On the eve of this month almost being over, I just want to say how thankful I am that tomorrow is the last day of this month! September was by far the hardest month of the year for me. I’m usually emotional because it’s Kiwi’s Birthday month, but to throw in a sick kiddo, big work projects, and trying to change our family tree by getting out of debt at the same time it was a lot to take on at once, and I’m still trying to recover.
I’m not sleeping all that well, I’m not really motivated to do much, I’m just ready for it to be over, so that I can just reset, make some goals for next month and give myself a bit more grace and balance. I’ve made some strides and I had some wins, but to know that this month is almost over brings so much relief.
Thank you for coming to read my posts, and for participating in the dialogue during this blog challenge. Hopefully I won’t go so long in between posts and can incorporate this space into my regular calendar, because it has been fun to blog every night, and to hear from my readers.
Blessings to you all,
Today, I felt so much better. There was still some residuals in the atmosphere where we had a few rough moments but all in all, we got it together and even ended up having a game night of sorts, which was only half fun (because I hate scrabble) but I loved the time we spent together! People at church told me that they were thankful that I shared my story and told Kiwi Happy Birthday, and a dear friend whom I treasure immensely told me that she had a cupcake for Kiwi yesterday in honor of her birthday!
Y’all to know that my baby was/is remembered by others blesses and continues to heal my heart! Not to mention I had a wonderful Jesus moment of meeting some new ladies at church and that’s all I’m gonna say about that, because I’m still sitting in the awe of Jesus over it!
So yeah, the pain is still present, but it’s not as heavy and I enjoyed today to the fullest! I even treated myself to lemon pepper wings from my favorite place (Wingstop) and drove by myself to get them (which I never do that).
My heart aches. It’s ached all day off and on. I took a nap in the middle of the day because I was tired. Kobi tucked me in and kissed my cheek and sang to me while I napped.
In between the nap, we had breakfast, we played with balloons, built a fort, went swimming, went to Chick-fil-a, and Dunkin and made the most of the day. We tried to say yes to Kobi all day and it was pretty fun well at least for me, because I feel like I’m always saying no.
Things felt different this year. Maybe because Kiwi Hannah is five and that seems like such a milestone birthday! It just hit me differently. Like it’s been 5 years! It took us 5 years to even get pregnant with her, so for her to be gone for 5 years after the fact, just seems like a lifetime has passed!
There are so many things I want to say, and feel the need to say but I don’t have the energy, not today. Just know that we celebrated Big Sister Day the best we could!
Music helps when things get hard. This morning while driving to work I found myself taking intentional breaths because I felt all the feelings starting to bubble up while listening to Cory Asbury.
Later this afternoon I felt the dull ache that let me know I needed to do something so I ended up listening to a few random songs that came to mind (A Letter to Myself, Here & Now and Endless Love) and made a point to go to the gym.
At that moment, those songs reminded me of better days, of being a little girl at home with my mom, before all the things that being a grown up made this life even harder.
Music is the one thing that completely changes my mood. It’s always been that way, and I am grateful for its healing qualities today.
Y’all. I’m home alone right now and after the week that I’ve had I’m so grateful for the silence. I’m overly emotional because next week is Kiwi’s Birthday. We’re trying to get out of debt, I am trying to publish my book, I still have to work, there’s still therapy that needs to get done. I want to buy all the makeup and new clothes cause I’m feeling my self, but did I mention we’re trying to get out of debt?! Lol.
I could be cleaning, or watching one of the countless shows or videos that I’ve saved but all I really want to do is sit in this silence with this small tinge of pain in my heart and think about what my life will be like a few years from now.
I have to think about the future so I won’t get sucked into the past, heartbreaking, earth-shattering grief I was in knowing full well that I’m allowed to feel all the feels regardless of when they come but I have to maintain some sort of balance. I’m gonna try some stuff I learned from therapy to soothe my ache and I’m gonna let myself cry but most of all I’m gonna enjoy the silence.