After a pain so deep I thought it would kill me, I found new life! When Kiwi took her last few breaths on this side of heaven it completely ruined me. The anguish I felt was unlike anything I’d ever felt before, and am in no hurry to feel again. It was a struggle just to breathe, let alone eat or get out of bed! I won’t say sleep, for once I did fall asleep I slept to pass the day. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore, it was one of those gut wrenching cries that you feel in the pit of your stomach!
At some point, about 3 months later I decided that it was time to do something, so I found work to keep my mind busy, then decided it was time to go to grad school and a year to the day of Kiwi’s first birthday, I found out I was pregnant with her little sister, Kobi! Although, there was a new life to grow, I was petrified. The saga that was bedrest began, grad school got put on hold, and I did absolutely everything I could to keep Kobi growing. However, little miss Kobi decided she wanted to come closer to her sister’s original due date and made her appearance in February! We finally had a baby on this side of heaven to take care of, and to love!!
Time in the NICU made things go very slowly at first, days began to run together, and I couldn’t wait until William got off so we could go for our visits. All I ever wanted to do was be with our new baby! We were able to finally bring her home and things began to pick up! I spent all my time with her, went back to grad school, and stayed home with her as long as we could afford to.
Kobi grew and grew and grew some more!! Her first birthday came and we celebrated her life and all that God has planned for her! It truly was a joyous occasion. We have often joked that we got to celebrate keeping her alive, cause it really is a huge accomplishment, but now as she is beginning to walk, and her personality is beginning to show itself, and she’s becoming more independent, I see that she has kept ME alive!
She has given me a new life! One full of joy and frustration and gratefulness even at two in the morning! Kobi literally makes me feel better just by holding her, and she gives me the energy and “want to” that I need to get stuff done. I want her to see a positive example of what marriage is like. I want to make sure that she is taken care of, not just now but when we (her parents) are long gone! I want her to know the voice of Jesus, the love of God and the comfort and teachings of the Holy Spirit. I want her to know that her prayers are heard and answered according to His will! I want her to love people, travel and good food! I want her to know that her father and I are a safe place and I want to show her unconditional love. It’s that want I have for her that keeps me alive and has given me a new life!
People have always said, “a baby changes everything” and they are absolutely right, but I think most people focus on the long nights, the dirty diapers, the privacy issues, and the overall change in schedules. They never talk about the joy you feel at each milestone accomplished, even if it is just pooping, or getting a full nights sleep. Or better yet, the cooing, and the smiles. That clapping and the laughing. My favorite thing to do is to watch Kobi try to figure out how something works! I can see the wonder and curiosity in her eyes and it’s such a wonderful feeling. I love teaching her new things and finding moments to just love on her, and seeing her play with her daddy, consistently melts my heart because she adores him!! Those are the things that have made the changes so worth it!
This new life is not quite what I expected but I am loving every moment of it and am so grateful to have each and every experience to learn and continue to grow.