8 Months and A Red Nose

I was so busy today I didn’t really have time to miss Kiwi in abundance like I’ve done in the past. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing or if that’s just the normal process of grief and life… but it was kind of weird to have to make myself remember that today was the anniversary of her birth… not that I had forgotten; trust me with every new month that starts I tend to zero in on the 21st and know what day of the week it’s gonna fall on and what I’ll have going on around that day… but grad school has changed that a bit for me… it’s a nice distraction from the pain.

go to www.rednoseday.org to donate. #Rednose25

go to http://www.rednoseday.org to donate. #Rednose25

Not only did I workout and attend a couple of graduations today I also participated in Red Nose Day to help end poverty! I heard about it a couple of weeks ago and purchased a red nose from Walgreens and posted my selfies today to raise awareness and money… so that was a great way to do something other than mourn the loss of my baby girl!! The healing that I feel is real… and it’s nice. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. It’s only been 8 months but I’m starting to feel a little bit more like my old self if that makes any sense.

Just before we left the car

My First Mother’s Day

I decided that I was going to celebrate Mother’s Day at the last-minute because I needed to acknowledge for myself that I too could celebrate this day… I took a suggestion from one of my Facebook friends and went to a park, spent the day there, did a balloon release, flew a kite, and we ended up going to Sonic where I opened my gifts. We decided that every year we are going to go to Sonic and open my gifts there lol… we don’t ever do anything regular so why should be start now!! I did get some workout gear and a pedicure too!!

Did I mention we did this all on Saturday because today was a work day at church for us? And it was all for the better because today absolutely sucked!! I cried more than I wanted to. My eyes are sore and feel bruised and I am exhausted. The day is done and I survived… with many tears and lots of prayers my first Mother’s Day is now behind me.

Thank you to everyone who wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and to those who prayed me through this day I pray that God blesses you in a new way for the love you showed me. Thank you all for your support and love.

Jesus, William, and Kiwi, thank you for making me a mom!!

This isn’t a dream…

…it’s my life! Oh how I wish this was a horrible dream. My life is improving in other areas so quickly but in the baby arena it is standing still… Wandering what happened and if any of the last year was real!! 

Next month will make a year since we found out we were even pregnant… A whole year since our journey into parenthood began… And yet here we are with Mother’s Day right around the corner and nothing physical to show for it… No baby to spend the day with… No little feet butterflies for me! 

I want my baby and instead all I’m left with is a picture and a heart shaped box that sits on my mantle. Why can’t this just be a dream? Please let this be a dream!!! 

I was doing okay but then something was said and it triggered the pain but atleast I can look at a pregnant woman or an infant and not feel the physical pain anymore… I go to sleep hoping the day I had without Kiwi Hannah will change when I wake up and everyday it is the same… She’s worshipping with Jesus and I’m here seeking His presence.

I Won Today!!

The pain is deep but NOT debilitating anymore. I wasn’t sad just more reflective today. I still have good days and bad days. Sad moments and happy moments. Last week was absolutely horrible; as if everything had just happened for the first time… but here we are 7 months after my baby Kiwi Hannah went to be with Jesus and there has been no tears or sadness.

I actually woke up in a great mood, read my Bible, went to work and had a great day, went to the park for lunch to walk around (it was an absolute gorgeous day today), came home spent sometime with a wonderful friend, worked out, made dinner and did laundry! Today was wonderful!

I think about my baby every day. But at the same time I am moving forward, making plans, listening to God, having fun, dreaming, and waiting for the day I will see her again face to face and be able to hold her!

As always, thanks for reading and for your encouraging words, prayers and support. Next month may be a totally different story but this month; THIS DAY I won!!

Praise Break!

Today I had a VA appointment and during that said appointment I realized just how good God has been to me!! I had to recall some pretty terrible things that happened to me growing up… and just the life I’ve lived in general. I won’t go into very much detail but looking back I’ve been molested several times from the ages of 5-13, had a bout of anorexia my first two years of high school, was raped at 16, suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts from ages 13-27… grew up to a single mother with a father who was in and out of jail my whole life… I should be a statistic, into drugs or worse… BUT GOD!!!

He kept me…through it all; regardless of everything that happened to me and I know that He will continue to keep me and has been keeping me through the lost of our daughter Kiwi!!

His love is real and He continues to show me how real it is every single day of my life!! It’s not just the big things it’s the small things! He’s made me new and given me a life I never thought possible to have. Please believe I praised Him all the way home!! I serve an awesome God. One who has loved me my whole life and given me beauty for ashes. Thank you Jesus for loving me and continuing to strengthen me.


