Where to go from here?

This month is over! There was so much stuff going on I really don’t know what my focus should be for the coming month. Trying to find the balance between work and life has been unattainable and will probably remain as such forever, but my goal is to be at least 60/40 at any given moment. Therapy is still much needed. I actually had fun doing our budget and keeping track of what was going on with our money at any given moment. It actually brought about a freedom I don’t think I’ve felt in a long time when it comes to money. It would be nice to add another date night into the budget as well as a few other line items. I want to start running again, and continue to be mindful of what I put into my body mainly dairy and processed sugars. I want to get to bed at a decent time again, instead of past midnight. I really want to refocus and readjust my goals going into the last 3 months of the year and I want to continue to go deep with Jesus and His word. I didn’t really narrow anything down, but I do know that I feel much better about going into this new month with a fresh perspective and newly outfitted goals! Thanks again for your support and encouragement!

What a difference a day makes

Today, I felt so much better. There was still some residuals in the atmosphere where we had a few rough moments but all in all, we got it together and even ended up having a game night of sorts, which was only half fun (because I hate scrabble) but I loved the time we spent together! People at church told me that they were thankful that I shared my story and told Kiwi Happy Birthday, and a dear friend whom I treasure immensely told me that she had a cupcake for Kiwi yesterday in honor of her birthday!

Y’all to know that my baby was/is remembered by others blesses and continues to heal my heart! Not to mention I had a wonderful Jesus moment of meeting some new ladies at church and that’s all I’m gonna say about that, because I’m still sitting in the awe of Jesus over it!

So yeah, the pain is still present, but it’s not as heavy and I enjoyed today to the fullest! I even treated myself to lemon pepper wings from my favorite place (Wingstop) and drove by myself to get them (which I never do that).

Music helps

Music helps when things get hard. This morning while driving to work I found myself taking intentional breaths because I felt all the feelings starting to bubble up while listening to Cory Asbury.

Later this afternoon I felt the dull ache that let me know I needed to do something so I ended up listening to a few random songs that came to mind (A Letter to Myself, Here & Now and Endless Love) and made a point to go to the gym.

At that moment, those songs reminded me of better days, of being a little girl at home with my mom, before all the things that being a grown up made this life even harder.

Music is the one thing that completely changes my mood. It’s always been that way, and I am grateful for its healing qualities today.

Almost back to normal

A toddler girl with a curly fro in pajamas walking out of a room with a floor covered in legos.

This is a picture taken last night, which lets me know that Kobi is almost back to her normal self. This morning was further proof when she woke up and actually requested breakfast and then ate about 3 eggs. Her energy levels aren’t quite there yet, but the fact that she was up long enough to make a mess of the living room, watch tv most of the day, and then run when it was time to take her medicine lets me know she’s on the up and up.

The last couple of days have been hectic and scary and plain exhausting. I feel like I could go to sleep for three days straight. My soul is tired, but it’s also at peace because my baby can breathe again, her wheezing has greatly subsided and as much as it angers me to have to chase her down and restrain her in order for her to take her antibiotics, I’m happy that she’s not sleeping all day and refusing to eat.

Things have been pushed aside and not at the most convenient of times, but I’m grateful for the grace and understanding that followed my failures and I am beginning to understand what a supportive team really looks like, for that I am grateful and as Kobi is making her way back to her normal self I’m excited to have a rejuvenated excitement of getting back to maintaining the standards I set for myself.

Healing is the ultimate revenge…

I heard a song by Andy Mineo that made me cry, so I decided to listen to the whole album: Work in Progress and that is when I heard the quote I used for the picture… You can either heal or get revenge. Revenge feels good, but healing is so much better!

This quote along with a lot of his album touched on a lot of why I am currently in therapy and seeking healing. The things I’ve bottled up all these years have begun to spill out at the most inconvenient and inappropriate times because there’s no more room for them to stay housed in this vessel! He hit on how he didn’t need anyone and how he put up walls to protect himself but how they no longer served him well and I heard myself in those lyrics and words.

I recognized the power that comes with healing and although it hurts while I am in the middle of it, I have the hope of Christ to know that my healing, and living a full-and-whole, joy-filled, life exactly the way HE created me to live is the ultimate revenge! It’s the ultimate kick in the face, and the ultimate celebration of life, and I’m ready for all of it!