A Letter To My Daughter: 4 Years at home

Kobi: four years apart

My Dearest Katherine: Today marks THE DAY you came home from the hospital after you stayed in the NICU for two months four years ago… that was a mouth full, that’s for sure.

It may not seem like a huge day, but in retrospect, it’s everything to me! This was the day that we finally got to take you home and start living life fully and completely, and today, four years later, you have already surpassed my wildest dreams!

Right now, you can read and write, and your storytelling abilities are fantastic. You are a great athlete (soccer and pseudo volleyball). You are super into drawing, and you are beginning to help out around the house more by making your lunch and folding laundry. You care about people genuinely and are very emotional, and you’ve got a funny way of calling me bro and dude in casual conversation.

Simply put. Kid, you’re fantastic!

Today we did school work: we worked on odd and even numbers, and you memorized Deuteronomy 31:8, which says

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you. He will not leave you or abandon you. Do not be afraid or discouraged.

Kobi’s memory verse written out

We also played outside for a little bit, and we got to pray with Mr. Red and Mr. Leo, who are essential personnel during this COVID-19 situation. You blew them bubbles and wished them a happy, almost April! We told stories together using your story cards, and you picked what you wanted for dinner.

You’ve changed so much in four years, and even though I’m sad that you will never be this young again, I am so excited to see where you will go and how much more you will grow with each passing year! I love you, Kobi, and I hope you always remember you can always come home.

Kobi, my love, I simply wanted to say thank you for being your beautiful sweet self and always remember that I love you.

Love mom

My Soul Is Tired

I’m tired. I’m not just the usual tired because of daylight savings or because I have spent several hours in the car commuting. No, it’s a different kind of tired, one I haven’t experienced too many times in the past but enough to known something isn’t right.

I contacted my therapist, I ate the chocolate, I drank the wine, and I will end my night by reading the Bible.

I feel like a weight is on my chest, and I’m drowning. My heart is just so heavy. I can’t make sense of things. I know it’s not supposed to be like this, but trying to wait for the relief isn’t fun either.

I just needed to vent to get it out in hopes that I will feel better. Maybe a good night’s sleep will refresh my soul after reading the Bible.

What did you give up for Lent?

Our first celebration of Lent.

This whole season of Lent is new to me. This is only my second year of participating in it, up until last year I only knew about it because my friends would be giving stuff up, but it never went any deeper than that. I guess I never asked them to explain it; I just took it for what it was.

In this current season, I find myself in, and I know Jesus wants me to really dig in deep and only be desperate for His face! So I find this moment to abstain from something even bigger because I know that it contains the moments for me to seek His face, to reflect on His great sacrifice, to say thank you, and to hear Him in new and hidden ways.

So what exactly will I be giving up? Well, I’m giving up one food-related item and one life-related item. Dairy and complaining! I don’t want to be so rigid that I’m checking labels for the hidden milk ingredient. But rather be mindful to eat things without cheese and milk, like salads and quesadillas and ice cream.

I also realized that I complain way too much. At least outwardly. I know that I am grateful to God, and I thank Him often, but I also know that I do that in my alone time with Him. I’m not so sure that the people around me are aware of my gratefulness because what they hear is the complaints… so that’s what I am giving up in this season, and hopefully, it will become a lifetime exercise in gratitude and thanksgiving.

I hope to grow closer to Jesus and to take responsibility for parts of my life that don’t correctly reflect His goodness to those around me. As well as take responsibility for my body and help it to function at its best.

To those that have only heard my complaints and never my gratitude, I apologize, and I am asking for your forgiveness because the God I serve is indeed a good God who only wants the best for me and you, but how would you ever know it if I never told you?!

So, what are you giving up for Lent? Have you ever participated in Lent? What are some things you’ve given up in the past?

Where to go from here?

This month is over! There was so much stuff going on I really don’t know what my focus should be for the coming month. Trying to find the balance between work and life has been unattainable and will probably remain as such forever, but my goal is to be at least 60/40 at any given moment. Therapy is still much needed. I actually had fun doing our budget and keeping track of what was going on with our money at any given moment. It actually brought about a freedom I don’t think I’ve felt in a long time when it comes to money. It would be nice to add another date night into the budget as well as a few other line items. I want to start running again, and continue to be mindful of what I put into my body mainly dairy and processed sugars. I want to get to bed at a decent time again, instead of past midnight. I really want to refocus and readjust my goals going into the last 3 months of the year and I want to continue to go deep with Jesus and His word. I didn’t really narrow anything down, but I do know that I feel much better about going into this new month with a fresh perspective and newly outfitted goals! Thanks again for your support and encouragement!

Hard Reset

Today was just that for me. A hard reset. There were things that needed to be done, but mentally I couldn’t do it. I was exhausted. So instead I played with Kobi, I made baked mac n cheese I actually went to several events we were invited too, and I ate good food and just spent time to reset my soul.

I spent time with God asked Him some questions I needed to ask Him and just let myself feel the range of emotions that is my life. I feel so much better than I did when I woke up.

This picture doesn’t look like much but capturing this moment let me see how much I needed to just be here and not be consumed with things I cannot control.