Well at least for another hour (when I started writing this) it is. I turned 32 today and surprisingly with everything going on, I had a successful last minute get together, was able to finally get my pedicure, had waaaaay too much cake ended up getting some mangonada, actually I got waaaay too much mangonada and now I feel overstuffed, oh and I was treated to breakfast and coffee while I had to do school work, got a couple of pairs of new sunglasses, and my dear William gave me a duty free day and took care of Kobi all day (to include diapers, feedings, naptime and bedtime rountine)! All I did was play with her, hold her a few times and push her in the cart. It was an extra added surprise!
I’m 32, married, have a beautiful little girl I get to help raise and one in heaven, I own my home, and I pretty much have my Master’s degree and yet I am just now beginning to believe that I am capable of the things I can do, and I am just now starting to let my light shine because hiding has been hard and tiring and I’m done with it! I’m ready for this new season, this God season, with all its grace, favor and love! I’m ready to walk into all that God has for me; like for real this time! I’m ready to be free and relax a whole lot more and worry a whole lot less. It’s going to be a new adventure and I have an exciting expectation!
Thank you for all the well wishes today, and many blessings to you!!
Today officially makes three months that my Kiwi Hannah went to be with Jesus. Today has been both good and bad. I learned a lot about God’s sovereignty when it came to the birth of Jesus. Our neighbors accepted our invite and came to church with us and they enjoyed it. I got to watch a friend do what she loves on stage.
But while listening to a song today at church that I wished Kiwi was here to listen to I couldn’t help but break down and cry!! It was giving praise to Jesus and all I could think about was how Kiwi didn’t need to be in my belly to hear this awesome song because she was present with Jesus praising Him in person and that in a few short days she’d get to wish Jesus a happy birthday in person too!! I mean how cool is that!
I miss her so much but when I think of things like that it almost seems selfish of me to want her back!! It doesn’t stop the pain, but it does make it somewhat bearable although I’ve been sulky and weepy since I got home from church today… I just want things to be different, less hard, more joyous, and less heartache; but it looks like I’ll be going in to next year with a broken heart and expectations for God to fix it and make it new.
So today I started my official first day of my junior year at Austin Peay State University!!! Besides the fact that I already have a quiz to study for and an assignment to work on I am super stoked! I did arrive an hour and half early because I caught a ride with the hubs, which was a good thing because it gave me time to scout out my classes which I failed to do earlier because of the weather. I even ate breakfast because I told my mom I would… and someone told me that I was all swagged out today (which means my outfit was cute) I ended up wearing my natural hair in a puff and and a pomp. It was easy and I felt cute… I had fun in my classes and look forward to what the year will bring!! All in all today was a huge success!! Thanks to everyone who prayed for me and sent encouraging texts to me and showed me love while I was on campus… I greatly appreciate all the love that was shown to me… now to do it all again tomorrow!!
It is so funny and a little upsetting that even now I still get scared about the first day of school… I mean college isn’t really like real school… no one makes you go to class or cares if you brought your own lunch but here it is two days from when I return to school as a full-time student and I am nervous and cant focus on anything else… I am thinking about really insignificant things like how I’m going to wear my natural hair and what outfit I’m gonna put together for the first day of classes. I already know that I will probably be the oldest student in the class and I’m okay with that but I don’t want to give off the impression that I am unapproachable… because although I am NOT looking forward to other people’s drama I know that God has a plan for me in the lives of those I will be around… It may not happen that first day but on that first day everyone will know and see who I am via the introduction that usually comes during those first days… which I have been thinking about ever since my husband gave a suggestion on what I should mention… I want to let my classmates and professors know that I am who I am: serious yet a little goofy when necessary, caring, artsy, loyal, dependable, reliable, married, in love with Jesus… who wants to already be done yet knows there are tons of things to learn… and yeah it reads really well now but the minute I try and put these words together and make them come out of my mouth it’s never gonna be the same… and maybe that’s okay too… but I won’t know until I wake up, get dressed, do my hair, and walk out the door Thursday morning what will transpire… so until then pray for me.
Over the last few years that I have been married, I have come to the realization that I came into this marriage with my own expectations for myself of what I think a wife should do…
I don’t know that they are all correct or even necessary. I don’t even know if I am meeting my own expectations but I feel like the only real way I am going to make progress is to find out what I am doing and adjust anything that needs to be adjusted… It’s not a very long list but it’s my list nonetheless so here it goes:
- at least one of the three meals should be cooked
- the house should be presentable at all times
- there should always be clean towels
- a wife should always look presentable
I know that there are some major things missing on this list things like communication, intimacy, support… but I’m trying to take one step at a time… What were some of your expectations for yourself before you got married?