This morning I saw the sun’s rays shining from behind a cloud and it was so beautiful. I snapped a few pictures to remember it. It just reminded me of simpler times before kids, before Miami, before work became all consuming, when I would see God in everything at any given moment.
I talk to God at any given moment, and pray just as much but I don’t always take notice of the beautiful things in front of me. So this sweet cloud covered sun was a wonderful reminder to take an extra minute or two and to see what the Lord is doing and to just take a breath and enjoy what’s around me.
This afternoon I did this by letting Kobi pick up a rock and hold on to it all throughout the grocery store. She ended up giving it to the cashier (who tried to give it back) and the cashier was so excited to have received something just because from her, I heard her tell her coworker as we were leaving and I could hear the joy in her voice. Any other time and I would have missed that moment but today I got to see it and it was a nice change of pace.
Tonight I went on a run with Kobi, and a few women from MOPS and church that I met. It was the first time I’ve run outside/with others since I left Oregon and it felt so good! Not to mention I was so proud of Kobi who ran most of the way and l only stopped a couple of times and even then it wasn’t that long.
It was her first time running for fun and it was my first time being brave enough to run with her as a form of exercise and not just a quick race. I’m proud of me too. I didn’t want to go because I’m so tired and I had already gotten a workout in earlier in the day and it was dark and Bill wasn’t home yet, but I stuck to my word and showed up and I had a great time! I’m excited to see how we improve as we continue to show up!
I got home and checked my Facebook memories and found this picture from four years ago:
I realized looking at this memory that I had just found out I was pregnant with Kobi in this picture and so “we” ran this fun run way back then and we just so happened to run together again tonight!
What a cool little memory. I am so happy that I showed up and fought through the sleepy whiny kid and my excuses because I love when things line up like this and Jesus knew that, and did I mention I actually had fun and don’t feel horrible after running?!
I am excited to see where this running thing takes us, as individuals and as running buddies. As I watched her run and love winning and struggle when our friends left us, I realized that she had no clue how well she’d actually done and how if we keep running she’ll get it and she’ll only get better.
Then I realized as I was talking to my dad that if I could have believed in myself when I ran track as much as I believe in myself now I would have been an even greater force!! I didn’t know then that I could run more than a lap back then. As I grew older I saw glimpses of it and obviously I learned how (while I was in the Army) to run longer distances but I never enjoyed it, until now.
So here I go, again. It took me a minute to get here but hopefully with Kobi’s help I’ll stick around a little longer.
There were many people who reached out, who called, who made sure to say hello when they saw me on Sunday. There are many people who prayed for me throughout this past week and there are an innumerable amount of people who have supported me and kept me over the years! So, with everything that I am, I just want to say THANK YOU! I know I wouldn’t be here without each of you and I don’t take it for granted.
Today, I felt so much better. There was still some residuals in the atmosphere where we had a few rough moments but all in all, we got it together and even ended up having a game night of sorts, which was only half fun (because I hate scrabble) but I loved the time we spent together! People at church told me that they were thankful that I shared my story and told Kiwi Happy Birthday, and a dear friend whom I treasure immensely told me that she had a cupcake for Kiwi yesterday in honor of her birthday!
Y’all to know that my baby was/is remembered by others blesses and continues to heal my heart! Not to mention I had a wonderful Jesus moment of meeting some new ladies at church and that’s all I’m gonna say about that, because I’m still sitting in the awe of Jesus over it!
So yeah, the pain is still present, but it’s not as heavy and I enjoyed today to the fullest! I even treated myself to lemon pepper wings from my favorite place (Wingstop) and drove by myself to get them (which I never do that).
My heart aches. It’s ached all day off and on. I took a nap in the middle of the day because I was tired. Kobi tucked me in and kissed my cheek and sang to me while I napped.
In between the nap, we had breakfast, we played with balloons, built a fort, went swimming, went to Chick-fil-a, and Dunkin and made the most of the day. We tried to say yes to Kobi all day and it was pretty fun well at least for me, because I feel like I’m always saying no.
Things felt different this year. Maybe because Kiwi Hannah is five and that seems like such a milestone birthday! It just hit me differently. Like it’s been 5 years! It took us 5 years to even get pregnant with her, so for her to be gone for 5 years after the fact, just seems like a lifetime has passed!
There are so many things I want to say, and feel the need to say but I don’t have the energy, not today. Just know that we celebrated Big Sister Day the best we could!