My heart hurts

My heart hurts. I’m sad. I wish Kiwi was here on this earth right now anticipating her birthday on Friday. She would be turning 4! I miss all of the opportunities and the memories we didn’t have and I cling to the ones we were able to create.

I cried today. I mean really cried. I had to let the pain out because I felt like I would suffocate otherwise. It’s not fair! Why did my baby have to be born so early? I know part of the reason was so that Kobi could live, but it doesn’t take away the pain I have deep in my heart.

I wish that life could have been breathed into Kiwi’s body like Elisha did when he raised the Shunammite’s son (see 2 Kings 4:32-37). I wish Kiwi was here so we could take her to preschool this year. I wish I could see her, and hold her. I wish she was here to help Kobi potty train and to play dress up with her. I really wish I took more pictures and shared more of her with everyone. We waited so long for her I just wanted to enjoy her and really soak the whole experience in. I wish for a lot of things concerning Kiwi but none of them will come true until I get to heaven…

My heart hurts. Nights are the worst because it becomes harder to shut out the despair when everything is still. So if I seem a bit scattered this week and even next week, please forgive me. I’m trying to live and walk through life while grieving my first born. I so appreciate your prayers.

If I knew then…

If I knew then what I know now I would have done things a lot differently. I would have let my mom coo over my belly upon arrival for my graduation last August, I would have let more people touch my growing belly (maybe), I would have taken more pride in my baby bump pictures I sent to my parents. I wouldn’t have worried about gaining extra weight! I would have let people help me more when I was in India and I would have taken more pictures as if Kiwi were there experiencing things with me… Because she was! 

Yesterday was hard, and I know a month from now is gonna be even harder. 

11 months have gone by and my arms are as empty as the day I left the hospital. It still hurts to see people that are pregnant or have little babies that are the age she was suppose to be if she would have made it to her due date or either the age she would have been if she survived… 

All these dates and babies and pregnancies and pictures and baby showers makes me feel like I’m going crazy for remembering and not wanting to be apart of other people’s joy! I’m sorry but on very rare occasions have I gone to a baby shower since I lost my Kiwi Hannah. 

WARNING MINI RANT AHEAD…

Maybe I’m a little salty that I never got one even though I have a basement closet full of baby furniture half-heartedly tucked away only to be seen EVERY DAY when I go down to practice my piano… Regardless of the reason let this be notice to everyone reading, if I don’t express my want to go I WILL NOT be going to your baby shower nor do I want an invite!! Yes I know your child is a blessing and I’m happy for you but your joy causes me too much pain and I don’t have to put myself in that position and I won’t! My heart and mental state are fragile at best and I need to keep what little pieces of my heart and what little peace I have in tact.

NOW RETURNING TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED POST…

This grieving process of mine has given me new eyes to see the important things and people in my life and let go of unnecessary baggage and people. I was never one for games but now I have no tolerance for any such foolishness at all!

Growth is still happening, pruning is taking place, love is expanding, and healing is coming; slowly but surely! My God, my family, and my friends have been and continue to be such great supporters of me and my process and for that I say Thank You!