Y’all I have tried hiding my feelings of missing Kiwi for the last two weeks and it just has not worked! I tried to tell myself that I was too busy to miss her so I continued doing what I had been doing. But the thing about grief is that it has no other place to go so it will continue to linger and now I find myself on an emotional roller coaster of sorts.
I look at Kobi and I’m so happy and grateful and then she’ll do something and I’ll get sad because I’ll think about where Kiwi would have been. I didn’t even tell William and the when I tried he was already sleep so it came as a surprise to him when I started talking and crying about how I missed our daughter!
My attempt to hide my feelings wasn’t very fair to anyone. I would have never been too busy to tend to Kiwi so I should never think I’m too busy to allow myself to feel all the feels and emotions that come with missing her! I’m still grieving! It’s not nearly as debilitating as it once was and it’s a little easier to move on after a good cry but I have to let myself have a good cry in order to do so!
And I’m sure William felt a little lost and helpless at my sudden change in mood and demeanor. It’s hard for me to let myself grieve in front of him because we grieve so differently. I know that us grieving differently is okay I just don’t want to hold anything against him for doing it so differently… After all we’re talking about raw emotions and I’d hate to say something in the heat of the moment that didn’t need to be said.
Yesterday at church we were singing that song “better is one day in your courts, better is one day in your house, better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere”and it hit me that Kiwi is in His courts right now and that is so much better than having her here with me for thousands of days! I know she’s doing far better than her almost two year old self would be doing here with us and I know she is way more loved because she gets to spend her days with Jesus and has gotten to spend every day since she was born with Him. It helped me to understand that she’s much better where she is even though I can’t find the words to describe how much I love and miss her!
So I guess what I am trying to say is when the feelings come let them come, allow yourself to feel every last bit of them. Don’t try to deny them because that only makes things worse. And know that grief is a process that can’t be hurried along like someone getting into your thanksgiving pies! It’s gonna come when it wants to and when it knows it’s time for you to release some of those emotions you’ve been holding on to and it’s just best you let it come to do what it came to do; which is help heal you!