Last night was a win for me… I didn’t cry myself to sleep! I don’t know what tonight will bring but I do know that I will be enjoying a piece of cheesecake (thanks Rachel)! I had a mini breakthrough and it brought about some peace. It gave me the strength I needed to make it another day.
I feel like I’m in this deep fog and when I break out of it my baby will be growing safely in my belly until my due date. But instead I know this isn’t a dream, it’s my life, my new reality and new normal… and my baby is dancing and worshiping Jesus in heaven. It doesn’t get any better than that I know but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be selfish and have her here with us.
It will get better eventually, and I know that when I get to heaven she’ll be waiting for me but for now it still hurts and my heart is overloaded with grief my mind is both fast and slow dead and alive… all these feelings and thoughts are running me ragged and all I really want to do is run away and start a new life with my husband on some small island or in an even smaller town.
I know that is not realistic at all and only something people do in movies or maybe if they have a lot of money which we don’t have… so for now especially in the days ahead I am learning to take things moment by moment because nothing will ever be the same again…