Today is my birthday. It’s not a super special one, I’m just 31 but considering the state of the nation I am extremely happy and grateful to see this day!! I finally got my hair cut. Something I’ve wanted to do for a couple of years now and I had some friends over for a game night!! It really was a great day!! I had pizza and Patti Labelle’s pie for my cake along with a sour cream cake just in case we needed more. We chatted all night and it was so much fun!! I spent some good time with Jesus and my baby Kobi and had some good conversations with William. It was a great day!!
My heart is heavy. It’s been that way off and on for a while. Somedays I can’t even do anything but exist and pray for the strength to get through the day. I’m not talking about Kiwi Hannah although I miss her. I’m talking about the killing of unarmed black people going on all across the country! I haven’t seen a video since Tamir Rice because if I continued to watch every murder it just wouldn’t be good for my sanity.
After Sandra Bland was killed for a turn signal I was scared to drive, like I didn’t want to be in a car by myself. I made sure I followed all traffic laws I wouldn’t even go 5 over the speed limit for fear of being pulled over even though those around me were going at least 10 over the speed limit, but I knew that if they got pulled over it would just be a ticket and if I got pulled over it could be way more than that. The police department where I live has done a great job and has never given me a reason to doubt them but these days all it takes is one bad officer to end my life and change the life of my family forever.
I’m pretty sure that somewhere in the last few years I have begun to use my white husband’s privilege as a safety net unbeknownst to him. He doesn’t say anything special or demand certain treatment but alas his mere existence buys me another day of life! Now I know that he is not the giver of life and really Jesus is the one that has my days numbered but I have come to feel like when I’m with my husband I get a pass to live one more day!
That makes me sad because I know that my brothers, my sister, my cousin, my best friends and even my mom aren’t safe! They don’t have any white’s privilege readily available. And the fact that my husband’s skin color protects me makes me sick! He is supposed to be my protector yes, but he shouldn’t have to protect me from my skin color!
My daughter looks racially ambiguous now, but what will she look like when she’s older? I would hope it wouldn’t matter but somehow I know it still will matter when she’s older. How do I begin to form the words to explain to her why she will need to be a little more careful than her other friends when going out etc… I know I have some years to find the words but I’d much rather spend that time making memories with her instead of trying to explain the world we live in to her. I don’t want her to live in fear but she will be made aware of why things are the way they are.
It’s hard to continue to believe in our justice system when justice is the last thing to be served/given in past situations like Eric Garner and Freddie Gray amongst others. It’s hard to be a Christian who follows Jesus and balance all the feelings that flood my mind when another unarmed black person has died by the hands of a police officer. It’s so complicated. Because I always think that could have been me or someone I love! I am praying that in the Alton Sterling and now the Philando Castile cases justice will be served. I’m also praying for their families.
I am an educated black Christian woman and I am here to say that #blacklivesmatter! My life and the life of my family is not worth less than anyone else’s and it’s time people understood that! And of course all lives matter because the vast majority are still alive to keep telling us that so please spare me the comparisons.
I didn’t write this to start a fight or argue and I may or may not acknowledge comments. I wrote this to vent, to relieve the burden that is at times crushing, I did this to say that I am black and my life matters!
Thanks for reading and please continue to pray for the families of those who have been killed by the hands of police officers.
Kobi is five months today and it just so happened to be over the weekend when we travel to our friends home in Ohio for vacation. Kobi did excellent on the road and we only stopped 3 times. We’ve been to the zoo, saw fireworks and of course church! Kobi absolutely loved the fireworks and actually cried when they slowed down. She slept through most of the zoo, but we enjoyed it!
Kobi is teething, she weighs just over 12 pounds and is 22 inches long. She loves any type of music she loves to sleep and is sleeping through the night. She picks out her outfits by smiling for the one she wants to wear!! She still loves prayer before bed and she still does not like to be hungry but is becoming more patient when things take a little longer than usual. She is learning to roll over, she has found her fists and she loves to talk!
