Kiwi Hannah is 5!

My heart aches. It’s ached all day off and on. I took a nap in the middle of the day because I was tired. Kobi tucked me in and kissed my cheek and sang to me while I napped.

In between the nap, we had breakfast, we played with balloons, built a fort, went swimming, went to Chick-fil-a, and Dunkin and made the most of the day. We tried to say yes to Kobi all day and it was pretty fun well at least for me, because I feel like I’m always saying no.

Things felt different this year. Maybe because Kiwi Hannah is five and that seems like such a milestone birthday! It just hit me differently. Like it’s been 5 years! It took us 5 years to even get pregnant with her, so for her to be gone for 5 years after the fact, just seems like a lifetime has passed!

There are so many things I want to say, and feel the need to say but I don’t have the energy, not today. Just know that we celebrated Big Sister Day the best we could!

Don’t be dismayed

This is what kept me going today. Actually it’s kept me going for five years now. When everything happened with Kiwi, people sent me messages and scriptures and this was the one scripture that broke through the grief long enough to stick and it slowly called me out of darkness and into His marvelous light, letting me know that I could trust Him to hold me together in my utter despair.

So this morning when I came across it I decided this would be my manna for today, and you know what? It was just enough to get me through today, to be able to find the good parts of the day, to notice the blue sky and the sun shining and to have a laugh with a friend. To see the blessings around me. I have no idea what tomorrow will be like, and I’m okay with that.

Happy 4th Birthday Kiwi!

Today Kiwi would have been 4 years old. I only cried once around the time she was born, 5:34 in the morning. I also sang happy birthday to her then as well.

We slept in a little, got up and got Kobi registered for a pre school type program 2 days a week, then Big Sister Day commenced. We played in our play room, ate pizza for lunch, went bowling for the first time as a family (it was a huge success) came home took naps got up went out for ice cream and had more pizza for dinner.

It was both low key and celebratory at the same time. I miss Kiwi so much, but I am so thankful for all the good things that I was able to recognize throughout the week. Like the girls volleyball team that I coach winning their game, finding out that several people share the same birthday as Kiwi, getting offered a job position that I really wanted, receiving praise reports of answered prayers, and being able to spend time with my family.

I am also so grateful for people checking up on me, and praying me through this week! Y’all definitely lifted the burden.

Kiwi Hannah, mommy, daddy and sissy love you so much and hope you had an extra special really awesome day with Jesus, Cylis, Tegan, Kyle, and all the others. I look forward to seeing you in my dreams and of course when we get to heaven!

My heart hurts

My heart hurts. I’m sad. I wish Kiwi was here on this earth right now anticipating her birthday on Friday. She would be turning 4! I miss all of the opportunities and the memories we didn’t have and I cling to the ones we were able to create.

I cried today. I mean really cried. I had to let the pain out because I felt like I would suffocate otherwise. It’s not fair! Why did my baby have to be born so early? I know part of the reason was so that Kobi could live, but it doesn’t take away the pain I have deep in my heart.

I wish that life could have been breathed into Kiwi’s body like Elisha did when he raised the Shunammite’s son (see 2 Kings 4:32-37). I wish Kiwi was here so we could take her to preschool this year. I wish I could see her, and hold her. I wish she was here to help Kobi potty train and to play dress up with her. I really wish I took more pictures and shared more of her with everyone. We waited so long for her I just wanted to enjoy her and really soak the whole experience in. I wish for a lot of things concerning Kiwi but none of them will come true until I get to heaven…

My heart hurts. Nights are the worst because it becomes harder to shut out the despair when everything is still. So if I seem a bit scattered this week and even next week, please forgive me. I’m trying to live and walk through life while grieving my first born. I so appreciate your prayers.

A loss unlike any other

Blue and Pink Bracelet
My bracelet that lets me embrace Kiwi just a little

Today I dug out my bracelet, I just had to wear it today. At first I didn’t know why, at the time it played right into my outfit: a black dress a pink cami underneath and my blue glasses. I was wearing the colors for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month so of course my bracelet with the same colors and Kiwi’s name just had to be worn today! At some point I realized that today was the day of remembrance for those that have loss children, and I felt like it was subconsciously Kiwi’s way of saying remember me! 

I’ve lost friends and grandparents before, but losing my child was so different, so unexpected, the pain was so deep I thought I would drown. Everything I ever imagined for my daughter was gone in an instant. There would be no long life lived… and instead I would feel like I’ve lived long enough, just so that I could meet her! Of course I held her, but it wasn’t long enough. I saw her breathing, but that wasn’t long enough. 

My baby Kiwi is gone, and it sucks! 

I’m happy for this day and this month because it forces me to grieve instead of setting my feelings aside and being strong for the other areas of my life. It gives me an excuse to cry without explanation, and to really feel the tug on my heart, it also allows me to see Kiwi in different moments, be it a solitary bird flying over head, or a rainbow, those moments are sweet and I know they are her way of saying hello until we meet face to face and can embrace. 

Today, the rest of this month and every other day please remember those that have experienced a loss unlike any other! You won’t always see their pain but know that it’s there and they need prayer and support and acknowledgement.