To my Knight in shining armor on our anniversary

Dear Knight-in-shining-armor,

It’s been ten years. Life has been hard. The armor is a bit banged up from all the elements of this adventure we have lived together. It’s clunky, rusted, and hard to move around in. Even so, you still polish it and keep donning that heavy suit for me, making sure I feel our happily-ever-after hasn’t completely died.

It’s been ten years. The weight of the armor has been an unnecessary burden on you just because I liked the way it looked. It’s not realistic and I’m sorry I’ve made you carry that weight around all these years. For a girl who hates Disney I sure did fall for their lie…

Nevertheless I have seen the error and the damage I have done and on the day that we celebrate our love of being married. I would like to release you, to tell you to TAKE OFF THE ARMOR and go and get top dollar at the junk yard for the scraps so no other man can fall into that lie.

See the problem with you being a knight was that you were never really allowed to rest. You were always in a fight, and you served me no matter the situation and probably worst of all, you were never allowed to make a mistake. The only person who was ever that perfect was Jesus and yet that same standard was tossed upon you and polished so brightly it blinded me.

It’s only by God’s goodness and glory that we’ve come this far because I’ve had it all wrong this whole time. I’ve been walking around so blinded by the pristine shine from your armor that I couldn’t see you, and it’s just now that I am starting to see and believe the “you” you have become. You need to be in a position where you rest, where your decisions are valued, where you don’t have to be in a fight all the time, where you can be seen and where you can make mistakes knowing full well they are allowed and we can work through them together. If I’m suppose to be your helpmate, why can’t I help solve the problems instead of making you feel like they are all your fault even when they are out of your control?

Today we are ten years in… it’s been a hard ten years it feels like we’ve lived several different lives in that time. And although I feel like I’m starting from the beginning, I’m excited because I know that there are no filters, no light blindness, just you in your rawest form and I get to see you, to hear you, to watch you stretch out and become the man you were always meant to be.

I’m sorry for the things I did, the things I didn’t do, the things I said or didn’t say when I was walking around blinded by the armor I made you wear. I have repented for the damages I have caused our family and I am asking your forgiveness today so that we can start this next decade on the same page of realistic expectations, hopes, and dreams together. Happy Anniversary, my love. Thank you for loving me so faithfully and so unconditionally all these years.

I’m Broken…

I’m broken. I’ve always known this, but I just realized how broken I am, and it’s really, really broken. I think it is very interesting that as I have committed to fixing one part of my life, other areas are coming to the top asking to be skimmed off, to be looked upon and reflected on… and it hurts. 

As much as it hurts, I will do the work necessary for healing to take place and I will keep moving forward and living my life to the full! I’m just broken; not destroyed, not unrecognizable. I am still able to function and see the goodness in this life! I’m ready to do the work, to discover all that this life has to offer on the other side of the pain I’ve carried for so long. I’m ready to experience a new kind of freedom, one where I know exactly who I am, and what I’ve been called to do! 

My 2017 Theme

This year’s theme is pretty simple and yet it’s something I’ve struggled with for a while so it’s definitely time to make a go at it. My one word them for 2017 is HAPPY! 

I want to do things that make me happy, like:

Coloring more

Reading for fun

Playing/Coaching volleyball 


Take pictures 


Make family memories

Start traditions

Try new recipes

Spend good quality time with William

Spend time with good friends

Drink Coffee 

Play my violin and the piano (if only for 15 minutes a couple times a week)

Spend good quality time with Kobi

Have good in depth Jesus time

Treating myself (and learn not to regret it)

Give gifts

Eat Ice Cream

I also want to learn how to relax and use the above mentioned things to do so. I’ve had to be the responsible one for so long I don’t know any other way to be but I want to try and be a bit more carefree I want to live my life in all it’s wholeness with way more happy and less worry and routine. I want to continue to find out what makes me happy and do those things. 

It’s going to be interesting finding the time to do these things amidst all of my responsibilities (wife, mom, work, school) but I’m willing to find the time to help me be great!

So here’s to a happier and more relaxed 2017! 


Do you have a word or resolution for 2017? I’d love to read what it is! 

Praise Break!

Today I had a VA appointment and during that said appointment I realized just how good God has been to me!! I had to recall some pretty terrible things that happened to me growing up… and just the life I’ve lived in general. I won’t go into very much detail but looking back I’ve been molested several times from the ages of 5-13, had a bout of anorexia my first two years of high school, was raped at 16, suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts from ages 13-27… grew up to a single mother with a father who was in and out of jail my whole life… I should be a statistic, into drugs or worse… BUT GOD!!!

He kept me…through it all; regardless of everything that happened to me and I know that He will continue to keep me and has been keeping me through the lost of our daughter Kiwi!!

His love is real and He continues to show me how real it is every single day of my life!! It’s not just the big things it’s the small things! He’s made me new and given me a life I never thought possible to have. Please believe I praised Him all the way home!! I serve an awesome God. One who has loved me my whole life and given me beauty for ashes. Thank you Jesus for loving me and continuing to strengthen me.

Make A Note Monday: Things just got real!

You know when you are pondering doing something and you go back and forth about it until you make a decision and then something happens to cement your decision? Well today that happened to me in a big humiliating way…

I had already woken up this morning and had decided that I’m going to lose weight and get in shape… This afternoon I set my goal: I would love to be in shape for my graduation in August. I even worked out a plan to use the gym on campus during summer classes (since I have to take them anyway) and I was feeling great!!

But the thing that sealed the deal (luckily) happened to me while I was home alone although nonetheless humiliating for me… I split my pants moving my keyboard from the stand to the floor!!! Even when I gained all that newlywed weight (that know one warns you about) I never split my pants!!

So as embarrassing as this is for me I’m writing this to keep me accountable!! I already coach volleyball at least twice a week and really that’s probably all I can do right now as far as activities go but I can change my diet to include no sugars during the week, more water, less salt, eating more times a day, having healthy snacks watching my portions etc…

The buck stops here! I know there’s a Freshman 15 but I really do believe there’s also a Senior 25 they don’t tell you about!! I don’t know how much I weigh because I don’t own a scale (it’s a trigger for me) but I’ll know when my weight is down and so will you!! I’d appreciate any kind words of encouragement from now until August!!