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A week already

It’s been one week since I gave birth to my baby girl! This has been the longest week of my life! Every day I wake up wanting her here and every night I go to sleep looking for her… I know she’s with Jesus but that doesn’t make my pain any easier. I know my God is sovereign but I don’t know what His plan is just yet for my pain and despair! I know He will turn this around for good… maybe not my good but for the good of those around me or those that I come in contact with…

As much as I hate to admit it I am now a member of a secret society/club that not many talk about… you know the group of parents that have lost a child and not just any child but a stillborn child. I know loss is loss but it seems like even this loss is a little different from those who had time with their child and were able to see their child grow and change… I am in no way saying that my loss is greater than any one else’s loss I am just pointing out the fact that it’s just different!

All my life I’ve been different… so why should my current situation be anything other than just that! I’m angry but even in my anger I still love God and have known from the beginning of this tragedy that He was in control and no matter what happened He would still be in control! There is nothing that I can change or could have changed!

So now after a week full of emptiness I am continually turning to Him in my despair, sorrow, anger, and love! I know that I don’t have much love left to give Him but what I have is His and has always been His since I said yes to following Him no matter the cost!! I guess it’s time to show Him that I meant what I said 7 years ago… because this is by far the hardest thing I have EVER had to deal with.

Thanks for listening/reading and your continued prayers,


This isn’t a dream…

Last night was a win for me… I didn’t cry myself to sleep! I don’t know what tonight will bring but I do know that I will be enjoying a piece of cheesecake (thanks Rachel)!  I had a mini breakthrough and it brought about some peace. It gave me the strength I needed to make it another day.

I feel like I’m in this deep fog and when I break out of it my baby will be growing safely in my belly until my due date. But instead I know this isn’t a dream, it’s my life, my new reality and new normal… and my baby is dancing and worshiping Jesus in heaven. It doesn’t get any better than that I know but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be selfish and have her here with us.

It will get better eventually, and I know that when I get to heaven she’ll be waiting for me but for now it still hurts and my heart is overloaded with grief my mind is both fast and slow dead and alive… all these feelings and thoughts are running me ragged and all I really want to do is run away and start a new life with my husband on some small island or in an even smaller town.

I know that is not realistic at all and only something people do in movies or maybe if they have a lot of money which we don’t have… so for now especially in the days ahead I am learning to take things moment by moment because nothing will ever be the same again…

I’m Back!

I’m back! I know it’s been quite sometime…. the last time I wrote you all I was trying to find something extra cool to do in Jersey on my way to and from India. Well needless to say I had a great time in India, and ended up seeing the sights in Manhattan instead of Jersey. I also graduated from Austin Peay State University with a Bachelors of Science in Communications with a concentration in Public Relations. But that’s not what has brought me back…

During the summer June 10th to be exact I found out I was pregnant to my delight. If anyone has followed me for any time you know the struggle it has been for me and my husband to conceive and how painful mother’s day has been for me. So to say that I was beyond ecstatic is quite the understatement. I went to India in July fully pregnant with confidence that the Lord would protect both me and my baby and He did! I graduated in August with my baby present under my robe! And in September I finally felt the little flutters of movement I had been waiting for! But even that is not what I’m back to talk about…

See, just a few short days ago Sunday September 21st at 5:34 am I gave birth to my daughter at only 18 weeks old. She was 8 oz and 8.5 inches long. We decided to name her Kiwi Hannah Harding because we called her Kiwi every night as we prayed for our baby, at the time we didn’t know what we were having and we still didn’t know until we had her that morning. She came too early because I have found out that I have what is known as an incompetent cervix (I dilated without any symptoms or pain). Therefore, no cervix=nothing to keep baby in… thereby producing a much too early delivery.

And that is why I’m back! Even in my heartache, brokenness, and grief I know that God is good and His love IS real! It doesn’t mean that I’m not mad or that I don’t have tons of questions that still may never get answered but I had to come back in my time of grief to give God the honor and glory He still deserves even in my darkest hour!

So prepare yourselves, I’ll be blogging more often about my long journey to surviving this devastation… Thank you for continuing to read this blog even in my absence and thank you for your continued prayers for me and my family during this horrific time in our lives. I’ll try to also blog about the good times as well…



What’s there to do in Jersey???

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Hello everyone, I know it’s been a while… practically a month really… I have been busy with school and getting everything prepared for my upcoming India trip at the end of July… As I have just a few minutes before my class starts I was wondering what there is to do in Jersey????

Should I take a ferry and go here?

Should I take a ferry and go here?

See, As it stands I will have TWO massive layovers in Jersey and I don’t want to be confined to the airport the whole time… I would actually love to explore my surroundings and maybe even get a decent hotel room…. any suggestions? I love food (the greasier the better), and museums too!!! I saw something about the Liberty State Park with ferry service to Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty… is that any good? I’ve always wanted to go to the Statue of Liberty!! Are there any areas I should avoid? Should I just forget about Jersey and take a train someplace else?  Thoughts? Suggestions? I’m all ears!!!

