8 Months and A Red Nose

I was so busy today I didn’t really have time to miss Kiwi in abundance like I’ve done in the past. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing or if that’s just the normal process of grief and life… but it was kind of weird to have to make myself remember that today was the anniversary of her birth… not that I had forgotten; trust me with every new month that starts I tend to zero in on the 21st and know what day of the week it’s gonna fall on and what I’ll have going on around that day… but grad school has changed that a bit for me… it’s a nice distraction from the pain.

go to www.rednoseday.org to donate. #Rednose25
go to http://www.rednoseday.org to donate. #Rednose25

Not only did I workout and attend a couple of graduations today I also participated in Red Nose Day to help end poverty! I heard about it a couple of weeks ago and purchased a red nose from Walgreens and posted my selfies today to raise awareness and money… so that was a great way to do something other than mourn the loss of my baby girl!! The healing that I feel is real… and it’s nice. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. It’s only been 8 months but I’m starting to feel a little bit more like my old self if that makes any sense.

I Won Today!!

The pain is deep but NOT debilitating anymore. I wasn’t sad just more reflective today. I still have good days and bad days. Sad moments and happy moments. Last week was absolutely horrible; as if everything had just happened for the first time… but here we are 7 months after my baby Kiwi Hannah went to be with Jesus and there has been no tears or sadness.

I actually woke up in a great mood, read my Bible, went to work and had a great day, went to the park for lunch to walk around (it was an absolute gorgeous day today), came home spent sometime with a wonderful friend, worked out, made dinner and did laundry! Today was wonderful!

I think about my baby every day. But at the same time I am moving forward, making plans, listening to God, having fun, dreaming, and waiting for the day I will see her again face to face and be able to hold her!

As always, thanks for reading and for your encouraging words, prayers and support. Next month may be a totally different story but this month; THIS DAY I won!!

The Past Five Months

The past five months have been utterly incomprehensible! I’ve never known a pain so deep, so raw, one that bleeds at the sight of a newborn baby, pregnant lady, or baby clothes (did I mention I am constantly surrounded by all three).

And yet, here I am; ALIVE and in my right mind when I thought I’d be dead or locked away in an institution for the mentally insane!

I am surrounded by good, meaty, life-long friends that give more than they take; and that’s refreshing! I have been working which has kept my mind busy and brought some much-needed money into the house. I’ve even lost most of the baby weight, and I celebrated my sixth wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband!!

Life is ever so slowly moving forward, my relationship with Jesus has returned to what it once was…Heck, it may even be better than before because now I have captured a part of His grace I never knew existed!

I still miss my baby girl, Kiwi Hannah Harding every day!! Some days are more than others and some days the pain isn’t as bad but every day (come to find out) she is thought about and missed and loved by more than just me!! She was an answered prayer, a promise fulfilled, a long-awaited gift, and although I only had her for a little while, she was everything I had asked for!

So today on this fifth month of her being with Jesus, although my heart aches I’m deciding to trust in Jesus, look towards the future, and begin to live a little bit more of the life God has for me because Kiwi is more than okay she is with the only man who could love her more than her father and me: Jesus, and at the end of the day that’s all a mother could ask for and ever want!!

It’s finally here!

The day I have been waiting for since last May has finally arrived! After September, I thought it would take foreverĀ to get here. January came and the countdown began…My anniversary came and my husband and I had a great time. For a brief two-day moment we enjoyed ourselves as if for the last four months our lives haven’t been under major construction after crumbling right before our eyes so unexpectedly. Thank you to everyone who made a happy anniversary possible, I asked for prayers and they were answered.

Alas, it’s been a few days since my anniversary and now the day I was hoping would be a joyous occasion is just another day. However, it is now filled with a deep heartache and longing for what should have been my due date!

During this countdown my heart although healing, has very much been tortured:

  • To see the women who were pregnant a few weeks before me have their babies was a slap in the face.
  • Those who were pregnant a few weeks after me, well to see them surpass me and making final preparations before their baby comes is hurtful.
  • To see or hear about couples who haven’t been married as long as my husband and me find out their pregnant still has a gut wrenching punch.
  • But the real killer of my heart is seeing a newborn baby. It doesn’t matter whose baby it is or where we are; with every new-born baby I see I feel a physical ache in my heart and the breath is knocked out of me. I have to fight to stay standing.

Please don’t hear what I am not saying/writing… I am happy for those women. I have to remind myself all the time because what I’m looking at is their blessing and their story and it’s not mine to steal or be envious of. But it doesn’t mean I don’t hurt thinking about my baby Kiwi Hannah and the story that has been left unwritten concerning her life.

I am grateful to have made it this far. I am glad this day has finally come so that I can let go of another milestone I had been holding on too, and can continue to heal. This was the day I just wanted to get through and now it’s here and will be over soon… I know this pain will continue for quite some time but I also know that it will eventually begin to fade in the background and every emotion that I feel in between those two moments. God’s grace is sufficient enough to be able to handle them.

Thank you for your continued prayers they are very much appreciated.

I’m Thankful For Today

My day will officially start when I get to work, well at least in my mind it will. But regardless I am thankful that I am here today. There’s no special occasion that has happened on this day many years ago, no instead I am just thankful to be writing this blog, to be breathing this air, to feel the pain from playing volleyball a few days ago and for everything that I’ve already learned from today just by being here! There’s so much more still ahead for me to do today and I am excited for the chance to experience it all! I pray that your day is full of wonderful experiences especially the small things like a hug from a friend, a sunset, a raindrop or two, seeing a bird soar through the air… because it’s those little things that make up our big day and we should be thankful for each of them.

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