Kiwi Hannah is 5!

My heart aches. It’s ached all day off and on. I took a nap in the middle of the day because I was tired. Kobi tucked me in and kissed my cheek and sang to me while I napped.

In between the nap, we had breakfast, we played with balloons, built a fort, went swimming, went to Chick-fil-a, and Dunkin and made the most of the day. We tried to say yes to Kobi all day and it was pretty fun well at least for me, because I feel like I’m always saying no.

Things felt different this year. Maybe because Kiwi Hannah is five and that seems like such a milestone birthday! It just hit me differently. Like it’s been 5 years! It took us 5 years to even get pregnant with her, so for her to be gone for 5 years after the fact, just seems like a lifetime has passed!

There are so many things I want to say, and feel the need to say but I don’t have the energy, not today. Just know that we celebrated Big Sister Day the best we could!

Date Night

It’s been a minute since we had a date night so we wanted to make sure we did a little bit of everything to make up for lost time. We went and had a wonderful meal, got drinks, and dessert and we even went shopping.

All these things took place in different areas and it was so fun to drive around Miami to do them all. We ended up watching a bit of Netflix to round out the night before we had to pick Kobi up.

I’m hoping it won’t be quite as long until the next one, but if it is, I know for a fact that we made the most of this night together!

Thankful Tuesday

This is not a real thing, like a holiday or anything but I am just so thankful today. Although when I realized it was only Tuesday I was a bit shocked because I am that tired but on the other hand I am just so thankful!

Today I was able to take Kobi to the doctors office because she hasn’t been feeling well and her breathing had become very short. I found out she has bronchitis and wheezing along with a really bad cough. She needed and will need breathing treatments. That took too many hours, but through the whole ordeal I was able to do some work from home, my phone and by work I mean forwarding information to my boss because he picked up my slack so that I could make sure Kobi was taking care of.

Even though the doctors office and subsequent prescriptions were an unexpected expense I was thankful for the insurance that kept the cost down, as well as the money that we had to cover it all.

I was thankful that when I did finally make it to the office I had Kobi in tow and it was perfectly normally that she was there. I was more grateful for the women around me who helped me when Kobi got sick during our mail run. All of their advice and love, reassurance and grace was so appreciated.

The fact that we were late to dinner with our friends because we had to pick up Kobi’s nebulizer machine and give her said treatments along with other medicine and yet our friends still served us cheerfully was a huge blessing and I’m thankful for it.

All the calls and texts to check on Kobi have been overwhelming and I am so grateful for each one! I’m always grateful for William who tags himself in right when I need him, and still allows me to call him to rescue me from failing!!

I remembered a dear friends birthday just in time to send her a video shoutout. Y’all I am so thankful, because even with everything going on and it only being Tuesday I am blessed beyond measure!

To my Knight in shining armor on our anniversary

Dear Knight-in-shining-armor,

It’s been ten years. Life has been hard. The armor is a bit banged up from all the elements of this adventure we have lived together. It’s clunky, rusted, and hard to move around in. Even so, you still polish it and keep donning that heavy suit for me, making sure I feel our happily-ever-after hasn’t completely died.

It’s been ten years. The weight of the armor has been an unnecessary burden on you just because I liked the way it looked. It’s not realistic and I’m sorry I’ve made you carry that weight around all these years. For a girl who hates Disney I sure did fall for their lie…

Nevertheless I have seen the error and the damage I have done and on the day that we celebrate our love of being married. I would like to release you, to tell you to TAKE OFF THE ARMOR and go and get top dollar at the junk yard for the scraps so no other man can fall into that lie.

See the problem with you being a knight was that you were never really allowed to rest. You were always in a fight, and you served me no matter the situation and probably worst of all, you were never allowed to make a mistake. The only person who was ever that perfect was Jesus and yet that same standard was tossed upon you and polished so brightly it blinded me.

It’s only by God’s goodness and glory that we’ve come this far because I’ve had it all wrong this whole time. I’ve been walking around so blinded by the pristine shine from your armor that I couldn’t see you, and it’s just now that I am starting to see and believe the “you” you have become. You need to be in a position where you rest, where your decisions are valued, where you don’t have to be in a fight all the time, where you can be seen and where you can make mistakes knowing full well they are allowed and we can work through them together. If I’m suppose to be your helpmate, why can’t I help solve the problems instead of making you feel like they are all your fault even when they are out of your control?

Today we are ten years in… it’s been a hard ten years it feels like we’ve lived several different lives in that time. And although I feel like I’m starting from the beginning, I’m excited because I know that there are no filters, no light blindness, just you in your rawest form and I get to see you, to hear you, to watch you stretch out and become the man you were always meant to be.

I’m sorry for the things I did, the things I didn’t do, the things I said or didn’t say when I was walking around blinded by the armor I made you wear. I have repented for the damages I have caused our family and I am asking your forgiveness today so that we can start this next decade on the same page of realistic expectations, hopes, and dreams together. Happy Anniversary, my love. Thank you for loving me so faithfully and so unconditionally all these years.