Kiwi Hannah is 5!

My heart aches. It’s ached all day off and on. I took a nap in the middle of the day because I was tired. Kobi tucked me in and kissed my cheek and sang to me while I napped.

In between the nap, we had breakfast, we played with balloons, built a fort, went swimming, went to Chick-fil-a, and Dunkin and made the most of the day. We tried to say yes to Kobi all day and it was pretty fun well at least for me, because I feel like I’m always saying no.

Things felt different this year. Maybe because Kiwi Hannah is five and that seems like such a milestone birthday! It just hit me differently. Like it’s been 5 years! It took us 5 years to even get pregnant with her, so for her to be gone for 5 years after the fact, just seems like a lifetime has passed!

There are so many things I want to say, and feel the need to say but I don’t have the energy, not today. Just know that we celebrated Big Sister Day the best we could!

Happy 4th Birthday Kiwi!

Today Kiwi would have been 4 years old. I only cried once around the time she was born, 5:34 in the morning. I also sang happy birthday to her then as well.

We slept in a little, got up and got Kobi registered for a pre school type program 2 days a week, then Big Sister Day commenced. We played in our play room, ate pizza for lunch, went bowling for the first time as a family (it was a huge success) came home took naps got up went out for ice cream and had more pizza for dinner.

It was both low key and celebratory at the same time. I miss Kiwi so much, but I am so thankful for all the good things that I was able to recognize throughout the week. Like the girls volleyball team that I coach winning their game, finding out that several people share the same birthday as Kiwi, getting offered a job position that I really wanted, receiving praise reports of answered prayers, and being able to spend time with my family.

I am also so grateful for people checking up on me, and praying me through this week! Y’all definitely lifted the burden.

Kiwi Hannah, mommy, daddy and sissy love you so much and hope you had an extra special really awesome day with Jesus, Cylis, Tegan, Kyle, and all the others. I look forward to seeing you in my dreams and of course when we get to heaven!

My heart hurts

My heart hurts. I’m sad. I wish Kiwi was here on this earth right now anticipating her birthday on Friday. She would be turning 4! I miss all of the opportunities and the memories we didn’t have and I cling to the ones we were able to create.

I cried today. I mean really cried. I had to let the pain out because I felt like I would suffocate otherwise. It’s not fair! Why did my baby have to be born so early? I know part of the reason was so that Kobi could live, but it doesn’t take away the pain I have deep in my heart.

I wish that life could have been breathed into Kiwi’s body like Elisha did when he raised the Shunammite’s son (see 2 Kings 4:32-37). I wish Kiwi was here so we could take her to preschool this year. I wish I could see her, and hold her. I wish she was here to help Kobi potty train and to play dress up with her. I really wish I took more pictures and shared more of her with everyone. We waited so long for her I just wanted to enjoy her and really soak the whole experience in. I wish for a lot of things concerning Kiwi but none of them will come true until I get to heaven…

My heart hurts. Nights are the worst because it becomes harder to shut out the despair when everything is still. So if I seem a bit scattered this week and even next week, please forgive me. I’m trying to live and walk through life while grieving my first born. I so appreciate your prayers.

Sneaky Feelings

As much as I love Kobi and am so grateful that she is here, I still miss Kiwi! I thought that once Kobi was here those feelings of emptiness would dissipate but it’s almost like those feelings got stronger or went deeper. Kiwi would be two years old in September! Kobi’s first flight should have been a lot more hectic because we should have had an almost two year old toddler with us, instead it was pretty easy and people were really kind and forgiving and helpful!

Today I cried. I let myself miss Kiwi and I cried about it. And now I am listening to music that ministers to my soul while I attempt to get things done around the house! Today is not even a “significant date” so this overwhelming feeling of lost is almost unbearable because it’s so unexpected! It snuck up on me and made my eyes pool with tears. I had to explain to Kobi that I missed her sister but everything was okay. Kobi was crying earlier and I asked her if she was crying because she missed Kiwi too? William once said he thought Kobi cried sometimes because she couldn’t play with or be with Kiwi and ever since then, I’ve thought the same thing. It’s comforting and sad all at the same time! 

I know I have something great to do on this earth but I’m more excited about eternity than ever before so that I can see Kiwi thriving and doing the work of her Father!! She passed away on this earth and went to work in eternity, the thought of her working hard and being full of joy and peace while doing what the Lord has appointed her to do makes me one proud mama!! I know the Lord is pleased with her and loves her and speaks with her and that is definitely something to be proud of!!

I’m stil sad. I’m still crying. But I’m alive to share what the Lord is doing in my life through all of this pain and this gaping hole in my heart that Kiwi took with her. The Lord is slowly filling that hole and I’m sure when I see her again my heart will finally be full and whole again.

Thanks for listening/reading/praying 

Love 💫 Terri