tricia)

I miss my baby every day and some days I feel like everything just happened yesterday, the pain is so sharp and the colors so vivid. But I know that one day the colors of my pain will be in black and white.

My 2015 Theme

I have only started this “tradition” if you will, last year but I definitely love it and see myself finding my one word theme for years to come.

This years theme is BELIEVE! 

My life was shattered into a million pieces at the end of last year after accomplishing so many great things and now I need to begin to believe again… it’s as simple as that! As I believe my faith will begin to grow and my healing and restoration will come.

So what am I believing for? Everything!

I am believing for

  • babies
  • my marriage (I want to do a better job of putting William first)
  • our finances both for me to have a good job and for us to pay down debt
  • unity within my church as well as the growth of my church
  • the role I play in my church; its time for me to get back in the game
  • health that I can lose this weight
  • continued healthy healing from the lost of Kiwi

But most of all I am going to BELIEVE in God’s sovereignty!! He knows exactly what He is doing and the loss of Kiwi did not catch Him by surprise although I am sure that He is crying right along with me! I am choosing to believe the word that I keep getting: “God makes all things new” and I am continuing to believe that His grace is sufficient!

So here’s to 2015!! Right now may not seem like much but the best is yet to come and I will believe!

30 Before 30

Here it is finally… My 30 Before 30 List!!

I have exactly 6 months to accomplish my goals (my birthday is July 8th)!! I have already accomplished a few and am on my way to accomplishing a couple more within the next few weeks. They are in no particular order and I will try to post a blog with pictures when I have completed my future tasks…

  • Go to a wine tasting  (I did this with Val and Jessica in NC)

    It was just after we took this picture we found the wine tasting!! And it was so awesome!! I learned that I like muscadine wine and Duplin is a good brand as well as Rock of Ages!

    It was just after we took this picture we found the wine tasting!! And it was so awesome!! I learned that I like muscadine wine and Duplin is a good brand as well as Rock of Ages!

  • I want to go see an Indy Film (Saw Dear White People)

    We went to the Belcourt Theatre in Nashville to see this movie and it was so great!! If it comes out on DVD I'm getting it for sure!!

    We went to the Belcourt Theatre in Nashville to see this movie and it was so great!! If it comes out on DVD I’m getting it for sure!!

  • Go to a painting class (Painted Monet’s Water Lilies with Crystal)

    This is our finished product! It was so much fun and inexpensive thanks to a deal I found on Living Social!

    This is our finished product! It was so much fun and inexpensive thanks to a deal I found on Living Social!

  • I want to partake in a fancy dinner
  • I want to dress up in fancy clothes for said dinner
  • I want to have a Girls Night Out where we’re all dressed up
  • I want to rock a Body Con dress at some point
  • I want to dye my hair at some point
  • I want to complete a Pinterest Project that’s not food
  • I want to actually print pictures
  • I want to play a whole song with melody on the piano
  • I want to hold a conversation in Spanish
  • I want to pay off debt
  • I want to recreate an outfit with only thrifted clothes
  • I want to finish William’s Blanket
  • I want to paint more and actually learn techniques
  • I want to finish the Dance Ministry SOP I’m working on
  • I want to get a job that I like
  • I want to start a group for women
  • Book a speaking engagement
  • Go to a beach
  • Go to a new city
  • Become a thrifter
  • Go to networking events
  • Rent a house or cabin with friends
  • Step into what God has for me
  • Become a mentor
  • Go to North Carolina
  • Go to Ohio
  • Go to Texas

*My just because is to apply for a job out of country*

2014 in review

Thank you all for stopping by to show me some love!! I am honored that people in a total of 99 countries have read my blog!! It makes me a bit speechless to think about it! But Thanks again, and I’ll try and post a bit more regularly in the 2015!! Happy New Year to you all!

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 5,900 times in 2014. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 5 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.