It’s finally here!

The day I have been waiting for since last May has finally arrived! After September, I thought it would take forever to get here. January came and the countdown began…My anniversary came and my husband and I had a great time. For a brief two-day moment we enjoyed ourselves as if for the last four months our lives haven’t been under major construction after crumbling right before our eyes so unexpectedly. Thank you to everyone who made a happy anniversary possible, I asked for prayers and they were answered.

Alas, it’s been a few days since my anniversary and now the day I was hoping would be a joyous occasion is just another day. However, it is now filled with a deep heartache and longing for what should have been my due date!

During this countdown my heart although healing, has very much been tortured:

  • To see the women who were pregnant a few weeks before me have their babies was a slap in the face.
  • Those who were pregnant a few weeks after me, well to see them surpass me and making final preparations before their baby comes is hurtful.
  • To see or hear about couples who haven’t been married as long as my husband and me find out their pregnant still has a gut wrenching punch.
  • But the real killer of my heart is seeing a newborn baby. It doesn’t matter whose baby it is or where we are; with every new-born baby I see I feel a physical ache in my heart and the breath is knocked out of me. I have to fight to stay standing.

Please don’t hear what I am not saying/writing… I am happy for those women. I have to remind myself all the time because what I’m looking at is their blessing and their story and it’s not mine to steal or be envious of. But it doesn’t mean I don’t hurt thinking about my baby Kiwi Hannah and the story that has been left unwritten concerning her life.

I am grateful to have made it this far. I am glad this day has finally come so that I can let go of another milestone I had been holding on too, and can continue to heal. This was the day I just wanted to get through and now it’s here and will be over soon… I know this pain will continue for quite some time but I also know that it will eventually begin to fade in the background and every emotion that I feel in between those two moments. God’s grace is sufficient enough to be able to handle them.

Thank you for your continued prayers they are very much appreciated.

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