Today was the fourth Sunday that my Kiwi Hannah has been with Jesus. It was also the first time that we went back to our church since she left us. I didn’t know what to expect but I knew that I was ready, in part because of my tattoos. I really do feel like they give me the strength that I need. Of course I know that the strength that I am getting is coming from the Lord and His grace, however to have a nice reminder that I can see has been tremendous for my healing!
Today also marks the fifth day that I haven’t cried about losing her. Not that I don’t think about her or wish she was here or see things that remind me of her. Trust me, ALL I WANT IS MY BABY BACK! I’ve just come to the conclusion that it won’t be in this lifetime, on this side of eternity so there’s no reason to jut sit and wallow over my sorrows.
I don’t want to cry all day, although I have and probably will again; sooner than later actually. Instead I want to go out and do things that would make Kiwi proud. I want to challenge myself to face my fears and learn something new and to do new things (that’s why I have really set out to develop my spanish vocabulary so that I will feel comfortable speaking it).
I want to dance and paint more, I want to decorate my house for the different seasons and hang up pictures. I want to live and love and still praise Jesus. I still want to get to know my husband of almost six years. I guess what I’m trying to say is that although I’m grieving, sad, still a bit angry and have a ton of questions I want to get past them all while living my life not staying still (unless absolutely necessary) and I am glad that our return wasn’t awkward in fact it was almost normal…