Tonight I went on a run with Kobi, and a few women from MOPS and church that I met. It was the first time I’ve run outside/with others since I left Oregon and it felt so good! Not to mention I was so proud of Kobi who ran most of the way and l only stopped a couple of times and even then it wasn’t that long.
It was her first time running for fun and it was my first time being brave enough to run with her as a form of exercise and not just a quick race. I’m proud of me too. I didn’t want to go because I’m so tired and I had already gotten a workout in earlier in the day and it was dark and Bill wasn’t home yet, but I stuck to my word and showed up and I had a great time! I’m excited to see how we improve as we continue to show up!
I got home and checked my Facebook memories and found this picture from four years ago:
I realized looking at this memory that I had just found out I was pregnant with Kobi in this picture and so “we” ran this fun run way back then and we just so happened to run together again tonight!
What a cool little memory. I am so happy that I showed up and fought through the sleepy whiny kid and my excuses because I love when things line up like this and Jesus knew that, and did I mention I actually had fun and don’t feel horrible after running?!
I am excited to see where this running thing takes us, as individuals and as running buddies. As I watched her run and love winning and struggle when our friends left us, I realized that she had no clue how well she’d actually done and how if we keep running she’ll get it and she’ll only get better.
Then I realized as I was talking to my dad that if I could have believed in myself when I ran track as much as I believe in myself now I would have been an even greater force!! I didn’t know then that I could run more than a lap back then. As I grew older I saw glimpses of it and obviously I learned how (while I was in the Army) to run longer distances but I never enjoyed it, until now.
So here I go, again. It took me a minute to get here but hopefully with Kobi’s help I’ll stick around a little longer.
If this was a couple of months ago, I wouldn’t know how to answer this question. Lately, I have seen this question come up several times and it has caused me to reflect on what really brings me joy. As of this evening, sitting on the beach/a body of water or doing yoga is what brings me joy.
I do also find joy in watching my daughter in any one of her many elements, and of course, spending time with my husband brings me joy too. However, just focusing on what brings me joy. I would also add doing my nails, whether professionally done or not also brings me joy and coloring too.
It’s not much, but it’s more than I’ve had in the past, and I am excited to either gain more joy or to dig deeper into the ones that I currently have.
My heart aches. It’s ached all day off and on. I took a nap in the middle of the day because I was tired. Kobi tucked me in and kissed my cheek and sang to me while I napped.
In between the nap, we had breakfast, we played with balloons, built a fort, went swimming, went to Chick-fil-a, and Dunkin and made the most of the day. We tried to say yes to Kobi all day and it was pretty fun well at least for me, because I feel like I’m always saying no.
Things felt different this year. Maybe because Kiwi Hannah is five and that seems like such a milestone birthday! It just hit me differently. Like it’s been 5 years! It took us 5 years to even get pregnant with her, so for her to be gone for 5 years after the fact, just seems like a lifetime has passed!
There are so many things I want to say, and feel the need to say but I don’t have the energy, not today. Just know that we celebrated Big Sister Day the best we could!
This is actually what Kobi said this evening at dinner when she was asked if she felt better. She said no, but Jesus is helping me.
Hearing her say this made me think, “well at least we’re doing something right”, because it is true, He is helping her, He’s helping me, He’s helping our family. Things may not look the way we think they should at any given moment but, it doesn’t mean that things aren’t happening for our good.
I have been discouraged today, but it doesn’t mean that I have to accept that momentary feeling as a permanent fixture in my life because Jesus is helping me to stay positive, to remember what He’s called me to in this season, and to recall all the other times He has brought me through. So I’m going to bed full of peace tonight and I hope this encourages you to do the same.