This month is over! There was so much stuff going on I really don’t know what my focus should be for the coming month. Trying to find the balance between work and life has been unattainable and will probably remain as such forever, but my goal is to be at least 60/40 at any given moment. Therapy is still much needed. I actually had fun doing our budget and keeping track of what was going on with our money at any given moment. It actually brought about a freedom I don’t think I’ve felt in a long time when it comes to money. It would be nice to add another date night into the budget as well as a few other line items. I want to start running again, and continue to be mindful of what I put into my body mainly dairy and processed sugars. I want to get to bed at a decent time again, instead of past midnight. I really want to refocus and readjust my goals going into the last 3 months of the year and I want to continue to go deep with Jesus and His word. I didn’t really narrow anything down, but I do know that I feel much better about going into this new month with a fresh perspective and newly outfitted goals! Thanks again for your support and encouragement!
This is actually what Kobi said this evening at dinner when she was asked if she felt better. She said no, but Jesus is helping me.
Hearing her say this made me think, “well at least we’re doing something right”, because it is true, He is helping her, He’s helping me, He’s helping our family. Things may not look the way we think they should at any given moment but, it doesn’t mean that things aren’t happening for our good.
I have been discouraged today, but it doesn’t mean that I have to accept that momentary feeling as a permanent fixture in my life because Jesus is helping me to stay positive, to remember what He’s called me to in this season, and to recall all the other times He has brought me through. So I’m going to bed full of peace tonight and I hope this encourages you to do the same.
The past five months have been utterly incomprehensible! I’ve never known a pain so deep, so raw, one that bleeds at the sight of a newborn baby, pregnant lady, or baby clothes (did I mention I am constantly surrounded by all three).
And yet, here I am; ALIVE and in my right mind when I thought I’d be dead or locked away in an institution for the mentally insane!
I am surrounded by good, meaty, life-long friends that give more than they take; and that’s refreshing! I have been working which has kept my mind busy and brought some much-needed money into the house. I’ve even lost most of the baby weight, and I celebrated my sixth wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband!!
Life is ever so slowly moving forward, my relationship with Jesus has returned to what it once was…Heck, it may even be better than before because now I have captured a part of His grace I never knew existed!
I still miss my baby girl, Kiwi Hannah Harding every day!! Some days are more than others and some days the pain isn’t as bad but every day (come to find out) she is thought about and missed and loved by more than just me!! She was an answered prayer, a promise fulfilled, a long-awaited gift, and although I only had her for a little while, she was everything I had asked for!
So today on this fifth month of her being with Jesus, although my heart aches I’m deciding to trust in Jesus, look towards the future, and begin to live a little bit more of the life God has for me because Kiwi is more than okay she is with the only man who could love her more than her father and me: Jesus, and at the end of the day that’s all a mother could ask for and ever want!!
Today officially makes three months that my Kiwi Hannah went to be with Jesus. Today has been both good and bad. I learned a lot about God’s sovereignty when it came to the birth of Jesus. Our neighbors accepted our invite and came to church with us and they enjoyed it. I got to watch a friend do what she loves on stage.
But while listening to a song today at church that I wished Kiwi was here to listen to I couldn’t help but break down and cry!! It was giving praise to Jesus and all I could think about was how Kiwi didn’t need to be in my belly to hear this awesome song because she was present with Jesus praising Him in person and that in a few short days she’d get to wish Jesus a happy birthday in person too!! I mean how cool is that!
I miss her so much but when I think of things like that it almost seems selfish of me to want her back!! It doesn’t stop the pain, but it does make it somewhat bearable although I’ve been sulky and weepy since I got home from church today… I just want things to be different, less hard, more joyous, and less heartache; but it looks like I’ll be going in to next year with a broken heart and expectations for God to fix it and make it new.
I wanted to take this time to acknowledge the blessings that are plentiful in my life right now at this very moment. There’s not a long list but they have equally made me glad and brought me joy in this season of my life…
I GOT A JOB!!
This is truly an answered prayer!! I have been searching for somewhere to work since the passing of Kiwi. I figured since I wasn’t going to be able to parent my child, I could at least help on our goals of getting out of debt. So to bring in anything extra is a great blessing for our family. I prayed and asked God to allow me to be working by January and here it is I’m working a few weeks before. God is so good.
It’s the YouTube channel that my husband and I have started in order to grow and learn about each other. It’s so much fun and really has blessed us! Not to mention it is quality time well spent because we both like doing them together which is rare for us. Feel free to check our series #WhatsForDinner out here.
I almost didn’t put this in here… because it’s a twitter led YouTube series hosted by Gary Vaynerchuk… but then I realized that it has played such a pivotal role in my life and household that it is indeed a blessing! This is what inspired the previously mentioned YouTube channel William and I started! We watch these episodes and nerd out on them together!! This has allowed us to find common ground and to dream together. Not to mention I have been featured on the show twice in my short time of following it (Episodes 50 and 57) and it COMPLETELY BLESSED MY SOCKS OFF! To have the chance to engage with someone who is doing what they love through what I love (social media) is something special and it’s sparked something in me to go after what I want!
As to be expected after everything happened with Kiwi going to be with Jesus. Christmas didn’t really seem all that important. I struggled to get into the “Christmas Spirit” but somewhere along the way, (I think it had a lot to do with the “Road to Christmas” Bible Study I’m doing with a group of friends) I found it but I realized that I never lost it… I just wanted to focus on the true meaning of Christmas and not the overly commercialized parts! I want to acknowledge Jesus’ Birthday, God’s sacrifice and the Holy Spirits presence, I want to spend time with family and friends, I want to share an intimate moment with my husband holding him close and snuggling a bit longer. I want to dream again but not my dreams; the God dreams I momentarily let go of in my pain and sadness.
William and I both in this season have found a group of real friends and wouldn’t you know it– I don’t have any pictures because I’m too busy enjoying the time together to “capture the moment” even for social media!! But let me tell you this group has brought us laughter, fun, food, and most of all memories!! I’m actually crying a little bit thinking about how much they mean to us! Even though they were all there before we lost our precious Kiwi Hannah their consistency has healed us faster than we ever thought possible!
These are my blessings and I’m counting them over and over again because they bring me absolute joy! Thanks for walking this journey out with me. I love you all!