Music helps when things get hard. This morning while driving to work I found myself taking intentional breaths because I felt all the feelings starting to bubble up while listening to Cory Asbury.
Later this afternoon I felt the dull ache that let me know I needed to do something so I ended up listening to a few random songs that came to mind (A Letter to Myself, Here & Now and Endless Love) and made a point to go to the gym.
At that moment, those songs reminded me of better days, of being a little girl at home with my mom, before all the things that being a grown up made this life even harder.
Music is the one thing that completely changes my mood. It’s always been that way, and I am grateful for its healing qualities today.
This is what kept me going today. Actually it’s kept me going for five years now. When everything happened with Kiwi, people sent me messages and scriptures and this was the one scripture that broke through the grief long enough to stick and it slowly called me out of darkness and into His marvelous light, letting me know that I could trust Him to hold me together in my utter despair.
So this morning when I came across it I decided this would be my manna for today, and you know what? It was just enough to get me through today, to be able to find the good parts of the day, to notice the blue sky and the sun shining and to have a laugh with a friend. To see the blessings around me. I have no idea what tomorrow will be like, and I’m okay with that.
Y’all. I’m home alone right now and after the week that I’ve had I’m so grateful for the silence. I’m overly emotional because next week is Kiwi’s Birthday. We’re trying to get out of debt, I am trying to publish my book, I still have to work, there’s still therapy that needs to get done. I want to buy all the makeup and new clothes cause I’m feeling my self, but did I mention we’re trying to get out of debt?! Lol.
I could be cleaning, or watching one of the countless shows or videos that I’ve saved but all I really want to do is sit in this silence with this small tinge of pain in my heart and think about what my life will be like a few years from now.
I have to think about the future so I won’t get sucked into the past, heartbreaking, earth-shattering grief I was in knowing full well that I’m allowed to feel all the feels regardless of when they come but I have to maintain some sort of balance. I’m gonna try some stuff I learned from therapy to soothe my ache and I’m gonna let myself cry but most of all I’m gonna enjoy the silence.
My heart hurts. I’m sad. I wish Kiwi was here on this earth right now anticipating her birthday on Friday. She would be turning 4! I miss all of the opportunities and the memories we didn’t have and I cling to the ones we were able to create.
I cried today. I mean really cried. I had to let the pain out because I felt like I would suffocate otherwise. It’s not fair! Why did my baby have to be born so early? I know part of the reason was so that Kobi could live, but it doesn’t take away the pain I have deep in my heart.
I wish that life could have been breathed into Kiwi’s body like Elisha did when he raised the Shunammite’s son (see 2 Kings 4:32-37). I wish Kiwi was here so we could take her to preschool this year. I wish I could see her, and hold her. I wish she was here to help Kobi potty train and to play dress up with her. I really wish I took more pictures and shared more of her with everyone. We waited so long for her I just wanted to enjoy her and really soak the whole experience in. I wish for a lot of things concerning Kiwi but none of them will come true until I get to heaven…
My heart hurts. Nights are the worst because it becomes harder to shut out the despair when everything is still. So if I seem a bit scattered this week and even next week, please forgive me. I’m trying to live and walk through life while grieving my first born. I so appreciate your prayers.
Today I dug out my bracelet, I just had to wear it today. At first I didn’t know why, at the time it played right into my outfit: a black dress a pink cami underneath and my blue glasses. I was wearing the colors for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month so of course my bracelet with the same colors and Kiwi’s name just had to be worn today! At some point I realized that today was the day of remembrance for those that have loss children, and I felt like it was subconsciously Kiwi’s way of saying remember me!
I’ve lost friends and grandparents before, but losing my child was so different, so unexpected, the pain was so deep I thought I would drown. Everything I ever imagined for my daughter was gone in an instant. There would be no long life lived… and instead I would feel like I’ve lived long enough, just so that I could meet her! Of course I held her, but it wasn’t long enough. I saw her breathing, but that wasn’t long enough.
My baby Kiwi is gone, and it sucks!
I’m happy for this day and this month because it forces me to grieve instead of setting my feelings aside and being strong for the other areas of my life. It gives me an excuse to cry without explanation, and to really feel the tug on my heart, it also allows me to see Kiwi in different moments, be it a solitary bird flying over head, or a rainbow, those moments are sweet and I know they are her way of saying hello until we meet face to face and can embrace.
Today, the rest of this month and every other day please remember those that have experienced a loss unlike any other! You won’t always see their pain but know that it’s there and they need prayer and support and acknowledgement.