As much as I love Kobi and am so grateful that she is here, I still miss Kiwi! I thought that once Kobi was here those feelings of emptiness would dissipate but it’s almost like those feelings got stronger or went deeper. Kiwi would be two years old in September! Kobi’s first flight should have been a lot more hectic because we should have had an almost two year old toddler with us, instead it was pretty easy and people were really kind and forgiving and helpful!
Today I cried. I let myself miss Kiwi and I cried about it. And now I am listening to music that ministers to my soul while I attempt to get things done around the house! Today is not even a “significant date” so this overwhelming feeling of lost is almost unbearable because it’s so unexpected! It snuck up on me and made my eyes pool with tears. I had to explain to Kobi that I missed her sister but everything was okay. Kobi was crying earlier and I asked her if she was crying because she missed Kiwi too? William once said he thought Kobi cried sometimes because she couldn’t play with or be with Kiwi and ever since then, I’ve thought the same thing. It’s comforting and sad all at the same time!
I know I have something great to do on this earth but I’m more excited about eternity than ever before so that I can see Kiwi thriving and doing the work of her Father!! She passed away on this earth and went to work in eternity, the thought of her working hard and being full of joy and peace while doing what the Lord has appointed her to do makes me one proud mama!! I know the Lord is pleased with her and loves her and speaks with her and that is definitely something to be proud of!!
I’m stil sad. I’m still crying. But I’m alive to share what the Lord is doing in my life through all of this pain and this gaping hole in my heart that Kiwi took with her. The Lord is slowly filling that hole and I’m sure when I see her again my heart will finally be full and whole again.
Thanks for listening/reading/praying
Love 💫 Terri
Kobi is four months! It’s so hard to believe! I wanted to get her a cupcake so bad but I know she can’t eat it so there would be no point. I’ll just wait until she’s 6 months so she can at least try the frosting then!
Guys, she really is my little sunshine! She makes me happy every single day! She has truly captivated our hearts and we are excited about Kobi’s continued growth! Everyday she does something new that she didn’t do the day before.
I love her so much and I know her daddy feels the same way!
She is 11.2 pounds, which is her birth weight backwards! She recently found her thumb to suck on, she is starting to smile on a regular basis especially when her daddy comes home from work and holds her! She still loves to talk and is learning to lift her head up and keep it up during tummy time.
As a veteran I find Memorial Day to be a time to reflect on those soldiers who lost their lives during combat. I also see it as a time where soldiers can spend extra time with their families, which is so important especially when getting ready for deployments and long training cycles! It’s also a time where people get together and party, after all it’s usually a day where people don’t have to go to work.
I know someone who lost their life during combat and I know plenty of soldiers who lost someone they knew in combat as well. So as you are out celebrating today enjoy yourself but please remember the real reason for Memorial Day and while you are at it say a prayer for the families of those who lost their lives not just today but often! And if you see a soldier or know a soldier please don’t tell them Happy Memorial Day, because they could be grieving and reflecting on their fallen comrades, which isn’t at all happy!
If you want to thank a soldier go ahead but remember you can also thank them every other day of the year as well. There doesn’t need to be a special reason to say thank you!
It’s crazy how a technical difficulty can stop you in your tracks and then life gets in the way! I have a draft from 37 days ago which means I really haven’t blogged in about that long!! Maybe a little less but either way it’s been too long and I know there hasn’t been a video in forever because that’s where the difficulties came in! Lol!
Anyway life with Kobi has been amazing! I am really trying to work on balancing taking care of her needs and things around the house because I have failed horribly up until this point, but have really (as in the last few days) been determined to do more around the house. It’s been hard but I am really trying to do better and take some unnecessary burdens off of William. I am also working on finishing the Steven Furtick book Unqualified and I’ve been working on a few other things as well as trying to find the right job overseas for me to apply to so we can finally go live abroad!
I know it’s been a while since you got a Kobi update but she’s doing great! She’s a whole whopping ten pounds now!! She has found her hands and her tongue, is outgrowing her bassinet, is no longer in newborn clothes or diapers and she’s just getting so big! She shares more of her personality, is sleeping through the night and definitely lets us know when she’s hungry, she is starting to wear shoes and travels pretty well! I love her more and more everyday and I am so thankful I get to be her mommy!
Thanks for all the prayers and support!