Picture courtesy of William Warby

Make A Note Monday: Study Break

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This is finals week. I just finished writing my research paper for my Values, Attitudes and Ethics in Pop Culture class (I did it on the influences on perception according to Dawson’s Creek characters). That’s my all time favorite television show and I will probably binge watch the series on the few days that I have off before I start summer classes next week. I wanted to take a quick study break to write this for one to stay consistent and two I just needed a quick break before I review one last time for my only final tomorrow. I am very thankful for my husband who helped me study before I took this break and am hopeful that I will retain all that I have learned and make an A in the class.

The next couple of months may be hectic because like I mentioned before I will be taking summer classes as well as an internship and then going to India only to come back and graduate!! I will try my best to write at least every monday but if that doesn’t happen please know that I will be back… I hope all is well with you as you read this and if you are taking finals I hope you do well on them.



Get up and pray!

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Today is the first Thursday in May… which is also the National Day of Prayer it’s a wonderful time where people all over the nation come together to pray for our nation and cities. The focus is on the seven major areas of influence in our country (in no particular order) Government, Media, Education, Business, Church, Family and Military. Usually I go into the importance of each one but instead I am just going to encourage you all to get up and pray… even if it’s just you praying through these seven areas in whatever way God leads you to pray. If you only have 15 minutes take 15 minutes if you’re city is having a corporate gathering find it and attend… and if it’s just you and a friend that’s fine too; just pray. I had the wonderful opportunity to start my day this morning with praying for these areas and then attending a corporate gathering in my city of Clarksville, TN and it was so refreshing to see everyone coming together to lift our city up! There wasn’t any egos involved and the focus was Jesus moving in our city! What better reason to unite?!

Be Blessed and pray.



Make A Note Monday: Quotes to get you through the week By Jacob Goff

I ran across this earlier this morning and just thought it was great! My friend Jake wrote it for his blog Simul Blog which is a blog that dissects the scandal

that is the gospel! I especially liked number six which talked about the importance of not forgetting that we are all sinners and need to remember what God has done for us. I hope you enjoy them and can use them to get through your week!

1. The best end to a rant we have ever heard:

You know what you can absolutely depend on with 100% certainty? Jesus died for your sins. If you are confused about everything else in the world, you can bet that this particular message, which happens to be Jesus’ main message to you, cuts through all the crap and is just about the only thing you really need to remember. In fact, at the last supper, He gave us this one little thing to do: communion. He said, it is to remember His death. So, remember, His death is the ONE THING He wants you to remember. The rest of it is complicated and confusing. He loves you. He died for you. Believe that and live. Remember that and you are OK.
-Jim McNeely, from his blog post Random Rants

2.  It’s Been Paid.

The crime was paid for–your crime was paid for–the pardon was secured. He gets charged, you get justified, that’s the deal. That’s the way God’s currency works . . . He is currently at the right hand of God the father, having risen from the dead, and he is in session for you. He is interceding. He is pleading his blood perpetually on your behalf. “It’s been paid. It’s been paid. It’s been paid.”
-Tullian Tchividjian, From his Easter Sermon


3. What Prayer is Not:

For another thing, prayer is not “going to God” (he’s already in you), or “seeking God” (he’s already found you), or “opening yourself to God” (you couldn’t keep him out if you tried), or “becoming spiritual” (he’s already sent you the Spirit — who would rather show you Jesus than help you display your spiritual prowess). And it’s certainly not buttering God up with abject apologies for your existence — because in his Beloved Son, he already thinks you’re dandy. Prayer is just talking with Someone who’s already talking to you.
-Robert Farrar Capon, from the Foolishness of Preaching

4. The Law is no Skilled Mechanic

Jesus taught that the law’s stranglehold on humanity was finished. I do not mean that Jesus was a “liberal” in the contemporary sense. I do not mean to say that Jesus cast off the law as simply one big and needless inhibitor of human potential. Not at all. I mean that Jesus recognized the inability of the law, which shows us exactly who we ought to be, to provide its own fulfillment. Christ did not say that the law is bad. He said instead that the law is wholly good. But most importantly, he said that the law is no skilled mechanic. It cannot fix what it has broken.
-Paul Zahl, from his (game-changing) book Grace in Practice

"The law is no skilled mechanic."

5. C.F.W. Walther’s Law/Gospel Distinction Explained:

The Law tells us what to do, but it does not enable us to obey; the Gospel gives salvation freely and empowers joyful obedience in response. Walther was adamant that no Gospel element should ever be combined with the Law; instead, the Law should be proclaimed first, and then the Gospel should follow. The Law says “Do!” and the Gospel follows and says “Done.”
-Justin Holcomb, from this great post about LCMS founder C.F.W. Walther (who pastored down the street from where I am currently typing this)


6. Afraid of Being a Sinner

Beware of aspiring to such purity that you will not wish to be looked upon as a sinner…For Christ dwells only in sinners.
-Martin Luther, quoted in this tweet

7. This is a Huge Relief:

. . . You can go on about your life without all the religious obsession over your own purity and goodness. Nobody cares whether you’re good or not, and while God cares, he doesn’t obsess over your goodness. He did something about it. God forgave you when you didn’t deserve it, and he gave you the righteousness of his Son. You’re fixed, and you probably didn’t even know it.
Now you do!
Isn’t that a relief?
-Steve Brown, from Three Free Sins


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