Make A Note Monday: Things We’re Not Suppose to Say…

20130923-164938.jpg

Like I said before I find great advice anywhere… I read a lot of different blogs. This information actually came from Tia and Tamera’s official website blog and it was advice that one of their single friends gave to them and other well meaning married readers on what not to say to their single friends… I found it to be helpful for me as I am no longer single and don’t want to make mistakes that can be avoided or put my friends in somewhat uncomfortable situations. I also found it to be very funny and wondered if I had thought the same way when I was single. I hope that you can find the information that was provided to be helpful to you in some way or another. The blog was written by their friend who goes by the name of Andrea… so here it is, 9 things we should not say to our single friends…

Things Your Single Friends Wish You’d Stop Saying To Them…

1.) “You’re such an amazing person. I don’t understand why you’re still single!”

My dear, sweet friends have the best intentions when they make this statement. They think they’re giving me a compliment. My friends love me and can’t imagine why some strapping stud hasn’t scooped me up by now. Thank you, friends, for thinking that I am amazing. Really. I TOTALLY appreciate it! But I’d like to know what on Earth that has to do with my relationship status? Some of the best human beings I know are still single. If being a good person is directly correlated to being in a relationship, wouldn’t all the bad people in the world be single? Haven’t we all met some downright awful people who are blissfully coupled up? And what’s so bad about being single anyway? Some of us actually enjoy it. You might be thinking, “That girl is in denial! Nobody likes being single!” But if I’m being honest, I truly enjoy my singlehood. I like not having anyone else to consider when making big decisions. I crave alone time. I love being able to go wherever I want, whenever I want and with whomever I want. I’ve worked hard to get to this place. After my last heartbreak, I decided to take some time to get my stuff together. I felt like I had been obsessing about one guy or another from the time I hit puberty until well into my twenties. After years of focusing on the men in my life, I decided it was time to focus on myself. I dug deep and tried to figure out why I always picked the wrong guy and why I allowed myself to get into a pattern of unhealthy relationships. I decided to focus on my relationships with God, family and friends. I worked on my goals and dreams. I’m so grateful for this time of self-discovery. For those of you who are struggling in your singlehood, I encourage you to take full advantage of this time in your life. Figure out what makes you happy. Identify your strengths and weaknesses. Spend time with your loved ones. Volunteer for worthy causes. Move forward with your dreams. It’s time to start being grateful for your single life instead of focusing on what you don’t have. Our married and coupled up friends can help this process by celebrating our singlehood instead of treating it like bad place we need to hurry up and get out of. We know you mean well, but next time please stop the sentence at, “you’re such an amazing person” – then tell us how hot we are 🙂

2.) “How’s your dating life going? You seriously haven’t met ANYONE?”

Define “anyone”. Haha…Does the grocery store clerk who used his last name (Hung) to describe his male anatomy and then asked if I want him to be my papacito for the night count? What about the guy I went on a date with that just stared at me all night with a creepy serial killer look? Oh how about the guy who hit on me at the car wash? We were actually having a great conversation and about to exchange numbers until he got a call…FROM HIS GIRLFRIEND. Yes, my loving friends & family, I’ve met lots of people, and not all of them have been crazy. Some just don’t work out. I still have hope that there are some awesome men out there and when I do meet someone special, I will let you know. I promise! I’ll scream it from the mountaintops, tweet, update my Facebook status and post a pic on instagram. You’ll know. Believe me. Please stop starting our conversations by asking about my dating life. Ask me about what’s going on in my life. I’ll have lots of fun and exciting stuff to fill you in on!

