A loss unlike any other

Blue and Pink Bracelet
My bracelet that lets me embrace Kiwi just a little

Today I dug out my bracelet, I just had to wear it today. At first I didn’t know why, at the time it played right into my outfit: a black dress a pink cami underneath and my blue glasses. I was wearing the colors for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month so of course my bracelet with the same colors and Kiwi’s name just had to be worn today! At some point I realized that today was the day of remembrance for those that have loss children, and I felt like it was subconsciously Kiwi’s way of saying remember me! 

I’ve lost friends and grandparents before, but losing my child was so different, so unexpected, the pain was so deep I thought I would drown. Everything I ever imagined for my daughter was gone in an instant. There would be no long life lived… and instead I would feel like I’ve lived long enough, just so that I could meet her! Of course I held her, but it wasn’t long enough. I saw her breathing, but that wasn’t long enough. 

My baby Kiwi is gone, and it sucks! 

I’m happy for this day and this month because it forces me to grieve instead of setting my feelings aside and being strong for the other areas of my life. It gives me an excuse to cry without explanation, and to really feel the tug on my heart, it also allows me to see Kiwi in different moments, be it a solitary bird flying over head, or a rainbow, those moments are sweet and I know they are her way of saying hello until we meet face to face and can embrace. 

Today, the rest of this month and every other day please remember those that have experienced a loss unlike any other! You won’t always see their pain but know that it’s there and they need prayer and support and acknowledgement. 

Happy Big Sister Day!

Today Kiwi Hannah would have been three years old! So we slept in, had pancakes, took naps, played and played and played in an indoor play room, Had waaaay tooo many sweets, and just enjoyed today! We really celebrated Kiwi’s life, her memory and did things we thought she would have liked. 

A family snuggling
Enjoying some snuggle time.

We were also blessed with pumpkin scones from a dear friend who lives thousands of miles a way… When everything happened with Kiwi, and I was finally home, these scones appeared on our door one day with a note, it wasn’t until over a year later by happenstance that I finally realized who they had come from and was blown away and completely shocked it took me that long to find out, so when the same scones showed up on my doorstep with a similar note I cried for the first and only time today! I felt like the Lord remembered me and remembered my baby… it’s silly because how could he forget her, she’s with Him all the time, but it still just spoke directly to my heart, and I cried happy tears.

I also received just enough text messages/other messages that wished Kiwi a Happy Birthday that made me grateful for family and friends! Leading up today I was a mess, but we really did just enjoy playing hooky from work and taking Kobi out for some fun!! 
I miss Kiwi every day, but I am so grateful to God who gave us the time we had together and then gave us the creativity and healing enough to come up with Big Sister Day! 

Life Since Graduation

Exactly a month a go today I graduated with my Master’s in Communications from Austin Peay State University. I never wrote anything on the blog on that particular day because I was too busy enjoying my family and friends! Now, a month later I have so much free time, it’s incredible! 

I love being able to cook dinner and not feel rushed, I can let Kobi come up and ask to read her a book at anytime, and actually read it more than once, because I have time! I love running errands with her, and playing with her outside! It’s been great to be able to do laundry the same day, and help clean the kitchen and not just Kobi’s botttles. I love having time to go on date nights with William and really enjoy our time and it not be rushed because I have homework due the next day or chapters to read! I mean we just went on a family vacation to the beach and did absolutely nothing, because we needed a break and it was marvelous!! 

Life since graduation has been absolutely wonderful! It’s still hard, and I’m still tired, but now it’s because I stayed up too late watching the movie Matilda ( true story) and not because I was finishing a paper or submitting a quiz! Y’all freedom feels good! Thank you for all your prayers and support while I was in school, I’m grateful and glad to be done! 