Refresh Vox Box


This is a bit late but better late than never right? Plus you can get these items at anytime so it’s totally okay. 

I got a whole bunch of awesome FREE goodies from my last Influenster box and I want to share what I thought with you…
First up is the Beanitos Chips!! I had 2 different flavors I got to try the Nacho cheese and the Restaurant Tortilla chips and they were both amazing!! Full of flavor and super healthy!! They run about $3.49 which is a little steep but they are non GMO certified organic, gluten-free and certified kosher… For all the healthy benefits I think its worth it!!
Next we have the cover girl Ultra Smooth Foundation! I absolutely loved the packaging!! It was convenient to open and came with an applicator!! The color wasn’t exactly correct so I ended up using it as a concealer. It’s suppose to give you a flawless look while hiding tiny hairs that we ALL have on our faces… For the price it’s between $12.99-16.99 I think it’s not a bad deal… I did like the way it went on, it was super smooth and light!
This next goodie had me a little skeptical… But turned out to be a gym hidden in a tiny container! It’s the L’occitane Shea Butter Light Comforting Cream. As described it truly is non-greasy which is always hard to find and it actually works!! Not only did it help my SUPER dry skin but it also kept my skin moist for the entire day! The ONLY thing I don’t like about this product is the amount you get for the money you pay!! It’s $5 for an 8ml container!

size comparison!! I’m NOT paying $5 for this!!

I’m not even gonna lie, I didn’t try the Orgain Certified Organic Nutritional Shakes! We received a couple of coupons to try them but they are not my thing at all so I plan on giving/gifting them to my friends who are into that sort of thing. The shakes themselves run between three and four dollars and they gave us a coupon to try one for free and then another coupon for a dollar off…
At $1.49 the Montagne Jeunesse Face Masques aren’t bad at all! I’ve tried this brand before and wasn’t disappointed. I’ll definitely be enjoying this!
Probably the thing I loved the most besides the aforementioned chips was the Skinnygirl Tasty Nutrition Bars!! They were gluten-free low-calorie and tasted yummy!! Like really good and not at all like most gluten-free things I’ve tasted that make me want to immediately spit it out!! No, this is a total winner and I was sad when it was gone!

I ate the bar before taking a picture so this image is from skinnygirldaily.com

I also received Listerine Pocketpaks and loved the convenience of them. It dissolves so much quicker than a regular mint and lasts just as long of not longer. Let me tell you when you’re at the altar praying for people it can get a bit tricky to maneuver a mint that hasn’t yet dissolved, so this may just be my new best friend. At $1.40 the price is pretty comparable to the mints I already get… The only downside is how small the package is. It totally gets lost in my purse because I don’t always have pockets to put them in. 

I also got some DenTek Comfort Clean Floss Picks which were super awesome and convenient. I keep them in my purse and love the fact that I don’t have to wait until I get home to get a stubborn piece of food out. At $1.39 for a pack of 30 it’s totally worth it. They also gave me a sample of some of the flavored kid flossers you can find them at a store near you, they can run anywhere between $2.19- $3.39 for a pack of 75.
Overall I was very happy with my Refresh Vox Box and would highly recommend everything I tried!! And as always please note that these products were given to me for testing purposes and the opinions are all my own. If you’ve never checked Influenster out be sure and do that.

Six months later 

Today marks six whole months that I’ve been without Kiwi. I’m further along then I ever thought possible especially in the beginning… Of course I’m not at 100% and I think a part of me will always ache for my baby but I’m not where I use to be!! I can smile, laugh and enjoy my surroundings without feeling like, “I’m supposed to be sad.”

Kiwi’s father and I actually went up to North Carolina in the Smokey Mountains to celebrate my best friend’s 30th birthday. It was a last minute road trip and it was so fantastic to get away and relax! We shared a little bit about Kiwi and the time we had with her, the mood wasn’t too somber I was surrounded by good friends, the love of my life, and near perfect weather!!

God is definitely doing something in my life in this new season and I know that what I’m going through concerning the loss of my daughter has a lot to do with it!!
The pain that I’ve felt is unlike any other and in a weird way it has made me stronger which, I figure is the kind of strength I’ll need to pursue the plans God has for me, whole heartedly and full of faith knowing that I will survive it all!
Thank you for the continuous love, support, encouragement and prayers!! William and I know that we wouldn’t have made it to this point without you and our God!!