Mind Dump

It’s one day until Kobi turns 3 weeks old and there are so many feelings I have inside of me at this very moment. Mostly I just want her home with me. I don’t know if that’s a feeling or what but that’s what I’ve got at the moment, there’s also guilt and sadness in there too. I’m trying to allow others to bless me as they see fit but it’s so hard to be so vulnerable again! I thought that losing Kiwi was bad enough but this sucks too! The only thing that doesn’t make it just as bad is knowing that I get to go and see Kobi every day!! But even that makes me miss her sister a little more…

I cry all the time over the smallest things: a commercial, food, a card, William thinking of me and showing me with little gifts. Despite me being overly emotional (post pregnancy hormones are real and in my case a lot more weepy than when I was pregnant) everyday life makes me extra grateful! The fact that I can walk around freely with minimal pain is wonderful and even if I overdo it I know that I’m still not confined to the bed anymore so I just rest up and go again in a few days… I still can’t bend down and pick things up or even lift overly heavy items (this could be my purse with a bible and a water bottle in it) but I try to do what I can when I have the energy to do it. My life right now consists of pumping, sleeping, taking my meds, drinking enough water and trying to eat three decent meals a day. it may not seem like much but it’s actually a huge task right now. My goal is to get healthy enough to take care of Kobi when she comes home…

Did I mention we still have the nursery to get finished as well as my baby shower to attend that I don’t even really feel like going to because I’ll be baby less and still look pregnant and now I have to try to find something to wear for a bump less baby shower although there’s still a bump there and I have no idea how I want to wear my hair… gosh those things don’t even seem that important but because this is my first baby shower I just wanted things to be a particular way; mainly I wanted to have a baby in my belly during it but that won’t be the case this time around… Oh and I never got my maternity pictures done between bed rest and bad weather so I have like one picture on the day I began to go in labor of my bare belly that William took while the doctors where examining me!

Gosh I just feel like my life has always got to be a testimony for someone else (meaning everything has to be done the hard way) and that knowledge can be a lot to take at times. I know I have to trust God and I am but it doesn’t make this life any easier. I’m tired. I’m worried about my baby. I’m trying to find the balance between being concerned and not letting her become an idol. I’m trying to be kind in my impatience and trying to extend more grace specifically to William all while trying to rest… If I wasn’t exhausted at the end of the day I don’t know that I would ever sleep.

I’m still trying to figure out if I should be working or go and finish my degree first and then I keep thinking of possible theses to research and thinking about how close I am to finishing my degree. I’m thinking about childcare and if I could really leave Kobi right away and I’m thinking about moving but know that moving would require a two income household and I want to find a job that I am passionate about and that I love going into every day!  I don’t just want to work at something I’m good at because that brings me no joy and I need to have joy in order to be fulfilled and satisfied… so many things running through my head I just needed to get them all out so I could breathe. Thanks for listening/reading.

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