A New Life

After a pain so deep I thought it would kill me, I found new life! When Kiwi took her last few breaths on this side of heaven it completely ruined me. The anguish I felt was unlike anything I’d ever felt before, and am in no hurry to feel again. It was a struggle just to breathe, let alone eat or get out of bed! I won’t say sleep, for once I did fall asleep I slept to pass the day. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore, it was one of those gut wrenching cries that you feel in the pit of your stomach! 

At some point, about 3 months later I decided that it was time to do something, so I found work  to keep my mind busy, then decided it was time to go to grad school and a year to the day of Kiwi’s first birthday, I found out I was pregnant with her little sister, Kobi! Although, there was a new life to grow, I was petrified. The saga that was bedrest began, grad school got put on hold,  and I did absolutely everything I could to keep Kobi growing. However, little miss Kobi decided she wanted to come closer to her sister’s original due date and made her appearance in February! We finally had a baby on this side of heaven to take care of, and to love!!

Time in the NICU made things go very slowly at first, days began to run together, and I couldn’t wait until William got off so we could go for our visits. All I ever wanted to do was be with our new baby! We were able to finally bring her home and things began to pick up! I spent all my time with her, went back to grad school, and stayed home with her as long as we could afford to. 

Kobi grew and grew and grew some more!! Her first birthday came and we celebrated her life and all that God has planned for her! It truly was a joyous occasion. We have often joked that we got to celebrate keeping her alive, cause it really is a huge accomplishment, but now as she is beginning to walk, and her personality is beginning to show itself, and she’s becoming more independent, I see that she has kept ME alive! 

She has given me a new life! One full of joy and frustration and gratefulness even at two in the morning! Kobi literally makes me feel better just by holding her, and she gives me the energy and “want to” that I need to get stuff done.  I want her to see a positive example of what marriage is like. I want to make sure that she is taken care of, not just now but when we (her parents) are long gone! I want her to know the voice of Jesus, the love of God and the comfort and teachings of the Holy Spirit. I want her to know that her prayers are heard and answered according to His will! I want her to love people, travel and good food! I want her to know that her father and I are a safe place and I want to show her unconditional love. It’s that want I have for her that keeps me alive and has given me a new life! 

People have always said, “a baby changes everything” and they are absolutely right, but I think most people focus on the long nights, the dirty diapers, the privacy issues, and the overall change in schedules. They never talk about the joy you feel at each milestone accomplished, even if it is just pooping, or getting a full nights sleep. Or better yet, the cooing, and the smiles. That clapping and the laughing. My favorite thing to do is to watch Kobi try to figure out how something works! I can see the wonder and curiosity in her eyes and it’s such a wonderful feeling. I love teaching her new things and finding moments to just love on her, and seeing her play with her daddy, consistently melts my heart because she adores him!! Those are the things that have made the changes so worth it!

This new life is not quite what I expected but I am loving every moment of it and am so grateful to have each and every experience to learn and continue to grow.

On This Day

At this very moment, I had a few words with Cookie as the music started to play and everyone began walking in to take their places on the stage and I couldn’t stop crying because I couldn’t believe that I was finally getting married and having a real wedding to boot! Getting married was something I had always dreamed about but never really saw it modeled, so I didn’t think it was possible, but then I met Jesus and He gave me the desires of my heart as I walked in to the room and professsed my love for you in front of our closest friends and family.  The ceremony ended with our first kiss, but that was just the beginning! We danced, I fell, we visited with our friends, we ate a little, and we helped clean up too, we celebrated becoming one and I am so grateful to you for making me your wife! 

On This Day

8 years later, William, I want to say thank you for loving me, and for fighting for our marriage! Thank you for being the best husband you know how to be and for your continued efforts to be even better! We have been through so much in these eight years and yet I still feel like I  have barely scratched the surface to your heart. William, you are an amazing, complicated, sensitive man and I promise to always put in the effort it takes to love you better and love you just the way you are! I love you today and always and am truly honored to be your wife!! Happy Anniversary my love!! I am glad to be on this grand Jesus adventure with you!!