Where to go from here?

This month is over! There was so much stuff going on I really don’t know what my focus should be for the coming month. Trying to find the balance between work and life has been unattainable and will probably remain as such forever, but my goal is to be at least 60/40 at any given moment. Therapy is still much needed. I actually had fun doing our budget and keeping track of what was going on with our money at any given moment. It actually brought about a freedom I don’t think I’ve felt in a long time when it comes to money. It would be nice to add another date night into the budget as well as a few other line items. I want to start running again, and continue to be mindful of what I put into my body mainly dairy and processed sugars. I want to get to bed at a decent time again, instead of past midnight. I really want to refocus and readjust my goals going into the last 3 months of the year and I want to continue to go deep with Jesus and His word. I didn’t really narrow anything down, but I do know that I feel much better about going into this new month with a fresh perspective and newly outfitted goals! Thanks again for your support and encouragement!

Hard Reset

Today was just that for me. A hard reset. There were things that needed to be done, but mentally I couldn’t do it. I was exhausted. So instead I played with Kobi, I made baked mac n cheese I actually went to several events we were invited too, and I ate good food and just spent time to reset my soul.

I spent time with God asked Him some questions I needed to ask Him and just let myself feel the range of emotions that is my life. I feel so much better than I did when I woke up.

This picture doesn’t look like much but capturing this moment let me see how much I needed to just be here and not be consumed with things I cannot control.

Take Notice

This morning I saw the sun’s rays shining from behind a cloud and it was so beautiful. I snapped a few pictures to remember it. It just reminded me of simpler times before kids, before Miami, before work became all consuming, when I would see God in everything at any given moment.

I talk to God at any given moment, and pray just as much but I don’t always take notice of the beautiful things in front of me. So this sweet cloud covered sun was a wonderful reminder to take an extra minute or two and to see what the Lord is doing and to just take a breath and enjoy what’s around me.

This afternoon I did this by letting Kobi pick up a rock and hold on to it all throughout the grocery store. She ended up giving it to the cashier (who tried to give it back) and the cashier was so excited to have received something just because from her, I heard her tell her coworker as we were leaving and I could hear the joy in her voice. Any other time and I would have missed that moment but today I got to see it and it was a nice change of pace.

The First Day of School

My Dearest Katherine,

Today was your first day of school! It’s pre-K 3 but you have a school uniform, so I’m counting it as your first day. You looked so big and grown and when I asked you what your favorite part was you said, “all of it!”

I was so sad all day because I know that today was the first step of many you will take further away from me and closer into the grown up Kobi you are suppose to be. The last time I asked you, (just a few days ago) you said you wanted to be a helicopter pilot when you grow up. You also have a wonderful imagination and have kept your father and I scratching our heads with some of the stuff you’ve said. You’re already reading books on your own, and tonight when we baked cookies, you didn’t need the chair to stand on, just standing on the step stool was enough.

You are growing and changing and I know it’s inevitable, but I also want to savor each moment, each memory we make together. You are going to change the world! You are strong, you are smart, you are kind, you are valued, you are funny, you are loved, loved, loved!

My prayer for you today and always is that you will always love going to school, that you would continue to love Jesus and shine His light wherever you go! That you would make friends but be okay with knowing that everyone won’t like you. I pray that you chase your dreams, and that you remember you are loved unconditionally, win, lose, success, failure. Keep trying, keep getting back up, always finish what you start. It won’t always be easy but it will be worth it!

Happy First Day of School my love!! I know you are going to learn so much, and I promise to try and learn with you and encourage you to continue to learn even when it means surpassing my knowledge! You were created to be great!

~Love Mom~

To my Knight in shining armor on our anniversary

Dear Knight-in-shining-armor,

It’s been ten years. Life has been hard. The armor is a bit banged up from all the elements of this adventure we have lived together. It’s clunky, rusted, and hard to move around in. Even so, you still polish it and keep donning that heavy suit for me, making sure I feel our happily-ever-after hasn’t completely died.

It’s been ten years. The weight of the armor has been an unnecessary burden on you just because I liked the way it looked. It’s not realistic and I’m sorry I’ve made you carry that weight around all these years. For a girl who hates Disney I sure did fall for their lie…

Nevertheless I have seen the error and the damage I have done and on the day that we celebrate our love of being married. I would like to release you, to tell you to TAKE OFF THE ARMOR and go and get top dollar at the junk yard for the scraps so no other man can fall into that lie.

See the problem with you being a knight was that you were never really allowed to rest. You were always in a fight, and you served me no matter the situation and probably worst of all, you were never allowed to make a mistake. The only person who was ever that perfect was Jesus and yet that same standard was tossed upon you and polished so brightly it blinded me.

It’s only by God’s goodness and glory that we’ve come this far because I’ve had it all wrong this whole time. I’ve been walking around so blinded by the pristine shine from your armor that I couldn’t see you, and it’s just now that I am starting to see and believe the “you” you have become. You need to be in a position where you rest, where your decisions are valued, where you don’t have to be in a fight all the time, where you can be seen and where you can make mistakes knowing full well they are allowed and we can work through them together. If I’m suppose to be your helpmate, why can’t I help solve the problems instead of making you feel like they are all your fault even when they are out of your control?

Today we are ten years in… it’s been a hard ten years it feels like we’ve lived several different lives in that time. And although I feel like I’m starting from the beginning, I’m excited because I know that there are no filters, no light blindness, just you in your rawest form and I get to see you, to hear you, to watch you stretch out and become the man you were always meant to be.

I’m sorry for the things I did, the things I didn’t do, the things I said or didn’t say when I was walking around blinded by the armor I made you wear. I have repented for the damages I have caused our family and I am asking your forgiveness today so that we can start this next decade on the same page of realistic expectations, hopes, and dreams together. Happy Anniversary, my love. Thank you for loving me so faithfully and so unconditionally all these years.