3.) “Maybe you’re just too picky”

Aaaaand maybe I should punch you in the face? Okay, okay I’m just joking and not condoning violence here, but if I hear this one more time I might actually punch someone in the face…or at least give them a really dirty look! I am not picky. I am selective. There is a difference. According to Dictionary.com, “Picky” means “extremely fussy or finicky, usually over trifles.” Trifles are trivial or insignificant things. I am not concerned with trivial things. I don’t care what color his hair is, how much he can bench press, or what car he drives. I care most about a man’s character and values. It’s okay have preferences, but I encourage you to take a look at the list of things you want in a mate. If any of the characteristics on your list are trivial, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your priorities. I’ve made bad dating decisions in the past. Surviving those experiences brings wisdom. There is nothing wrong with making wise decisions. I’ve earned my right to be selective, to choose carefully. So have you! We need to make good dating choices ladies because forever is a LONG time. We don’t want to end up married to a bad decision.

4.) “OMG I think I just met your husband! He’s perfect for you!”

My friends are amazing. They are always on the lookout for my man (I’m lookin’ at you Tamera Mowry-Housley). They are happily married and desperately want that kind of happiness for me too. I love them for it. I do. But this statement scares the heck outta me! Husband? Already? Can I please meet the guy before we start calling him my husband? I’m all for being set up. Bring it on! It’s a great way to meet new people. It’s fun and exciting. But, please don’t call him my husband, unless you want me to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. We know all you married friends want us to join you in the wedded bliss club, but please go easy on the “perfect guy” talk. It’s a lot of pressure for the poor fella! What if he doesn’t live up to our expectations? What if we don’t see what you see? What if we really like him and because you planted the husband seed, we start watering it and it grows and grows. Before you know it we’re planning the perfect wedding in our heads before our meal even arrives…or so I’ve heard 😉 We appreciate you keeping an eye out, but please proceed with caution.

5.) “I can’t wait until you get married and have kids. You have NO IDEA how hard life can be.”

I’ve had some exhausted and stressed out friends say this to me and it was one of the most brought up statements that bothered other single gals the most. We know our mom friends are going through a lot and don’t mean to sound condescending, but we can’t help but be offended. It feels like they are saying that the things we are going through don’t matter because they are not as important as being a wife and mother. Again, that might not be what you mean, but it’s how we take it. I completely respect their positions. Being a wife and mother are very important and they’re right – I have no idea how hard it is to be married and adjust to having a man around ALL THE TIME. (I’m praying for a husband who travels a lot. Haha!) I don’t know what it’s like to hold a precious little one in my arms and be responsible for making sure that little person becomes a God-fearing, respectable member of society. I can’t imagine the pressure they must be under and I’m here, as a friend, to help alleviate any of that stress. On the flipside, they don’t know what it’s like to have my demanding job, or the stresses of my family and my life. We’re all friends here right? We need to support each other. It’s not a competition. We’re not trying to win a medal for who lives the hardest life. We all have different challenges. Let’s try to be more compassionate about these challenges and build each other up. Girlfriends unite! Woo hoo!

6.) “What do you do with your time? It’s not like you have a husband or kids to worry about. “

I overheard someone say this to one of my single co-workers and could not believe my ears. “What do you do with your time?” REALLY??? The short answer to that question is, “Whatever the heck I want.” If I want to go meet some co-workers for a drink at 11pm on a Tuesday, I can. If my niece needs a new outfit for her first day of junior high, all I have to do is pick her up, take out my debit card and get to the shopping. If I feel like going away for a spontaneous weekend trip with friends, I just pack a bag and leave. When I feel like catching up on episodes of General Hospital on my DVR, I just plop myself on the couch with some fro-yo and don’t have to worry about anyone coming in and making fun of my guilty pleasure. Yes. I said General Hospital. Don’t judge me. Most of the singles I know are living exciting, busy and full lives. Singles are in a unique position, especially if you’re in your 30s (GASP!) like me. By this point, many of us have settled into careers. We are comfortable and have some disposable income that we can use however we want. For the most part, we’re not responsible for anyone but ourselves. Does this get lonely sometimes? Heck yeah! Do I want a husband and kids to share my life with eventually? Absolutely! But I’m not going to sit around and waste these precious moments of my life waiting around for my soul mate to come and sweep me off my feet. I’m gonna go out and live life to the fullest! The best piece of advice my married friends have given me is that I need to enjoy my freedom while I can. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Who’s with me?

7.) “You just need to put yourself out there”

Aaaaand you need to go hug a cactus! I cringe whenever someone says this to me. It makes me feel like they think I’m doing something wrong and that I need to change who I am. This might not be what people mean when they say it, but that’s how I take it. It’s like they think I’m supposed to constantly be on the prowl to catch me a man. Los Angeles is full of people putting themselves out there…WAY out there. More power to them! I’m just not built that way. That’s not my personality. I’m always OUT doing something. Doesn’t that count? I don’t sit around at home and wait for Mr. Right to come knock on my door. But when I’m out, I’m usually having a good time with my friends. I’m not scoping out the scene for some man lovin’. I’ll admit that I am way too shy when it comes to meeting guys. I have absolutely no game whatsoever. I always joke that a guy will know I’m interested in him when I can’t speak to him. My face usually turns bright red, I’ll trip or spill something and I cannot make direct eye contact. I know. I have issues. My friends might be right when they lovingly say that I need to put myself out there. I just hate hearing it. Plus, whatever happened to men pursuing women? Why do we have to put ourselves out there? Can’t they grow a pair and ask us out? Can I get an Amen? 🙂

8.) “You won’t want to come out with us, it’s just going to be couples and kids”

I want to start by addressing that most of the time our married and couple friends say this because they don’t want us to feel left out. They want us to have a good time when we’re with them and think we will be bored or feel like a 5th wheel if we go out with couples. They also feel like we won’t want to hang with their kids. We appreciate your thoughtfulness, but I’m writing this to let you know that not all of us single folk feel that way. I love my friends. Many of them are now married or part of a couple. I adore the people they are paired with and their kids. They’ve become my friends too. Why would I not want to hang out with them? They are fantastic people and I am blessed to know them. If you are one of the single people who hate hanging out with couples, it’s time to get over it. Instead of looking around the dinner table, seeing a bunch of couples and feeling like the odd woman out, try looking around the table and focusing on the amazing people you have in your life. Cherish the moments you have with them. Life is too short to miss out on time with your friends because you don’t have a date to bring with you. I will happily be the 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel if it means I get to spend time with people that I love. If you have a hard time with this, bring another single friend with you! I also think it is important for single people to have “couple friends”. Being around my married friends has taught me so much about the struggles and triumphs of relationships. I feel like I’ve been handed a marriage handbook before I even walk down the aisle. Next time your “couple friends” ask you to hang, GO! Be fearless. Do it! It’s worth a little discomfort at first. I promise! Please report back and let me know how it goes.

9.) “Maybe you should start thinking about freezing your eggs?”

Thanks, mom! Love you! My mom is the one who always told me to concentrate on my career, not to get married young and hold off on having kids. NOW she wants me to freeze me eggs? I’m just following your advice, mom. You already have 5 grandchildren. You don’t need more right now! I understand my family’s concern. I have a huge Latino family. They love babies. I cannot go to a family function without one of my cousins telling me that I need to get knocked up before it’s too late (I’m looking at you Michael!). I’m the oldest sibling in my family and all of my younger siblings have kids. I’m the oldest grandchild on my mom’s side and one of the oldest on my dad’s. Everyone has kids. I know. I’m on the late train. Guess what? I am 100% okay with that. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent my life babysitting said siblings and cousins or because I was a nanny, maybe it’s because I spend lots of time with my nieces, nephews and friends’ kids or maybe it’s because I haven’t met a man I want to marry and procreate with, whatever the reason- my biological clock is not screaming at me yet. Let me enjoy the peace while I can! I know that I’m hitting “advanced maternal age” as my very blunt doctor friend puts it, but I’m not concerned about it right now and you shouldn’t be either. Leave my eggs alone!

Is there anything that should be added to this list? Single friends, what’s the one thing you are tired of hearing?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s